stick a fork in me - I am done! (Venting)

Ginsamae

MIL returned to our house 2 weeks ago after a 3 month visit to Sib #3. Before she returned to us, I told DH that I was pretty much at the breaking point and I wouldn't be able to handle much more in terms of MIL's accusations of theft, raising rent, etc. DH said he understood and said he'd draft an email to all sibs explaining that we needed to step back and ask for their assistance in helping their mother transition to someplace else...well, he kept dragging his feet.

Then, yesterday, the accusations of theft started up again. I told DH in no uncertain terms that I am done and his mother either needs to go someplace else or I will. I love DH more than my life but I cannot, and will not, continue to be abused by someone whether or not they have dementia...especially when there are other family members who can help out and are choosing to allow their own brother's marriage to disintegrate while they are free to do what they want. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish of me, but I'm also not sorry - MY health and well-being are important, too.

DH has now sent an email to his sibs saying we are done and someone else needs to take over or we will have no choice but to get social services involved or put MIL back in her own place. I doubt any of his Sibs will step up and I know that MIL will never voluntarily go to a 'home' (as she puts it), and MIL will insist on moving back to her hometown in another state and get an apartment. As she has all of her legal rights I don't think there is any legal way we can prevent her from doing that...and as cruel as it is for me to say it, at this point I don't care where she goes as long as she goes. And soon.

star26

I like the way you handled this and am glad your husband has supported you so far. I wonder if you might be able to present your MIL with apartment options that are actually units in an independent living facility?  You could get brochures from places in her hometown, near you, and near the siblings and let her decide?

dayn2nite2

Because he allowed her to be brought to your house, he’s stuck with her and a pitiful email at this point isn’t enough.

I’d still see an attorney and get the ball rolling because he hasn’t stood up for you prior to this and that email doesn’t count even a bit toward protecting his family.  Too little too late.  Love ain’t enough for all that.

fav-dil

Ginsamae - I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with. Being the DIL caregiver is incredibly challenging. My husband is an only child and we also have a 12 year old. Not sure that I have any words of advice but wanted you to know there are others DIL's here that get it. Being the target of the anger and accusations is incredibly stressful and demoralizing because it seems no matter what you do, it's wrong. It's hard to keep at it when it feels so personal, even though it's not. I do get the "I love you" from her every once in awhile which is nice. But some days (or moments) it's so incredibly difficult I start looking for a 'home'. 

You do need the support of your DH and he should stand up for you privately and to her publicly on occasion but it's extremely difficult to find that balance of when to do that as you can't argue with someone with dementia. 

zauberflote

Ginsamae-- there are times in my life when I can look back and realize that at this or that time I was stuck in a slo-mo train wreck that was invisible to me at the time. There has so far been redemption for me. I am hopeful that you too can yet bring good out of this awful situation. 

You've maybe seen on here that sometimes with "stubborn" LO's, family has to step back and wait for a crisis. I believe that here you have the opportunity to precipitate the crisis. To do that you may have to stop talking about "and soon", and set a deadline for the time that you will pull away, possibly as far away as the next town over, and then at the appointed hour Just Do It. I'd say (feeling crabby tonight) that you should pull the plug on all types of support/care for MIL and let DH handle it. If you are not in the building, and are screening calls, he will have to step up. It's his mother; whatever he chooses to do is between him and his mother. 

I was a DIL caregiver too, but MIL lived in her own home to the end, and was never a terrible personality person. DH would get ticked off at his three sisters, all fairly nearby, and more importantly all retired, and most importantly, none with high-maintenance autistic adult sons living at home, when they'd ask me to take MIL to a dr visit that one of them had originally been scheduled for. I didn't really resent it toooo deeply, well-- okay y'know what? I did resent it. We grinned and bore it though, as MIL was a delight to be with. And, she was the world's best MIL and grandmother, tied with my mom. So a quite different dynamic there. 

Hoping to hear of an eventual peaceful solution!

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Ginsamae

Hi All, Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and 'I've been there' - it's very helpful to hear that I'm not alone! This Forum has been a lifesaver.

We heard from Sib #3 saying that "it's too much for us and we are retired and want to travel." We already knew that Sib #3 would not help, so not much of disappointment there. Sib #1 texted and said that they are 'trying to see what they can do' which is *slightly* encouraging, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Sibs #2, #5 & #6 are quiet - which we expected.

I have decided to take it upon myself to call APS today and see what they can do about getting MIL resettled someplace - we certainly don't want to face accusations of elder abuse but she just can't stay here any longer. Since MIL has all of her legal rights AND she has anosognosia she is completely convinced that there is nothing wrong with her memory. She has consistently refused to sign any legal documents of any kind (even a Will) so there are no POAs or anything so on that end our hands are tied. 

lovebonita

I would highly suggest seeking an elder law attorney to get POA immediately.  In fact for the siblings who don't want to be actively involved in the day to day care this would be a perfect way for them to participate in care.  Many have a LO who refuse to sign off on a POA but they really can't make decisions for themselves anymore and armed with a diagnosis I think the need for one would be recognized and granted in any court.

Then pursuit of a care facility could become a reality which would be the best solution for her safety and your sanity.

harshedbuzz

Based on your latest update, you may need to go for guardianship to make this happen.

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Stuck in the middle

Sorry you have this situation.  I've had some experience along this line myself.  

I doubt guardianship is the answer.  It will take months, even if you win, and there is no guarantee you won't end up paying both lawyers (yours and hers) with no guardianship.

Sounds to me like your husband and his family will let you do this as long as you will do it.   If he drags his feet in sending an eMail, how long will it take him to hire a lawyer and pursue guardianship?  Or move her to her own place?

Your choices appear to be to care for your MIL until one of you dies, or rent an apartment with a July 1 move-in date and give notice that another caretaker will be needed after that date.  If your husband loves you as much as you love him, you won't need to use it.  Good luck.

Ginsamae

Update - DH sent the email and Sib #1 has said they will take over while Sib #1 and DH figure out where to put MIL for the long haul. Neither Sib #1 nor DH want to be 'stuck' with her. MIL has a couple of doctor appointments (including one with the neuro) to get through but it is looking like a July 1 move to Sib #1's house. I'm so giddy right now that I want to dance!

MIL doesn't know about this yet and we won't tell her until late June - she'd just get worked up over it.

Stuck in the middle

Best news I've heard all day!

June45

Ginsamae,

You might want to wait until July 1, a couple of hours before Sib#1 is due to tell MIL.  You might save yourself some grief.

P.S. I love the picture of your cat. He/she knows how to chill out!

Sball

Agree with June45.  Consider waiting until July 1.  

I made a mistake of informing my LO that her sibling will be visiting in a few days; she was so upset that I did not have peace until the day of... or until I changed the story and assured LO that her sibling will not be visiting.

Totally get the sibling situation.  I do not have any advice as everything I tried does not work.  Must say, I am much happier after accepting "I am an only child on this journey".  Hope your DH's siblings contribute to your journey much more than my siblings are willing.

Hope you find peace.