Dad in AL for 6 weeks - how often should we visit

Talex

We moved my dad into AL 6 weeks ago. Before that he lived with my mom for 62+ years. So this is new for all of us. After a 2 week quarantine, we have been able to visit my dad 2 times a week. We have a hard time getting my mom to visit him once a week and so I have been going twice a week since the beginning. Except this past weekend I was sick so I didn't go. Migraine or tension headache I still don't know. But I'm getting overwhelmed with guilt of thinking I should be going to see him as often as we are allowed yet knowing I need a break because the stress is making me sick. How often do you visit your LO in AL?

Plus every time we visit he says he wants to move because there is a gentleman there who is irritating him (another resident who takes things and hides them in his room). My dad is usually calm but he started being combative with this other resident. The facility called us when it happened and I started worrying that we were going to have to move him. He's only been there 6 weeks. Should we give him more time to get settled or should we think of moving him? 

Rescue mom

Six weeks is not a lot. It’s not unusual for him, or anyone, to need more time to adjust,

You have to do you, but 2x a week seems plenty. Many places ask family not to visit at all for the first 2-3 weeks, with the thought that the new residents settle in better without the visits. But the facility you chose didn’t do that, so....but more than that, outside some special need or circumstance, probably not needed. If your mom doesn’t want to, don’t force it, he could pick up on her “displeasure” which could make him worse.

If he gets regularly aggressive with residents or staff, they may indeed ask him to move. Different places have different tolerance, and ability to handle. Has he seen a Geri-psych? There are meds that can help. But finding a place for a physically violent person can be very hard. Have they suggested any meds to help calm him? Nobody wants their LO drugged out, but he cannot be allowed to hurt others, and he may be happier himself if his brain was quieter.

You probably can’t reason with him on other residents coming in his room, but there is a thread here dealing with that problem. It’s something with no real good solution, except staff supervision, and use of locks if the room has it. Or keeping the door firmly closed. It’s one f those things that just happens sometimes, hopefully the offender will move out of that behavior soon.

zauberflote

Talex, for your own health, perhaps you should stop beating yourself up about visiting-to-the-max. We all have guilt and we all keep telling each other to quit having guilt!

I've read often on here, and suspect the same to have been true of my mom in MC, that they are doing just fine until we get there. We are the person they feel the safest with, the one who can solve all their problems. It made me happy when the activities director would send me a pic or two of Mom clearly having a good time (early on) or later in the disease, just having a quiet moment one-on-one with the AD. 

I would expect any MC worth its salt to know how to handle the situation between your dad and the irritating guy. They may simply have called you because they figured you might like to know about this out-of-character outburst. If this is a "hospitality model" AL, with low levels of care, that could be another story  

When Mom was in AL 600 miles away, I'd visit monthly for two days. We moved her to my city for MC, and I visited twice-to-once per week. It was stressful, as she often wanted to unload on me her sadness. As her dementia progressed, it was harder and harder on her tk be alive and on me to watch her being alive (and miserable). 

One thing that doesn't come up here often is the bonds that form and the affection between caregivers and our LO's. Mom's death hit a number of MC staff pretty hard; she was the third sweet old person to go in 6 weeks. MIL's death totally destroyed two of her in-home caregivers, and 3+ years later one still feels it. Be confident that your dad's carers will come to love him.