We've got to get MIL some rest

Mturn

Can anyone provide me with suggestions please. My MIL is the primary caregiver for my FIL. She is so exhausted and needs a break and some sleep. My husband and I would like to be able to help out by keeping FIL busy or keeping an eye on him so MIL can get a shower, alone time or some sleep. We see how he follows her around and she cant go to the bathroom without him interrupting her. Does anyone have any suggestions of what worked for them to divert LO attention in order to give the caregiver some rest. Taking him to another location isn't always an option. At this point nothing holds his attention and he just roams around the house, sits for a bit and roams some more. We'd like to be able to keep an eye on FIL so MIL can have a nice long shower or get multiple hours of much needed sleep but know we will have to keep him from going to check on her. Without having done this before we aren't sure what his reaction will be when we try and prevent him from trailing after her. Like many of you I'm sure have experienced, I'm sure it will be trial and error. If anyone has any great tips or methods that have worked for you, we would sure appreciate the suggestions. Things are starting to decline with my FIL and we are headed into unchartered territories. MIL can't do it alone anymore, and we need to help her as much as we can and begin exploring what our options are as far as bringing in additional help as this disease progresses. Any tips on starting the process to find outside caregivers to come in?

towhee

This behavior is called shadowing and it isn't easy for a single caregiver to handle. I can assure you having someone else in the house and responsible for the person with dementia is a relief to the caregiver even if the PWD still interrupts them occasionally. The behavior has its root in anxiety, the caregiver is the PWDs anchor and connection to the world, without the caregiver the person becomes even more anxious. Completely stopping the person from seeing the caregiver while they are both in the house might not work too well. Depending on how far along in the disease your father is, some of the following might help. 1) Make sure your father is distracted so that he doesn't see your MIL leave the room. Have an excuse ready as to where your MIL is, such as she is using the ladies room, she'll be right back, if he starts to get anxious let him go look and have her tell him she'll be right out. Then distract and repeat. 2)If she is sleeping let him look at her, just tell him she is taking a short nap, not to wake her up she'll be up in 5 minutes. Distract and repeat. 3)I used a baby monitor so that my LO could hear me while I was in the shower, saying ever so often that I was fine, I would be out in a minute. The idea is to keep the anxiety level down and hopefully the PWD will start to focus on whoever they are with. If he wants to roam around the house, let him, just try to keep him from waking her up. If this works with you, it will make it easier for a non family caregiver to come in, although sometimes a non family caregiver has more success.

Check out adult day cares as a place for your father to go. Even if a family member has to go with him for a while it will give your MIL a much needed break. It is important that she sometimes has the house to herself.

The easiest thing to do to find help is to call an agency. They can walk you through the process, and you just need to think about what hours would most benefit your MIL. Listen to her. If she says he is always more upset around this time of day then try to schedule the caregiver so that your MIL will return when he is usually less anxious. It is important for the caregiver to be a good fit for your father.

If  nothing works talk to your doctor about a low dose of medication. It might help the anxiety, and thus reduce the shadowing.

Take care

harshedbuzz

This behavior is called shadowing and it can suck the life out of the most patient of caregivers. I know my mother wanted nothing more than to be alone in her own home once in a while. Mother had become dad's security blanket and like a toddler with separation anxiety, he would accept no substitutes if he could find her.

For the immediate need for sleep- have your MIL for a sleepover at your house while your DH stays overnight with dad. If he's not the sort of PWD who would be OK at a day program, hire in caregivers so your MIL can get out for her own medical care, hair appointments, a little retail therapy and a long lunch with friends. You can find aides through local agencies, care.com or word of mouth. The latter two tend to give you more control and cost less, but the former is easiest as they do the basic vesting and handle payroll for you.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

Maybe your MIL needs to leave the home. Possibly a stay at a hotel or with friends for a weekend. A scheduled day or so away each week. As long as your FIL is safe with whomever stays with him while she’s out, all will be fine. She’s got to get away from it all before she breaks. She’s fortunate to have you as a loving DIL. 

I’ve had luck with care.com in finding help for us. 

MN Chickadee

You are definitely on the right track. MIL needs a break from this or it will wear her down. My father's health began to suffer from being the primary caregiver and my mom shadowing him every possible minute. Adult daycare was a life saver. This allowed us to keep the living arrangement far longer than otherwise possible because my dad got good, reliable respite. The staff at daycare were trained and experienced in dementia and knew how to keep her busy and occupied.  Adjustment to anything new, whether it be you being in the house, a paid aide, or going to daycare can be a challenge. Read up on dementia communication. Therapeutic fibs, redirecting and distracting are often needed. As for your question for getting mom a break asap, this differs by person. My mother likes going for scenic drives. I put on her favorite music in the car which calms her (music reaches our brains in a special way and can have amazing affects on people with dementia.)  If you are in the home, perhaps music and something to do, like a puzzle or coloring or planting seeds or whatever might hold his attention. I would encourage mom to go somewhere else and get a good night sleep. It will be challenging to either keep him quiet enough to allow her to sleep, and also challenging to take a PWD out of their setting and have him sleep somewhere else for a night. You might look at care.com or a local agency to find someone to start coming to the house to help. Many times we tell a therapeutic fib, saying the person is a cleaning lady or a doing volunteer hours or a friend of mine who is down on hard times to get the PWD to accept the situation.

Mturn

Thank you all for the suggestions.  You've given us some great and helpful ideas.  It's so nice to be able to reach out to others that have been in these situations as well.