FIL thinks MIL is having an affair with her son

Mturn

I know that PWD can come up with some pretty interesting things out of the blue.  Well for the last month my FIL has been thinking that my MIL is having an affair with their son.  Usually he brings it up to her but tonight when my husband was at the house he accused them of it together.  My husband just tried to explain that he was his son and her son and that together they had him.  The conversation began to look like it was going to go the way of FIL getting  angry so it was just dropped.  Does anyone have a good come back to tell FIL in this situation?  We can come up with a lot of different ways to respond to him but in this case were at a loss with how to respond in order to pacify him.  Thank you.

LaurenB

That's hard to try to explain.  It sounds like FIL doesn't recognize your husband as his son, but rather a potential suitor for MIL.  It is hard to reason with a PWD trying to explain this.  Has DH tried to over use his title and parents' titles when conversing to reinforce their relationships?  "Hi DAD.  It's your SON (name).  How is MOM doing?"  Just a thought.

zauberflote

This must be very painful for all involved, I'm so sorry...

It would seem to me that if  FIL knows that his DS is in fact his son, over-emphasizing that relationship isn't necessary? Simply emphasizing the relationship assumes that FIL could never believe that his wife would have an affair with their son-- but that is in fact what he believes! Awful as it may be, this might be time to try having mother and son fibbing mightily, saying that they broke off that behavior months ago. Would FIL accept that? An apology, soon followed by a distraction?

ButterflyWings

Hi - This is just my opinion, but I don't believe that fiblets include "confessing" to this kind of serious accusation, when it absolutely isn't true and the PWD could get fixated on the fact that you admitted it, therefore could feel it might happen again in their confused world. He won't be convinced regardless, so stop trying to do that. But also, no need to lie in the reverse, claiming he is right and apologizing about something so disturbing to both you and him. It could totally erode any trust FIL has in MIL, even more...could risk her safety at some point. I say please don't "admit and apologize" on this one.

For me anyway, saying something like "No, that absolutely isn't something I would ever do...this is my son, or this is my mother"...etc. would be my response. Then, end of discussion and divert to something else. Rinse and repeat as often as you have to, until this phase ends. It will, though it may take a while. Try to keep emotions low key and move on.

If there are other delusions and hallucinations, it may be time to consider meds to help with this troublesome behavior since he is miserable with these false beliefs and so are you all. But stop adding fuel to the fire by allowing the convo to escalate and drag out. Those high emotion events stick in my LOs memory longer, so I just low key things like that and move on. Faking it until we make it to the next hurdle.

Sorry you are going through this. We had to start a low level of seroquel/quetiapine to help get my DH delusions, accusations, hallucinations more under control. It is worth a call to your LO's Dr. to inquire. I'm sorry your DH and MIL are going through this. Good luck.

ADH77

I think diverting to another subject promptly and affirmatively is the only way to go. "No, we aren't having an affair, but did you hear that this year's crop of tomatoes are expected to be really incredible? I love tomatoes so much, especially in salads. What are your favorite tomato dishes dad?" 

Or choose any other benign subject that the FIL might find of interest. There's no point in trying to reason with the PWD, because you can't, so I think avoiding anger and aggression by shifting to something innocuous is the way to go.

King Boo

Does FIL have any residual humor left?   Perhaps a "No way, she's not my type!" might divert him a bit and then move onto another topic.  Kind of goes with the general flow of a confabulated conversation without getting into a lot of reasoning he cannot handle.

harshedbuzz

ButterflyWings wrote:

Hi - This is just my opinion, but I don't believe that fiblets include "confessing" to this kind of serious accusation, when it absolutely isn't true and the PWD could get fixated on the fact that you admitted it, therefore could feel it might happen again in their confused world. He won't be convinced regardless, so stop trying to do that. But also, no need to lie in the reverse, claiming he is right and apologizing about something so disturbing to both you and him. It could totally erode any trust FIL has in MIL, even more...could risk her safety at some point. I say please don't "admit and apologize" on this one.

ButterflyWings-

I agree with you but I did do a little experiment because so many here told me I should only validate the feelings and redirect. 

Dad went through a phase where he was fixated on the idea of my mother having sex with other men. She couldn't shower or run to the local pharmacy without being accused in the crudest of terms. Of course, the great irony is that he had been the less-than-faithful party in the relationship which dredged up a whole lot of bad feelings which did not lend themselves to mom accessing the tools in her Validation Toolbox. 

So I would get the call to calm him down. And it worked, I would lay on the flattery thickly, waxing about how handsome and wonderful he was and how I am certain she would never look at another man after having been with him. Yada yada yada. It worked like a charm. This phase did pass, perhaps the second dose of Seroquel helped here. But he did, at times right until the end, tell me with tears in his eyes that my mother was divorcing him. I would always explain she would never do that and praise his appeal to the ladies which always brought something like a smile to his face. 

The sad thing is, he never responded positively when my mom tried the same tactic. 

Dad lost a great deal of money in the market day-trading. On some level the exact sum stuck in his memory a long time but he created a confabulation around the missing money that centered on me short-selling his house on the golf course. He carried on about it regularly. It was so bad that I used a video of him excoriating me and threatening all manner of harm to show his geripsych and make the case he needed more Seroquel. Dad deserved an Oscar for his show-timing during his geripsych appointments. Usually, I would deny and say he was brilliant at real estate and raised me to be too smart for that and he would be satisfied.

One time when he started this, I tried the apology-redirect strategy just to see what might happen. Maybe I was hoping it would go away. I admitted to making a mistake selling the house for way less than it was worth and said I was terribly sorry for doing it and would never do it again. He looked at me sort of unable to really process what I'd said and then he changed the subject. It was as if he couldn't appreciate the magnitude of the crime he'd accused me of and hold onto the hurt it supposedly caused him. 

It still came up from time to time. Once he was at it while my son was there doing some work for my mom. DS is a person with high functioning autism and like many he has both a profound attachment to his mom and a strong sense of right and wrong. DS got in his face and told him to stop lying about me before I could stop him. Dad looked at him and "oh, ok" and changed the subject.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that while the first strategy of disavowing the crime with flattery was preferable because he felt valued in the moment, accepting blame or bullying seemed to work without any long term emotional consequences, too. 

HB

ButterflyWings

Thanks for the follow up harshedbuzz. Wow to what you & your family have gone through.

I guess it just reinforces so much of what we learn here...aka, with dementia you just never know! I think the long term emotional damage I'd be concerned about here, might be mine. For now, when these exact infidelity accusations come up, I say "nope that's not my style", or "I'd never do that" and then redirect.