How to deal with mom moving 2 hours away

Marianne*

Some of you have followed my posts about Park Merced (PM) which is by me and Eskaton which is two hours away by my brother whom I've had a falling out with over my mom in Sept.

I thought I had things figured out and have been in the process of trying to get my mom in PM; however, there are issues.  They have one maintenance guy who is responsible for 5 buildings.  He's overwhelmed and won't have my mom's apartment ready for a few more weeks. In the meantime, my mom is walking around her court at night (Mon/Wed recently) and knocking on doors looking for the little girl she gives medicine to and then some lady who stole her medicine.  (Neighbors texted and called to inform me of this.)

When I was explaining to PM why we didn't want to wait a few weeks and explained this behavior, the director said that she was exit seeking and that this could be a huge problem.  Also whenever I mention PM to her she says it's dump and she'd rather die than stay there and Eskaton is where she'd want to be.

So this fish has flopped again.  I called my brother who is POA for finances and said please contact Eskaton and get her set to move there.  Her room where she stayed in Sept is available, she "loves" the place, her 602 and med list is there and they already did an assessment when we were there a couple weeks ago.  So, she should be moving quickly probably next week.

I'm her emotional rock.  I'm trying to grapple with having her leave me and be two hours away (in good traffic). We only have one MC in Merced and it's junk.  So, if she were to go to PM and exit or be a handful which will most likely happen cause she hates the place there's no where here in Merced that I'd want to place her.  

My brother and I have both agreed that having her by one of us is best: Dr appointments, visits, bringing over for dinner, etc.  So, something in the middle between us isn't best.

How do I deal with the guilt of letting go and not being there for her?  I realize that this is the best scenario for her care but I'm sad, feel so guilty, and am worried about not being there for her.  It's been and hard 4 years and I'm exhausted.  Whenever I think of how nice it will be to focus on my husband and kids other than my mom I feel guilty again.  She's always been near me, for decades.  

Advice on handling the onslaught of grief that I'll be working through?  TIA

Fairyland

Sorry this has happened.  I haven’t experienced it myself, but I’ve had problems such as having to drive a lot to deal with caring issues. It might help to work out a routine - how often are you going to make that trip? Can you combine some other activity on the way like a audio book or course, so you get something out of it and can get in the right frame of mind to make the most of the visit.

You won’t be able to be there in person as much.  Can you bring a photo album and bring more pictures to talk about and put in each visit, or other such little activities. 

Your brother will also be more able to help support your mom and it’s right and fair and beneficial that this should happen, for all of you.

Make the most of the fresh time and hopefully in time, more energy you have for your LO, family, and especially yourself. You have clearly put a huge amount of thought and effort into this and you deserve some positive effects as well as your LO.

Cynbar

I think it takes a lot of courage to do what's best for your mother, but not necessarily for you. It is so important that she likes her new home, and she would have a tough hill to climb if she started out seeing her surroundings as a "dump." She will be going to a place that she already likes and is excited to go to -- this is a real win for her. I know you were looking forward to having her nearby, taking her for outings and visits to your home ---- that isn't going to happen but you'll find a new way to make memories when you visit. Your brother will be in charge of logistics like MD appointments, the caregivers will care for her, you can go back to just being hr daughter. Sometimes things don't work out just the way they are supposed to, but they do work out.

towhee

Marianne, if you spend a lot of time with your mother now, or a lot of time taking care of things for her, it would be good if you could plan something else to do with part of that time. Sometimes when you are wound up too tight you need to destress slowly.

On moving your mom-If their AL does not work for her, they might not have an immediate opening in their memory care. I think in this place they wanted to charge you 7 thousand for 24 hour private care? For how long? I would check into availability of private caregivers in the area and how much they cost. You don't want to be at the mercy of the AL in this regard again.

Hope things work out well with you and your mom.

Sjodry

Marianne,

I would add a video device (we have the Alexa Show 8) in my mom’s room. This allows me to drop in to see her every day (or night). I can just look at her or have a face-to-face video chat with her. My mom does not have to know how to do anything with the device. 

I understand your emotions about this decision but try to let go of the guilt about it. You are making the best decision for her care and her desires. 

Self-talk will help. Try to “turn-off” any guilt type feelings that pop up. You have made the best decision FOR HER...though the best decision for her is not an easy decision for you.

Maybe if things get worked out with your brother, you could go stay at his house one weekend a month and spend lots of in-person time with mom and then video with her during the other time.

It may never be ideal, but will give your mom the help and quality of life that she deserves.

You are a great daughter doing the best that you can by your mom!

Take care and be strong.

Sandy

windyshores

I remember your posts but not well.  It seems like your mother needs memory care. Is that where she is going?

If you are her lifeline,  I imagine you have exhausted the search closer to you. So there are no memory care facilities closer?

I would recommend a stand alone memory care only facility if possible- much better than MC's on the same campus as AL.   The other option, which is not available where I live, are board and care homes.

It sounds to me as if you are not happy with this choice further away. Is it possible you will adjust?  If not then I would not commit yet. 

Is there a stop gap measure to care for her before the room is readied by the busy custodian/manager?

King Boo

Hi Marianne-

4 years is a long time to be providing care. I too had young children when I was doing elder care.   There is only so much of you to go around.

Let me spin it in a positive light.   2 hours away completely removes the burden of frequent daily visiting because it simply isn't possible.  But 2 hours away is not an impossible distance either.

It can give you automatic 'boundaries'.   Plan to visit once a month.  Let your brother know ahead of time when you are visiting, or set up an 'first weekend,S or Sun of every month".  This advance notice will relieve him of the need to check in with the facility or visit your Mom.  It is a nice courtesy to give him. 

Sometimes, the child that is less emotionally attached can be a very good care advocate.  Less emotion to cloud judgement.   I know you wanted Mom to be able to do AL, and everyone clamored here not to do that, her care needs were higher-but hearing it directly from the horses mouth that she was exit seeking and therefore not appropriate for their facility was a splash of reality.

Remember, a Geriatric CareManager can be hired if additional go between or care advocate is needed for your Mom.

It's going to be OK, provided the care is good.  You are correct that proximity to one of you was important, good call.

Jane Smith

I am so sorry and know you’re very upset and stressed. 

I don’t mean to be flippant, but maybe consider the possibility that it could work out. It could be okay. Maybe not exactly how you want or imagine or hope for, but maybe it could still be okay. 

I don’t want to bore you with my details but I was terrified when we moved my mom to AL, and convinced it would never work and be terrible. Even some of the staff expressed a lot of concern when she moved in, that she might not settle in-ever.

To my shock and delight, she did settle in, and it turned out to be the best thing I could have done for her. It took time and patience and a lot of work on her medications, but she was much happier there for much longer than I could ever have hoped or dreamed.

This is not how it works for everyone, but I hope that perhaps things will be all right for your mom and for you.  

Please keep us posted if/when you feel comfortable. We are listening to you.

Marianne*

Thank you for all of your responses; I appreciate your perspectives, support and advice.  She will be going in their AL portion.  I'm hoping she can stay at least a year in that area before moving on to MC.  

I'm not sure what the future holds but I'm already thinking of when MC is necessary that she moves to a stand alone MC in Modesto (54 min) from me and about (1:15 from my brother).  I think that having her so far away and losing her memories is going to be very hard for me and I'm going to want to be there for her.  

https://koelschseniorcommunities.com/senior-living/ca/modesto/memory-care/el-rio/ 

The drive to Eskaton is not fun and I'm sure I'll get tired of it quickly.  It seems like once they get to the point of MC they don't really like leaving so I'm more concerned with her being closer so I can see her more and make sure she has the best MC.

So why not place her in MC now?  Eskaton is great, she "loves it", my brother deserves to experience some responsibility in taking her to MD appointments and spending time with her.  They have a lot of activities and the people there are "fun".  I feel like she deserves this chance and so does my brother.  After he takes her to 5 MD appointments, maybe he'll appreciate the past 10 years of me doing it all.

King Boo

That is a very valid point.  Even the most divisive of siblings, once they have both experienced being advocate or caregiver, start to 'get it' and if they are healthy will work at least in part together.

Take a week or two for rest and deep breaths, let Mom settle in.

Then, start  your research about all MC that are options further out from you and along the way collect nursing home information too.  You will need this.  Mom was just revealed not be be appropriate for AL near you, it is quite likely this will re-occur very soon at her place near your brother.  I believe you mentioned they are more 'stepped up' in care and moniter their residents.

Any hospital stay that requires rehab always has a better turnout if upon admission, YOU can provide the social worker your first, second and third choice of a nursing home.  Keeping a view as to whether they could be a good LTC fit is an important strategy.   

Marianne*

Thank you everyone for the insight and support.  King Boo, I'll follow your advice.

Jane Smith

Marianne, I hope you hang in there.

windyshores

So the Modesto MC is not in the picture for now...Since it is a freestanding memory-care only facility, and closer to you, I hope it will be a resource for you at some point.

I think we all give advice based on our experience.  I regret not moving my mother from AL to MC earlier. The advice we got was that earlier was better than later.  It is helpful if they can still establish connections with others, and routines.  And a move when dementia is worse can really cause setbacks/progression.

So if asked, I would still suggest direct entry in the Modesto facility, which has the added benefit of being closer to you.  Is it one hour from your brother or in another direction?

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Marianne*

Windyshores and Victoria, the move is set for tomorrow.  I'll pack her stuff and put in the apartment and my brother is bringing her about lunch on Sat to Eskaton.  I feel like I'm gonna vomit from stress.  I can't call him and say I've changed my mind again.  This has to happen this way for now.  At the very least I'll have to have her stay for a few months and then appeal to him that the drive is just to hard on me and I want my mom closer.  I can't really back track at this point.  I'm a wreck.  It's hard enough but not being able to make a decision on where she'll stay is gonna give me a stroke. 

Marta

It seems to me that you feel 'in your gut' that this is not the right decision.

Marianne*

Marta, you're right.  Dear God help me.  I was so anxious yesterday and in a panic. I called the director of Eskaton and asked what her day will look like when she first arrives, what kind of plan do they have for newcomers?  After I talked to him it made me feel somewhat better but I told him I didn't know if I could go through with having her so far away and was having a tough time.

45 min. later I get a text from my brother saying, "Adam from Eskaton called me.  You called asking about care plan and so on?  Don't pull this sh-- again."  This is the brother who left at 19 and never looked back, has never taken her to a dr appointment or on a vacation, comes to visit for a day and goes out with his friends for dinner instead of her, visits quarterly, etc.

That was it.  I called Park Merced (PM) and then went down there. Her apartment is still being worked on and should be ready later next week.  If it doesn't work, she'll go to memory care near me.  That's the best I can do.  

I spoke with my mom about it.  I know everyone says not to but I had to know what she wanted.  She doesn't want want to leave me and go to Eskaton and is ready for Park Merced.  It helps that she found out a lifelong friend just moved in and she knows other people.  That is paving the way.  The director of PM wants to do another assessment herself on Tuesday to make sure of where my mom's at in terms of dementia.  I appreciate this.  

I will be so glad when this part is over.  The stress over the year dealing with placement is killing me.

windyshores

I feel for you so much!  I am so glad you made this change.

If Park Merced says the dementia is an issue, then a freestanding memory care unit might work best.  The wandering/exit-seeking can be an issue.  But hoping PM works for her so the move can happen and you can have some relief.

Great that a friend moved in recently.

I have trouble understanding your brother's anger but having her closer to you will mean you don't have to depend on or communicate with him for the most part.

You have primary proxy right?

You are almost at the finish line for placement! It is okay to do what is best for YOU.

King Boo

What is done is done. 

I understand why your brother is furious.  I know you have past issues with him, but he is here now and acting.  Quarterly from 2 hours away is not abandonment even though you had different expectations. 

May I suggest again you consider hiring a Geriatric Care Manager RN?  This removes your anxiety and emotions about both your Mom and your brother, and gets some evidence based recommendations.  National Association of Geriatric Care Managers will yield some information.

The threshold of placement is an extremely stressful one.  It is less so if you know the facility you are using has an excellent record of care, you are placing at the appropriate  level which can care for your loved one on their WORST day with room to absorb at least some decline. I suspect at least part of your anxiety stems from knowing that neither place is a good fit.

You want to be able to walk away weeping quietly in the parking lot at your loss but knowing your Mom is being treated kindly, with dementia specific care, and is safe.  Do not expect her to be thrilled by any change in living situation. 

I completely understand your need to chat with Mom about this decision but if you continue to embrace this model it will impede your care plan and create unecessary stress for you. 

It is a tragic day when we come to realize that 'used to talk' is in the past tense and our relationship with our parent is completely changed and topsey turvey.  WE are now the parent.  As just like a parent, must set constructive boundaries and parameters 'to get the job done'.

Once that is reached, and the new role accepted, there will be days of joy ahead, though vastly changed.  It does involve the pain of letting go of the past and used to.   Even if you feel nauseous and like throwing up in the parking lot, which is exactly what I felt like. 

I wish you the best and hope  you find solutions that let you be advocate for your Mom and care for your family as well.   Parenting is  your #1 responsibility.  Much easier to do if the placement turns out to be appropriate. 

This period of your Mom's life is also where great healing from divides with your brother can take place. 

King Boo

I understand your brother's anger.  He was going to be the 'go to' person responsible for communication with the facility.  And his sister made a panicked phone call that caused enough concern for the director to tell him.  

There is a lot to still be worked out in this situation but what is jumping out at me is:

1.  Neither facility was appropriate and therefore this is at least part of your anxiety.

2.  You still have a case of the 'guilties' since you engaged Mom in a counter productive conversation about the move,   Things get easier when you realize, like it or not, that you are now the parent.  And some things don't get discussed in detail with your Mom because it will torpedo her care or be upsetting to her.   

3.  You have past issues with your brother.   Visiting quarterly from 2 hours away is a long, long way from abandonment, even though it did not meet your expectations.

Geriatric Care Manager might be a good thing to explore.  Good luck.

Jane Smith

Hang in there as best you can. We are listening!

windyshores

I think the point about neither facility being appropriate is a good one. It seems direct entry into a freestanding memory care unit might be best considering the wandering and "exit behavior."

As for your brother: don't you have primary proxy?

jfkoc

Wow...what a reaction from Eskaton. I can not imagine that you were the first person to make such a call. If they can't deal with a distraught child imagine how well trained they are to help a person with dementia.

It is great that she know people where she is going. 

Please remember your mother will be getting a lot of clues from you so put on your best face and save the stress for screaming in the shower.