not sure what happened

caberr

We were having a great evening.  My husband tries so hard to be "normal".   We are going to a wedding next weekend and all of a sudden he wants to meet a cousin he never met and supposedly lives in the same town the wedding is in. We are in MA.  The wedding is in NJ and so is the long lost cousin.  We have been in NJ so many times in the past years and never once has he said he wants to find his "lost cousin"  My family from NJ, Fl, TN and SC will finally get together after more than a year.  I want this to be "my family reunion". 

Am I wrong to suggest we find her another time?

sandwichone123

I'd perhaps suggest going along with the idea. If he can find the address or phone number that's fine, but I wouldn't suggest doing the work, certainly. He probably will never get around to it if you're vaguely supportive of the idea but don't provide the impetus.

M1

I think that might work Caberr-if you just say hmmm, maybe-if he's like my partner, shell talk about doing a lot of things but has lost so much executive function that she'll never get around to it. So if you go along, don't deny but don't encourage, what are the chances he will actually find the phone number, make the call, be able to organize a meeting, etc.? I find often that if I just don't react then it goes away. But I sure understand your concern. Hope it comes off okay.

1962ART

Dear caberr:  Totally agree with the two responders who have posted.  Don't confront or contradict.  Try something like, "Boy, wouldn't that be interesting?"  Or "maybe your cousin Bob who will be at the wedding could help you hunt that missing cousin down while I attend the festivities."  Sometimes, I mumble something noncommittal and then see if he brings it up again.  On other issues, which he brings up when he is sundowning, I just say, "You know, I hear what you are saying about xyzzy, but I am pretty tired.  Let me sleep on it and we'll talk in the morning."  If it's important or relates to a decision I am trying to involve him in, I talk to him about it in the morning over midmorning coffee when he is at his best.  And so am I.

Your feelings about the wedding are certainly valid.  Is there a way to involve him with your family doings so he doesn't invent ways to do something on his own?  I don't know what that would be, but maybe he is feeling left out.  I get that a lot from DH.  If I am gone from the house doing things with a friend for an hour, he finds a way to destroy the garden in an attempt to "help" or he harms himself "I had an accident with my knife so I drove myself to the ER."  I am afraid to leave him--he is pretty active and can still drive.  Last time my daughter took me for a Mother's Day mani/pedi and DH determined that he needed new shoes and a new pair of shorts.  His purchases were just fine, but we're not always so lucky. People have been really nice about returns!!  Other purchases just get tucked away in the garage.  Need a $200 RV converter?  Me neither.

Ed1937

I understand why you're wanting to go to your reunion. You don't say much about where your reunion will be held. Is it possible that you could give him an hour with his cousin, and still make your reunion? I'm guessing that if he never met her, a short meeting might be enough for him. It's not like he's visiting a close family member that he hasn't seen for some time. If you could work out something like that, it could be a win - win.

harshedbuzz

Does the "long lost cousin" actually even exist? Sometimes my dad would fixate on topics that were pure confabulation- for a time in the late middle stages dad had a bunch of children I'd never met.

As the disease progressed, it became all about him. It was almost as if he couldn't be left out if someone else had something "special" on the horizon. He once told me all about the work he put into rehabbing after his knee replacement surgery while pointing to his elbow. It was my mom who had the TKR, and the attention of a visiting nurse and PT, but he wanted in on the action I suppose. 

What I did in those situations was to agree enthusiastically to whatever he was stuck on and put responsibility for arranging it on him knowing it would never happen.

HB

caberr

Thanks, all good advice.  Waiting to see if he brings it up again today.   

Ed1937, you are right.  It is possible to give him and hour to visit. She's not close family so if he does find where she is it won't be a long visit.  And thinking about it, I may have over reacted.  

This is one of the things I like about this forum....it makes me think!  

Rescue mom

My DH with Alzheimer’s would talk about wanting to do things, and get-together, like this. I always said OK, you find out where, set it up, and we’ll go. He never took any of those steps, and he’d soon forget the whole thing. (As AD progressed, being away from home was a nightmare for him, which meant for me too. He did not recall specifics later, but he soon quit asking to go anywhere).

But situations like this, I never refused, nor did I particularly encourage or remind him. I just agreed when he said it, and told him  find out details (if needed) and make the arrangements. It never happened. 

Basically, what M1 and HB said. Also what HB said about everything had to be all about him. (He lost all empathy very early, which was so weird to me because he was *too* empathetic before, if possible.) 

If it turns out there really is such a person, and your DH manages to make some contact, why not do both, as Ed said. Just plan another day, or few extra hours. Same state, right? Maybe it won’t be far. But don’t, no way you should, give up yours.

caberr

Thanks Rescue mom.    It is in the same area as my family wedding so if he can find out where and when I will help him see her.  He gets along well with my family but I'm starting to think that maybe he is missing out on his, even though they never met.    It's a small thing and if it makes him happy why not

JDancer

Please let us know how this turns out.