feeling the chronic stress

Cynbar

M1, have you thought of arranging a respite stay for her, maybe a 2 week break to give you some much-needed rest? Different situation but I sent my DH to MC while I recovered from hip surgery. It taught me so much about the process, the logistics, reading contracts, and comparing facilities. I wouldn't say he was happy, but he did fine. I know a lot of posters would have suggestions on how to get her to go, and the facility staff is good about helping new arrivals settle in. Now that restrictions are lifting, I've started to think about another respite for him so I can get away, I also have felt more worn down lately. I think it will be money well spent.

M1

Thanks for the suggestion Caberr, but unless I were having surgery or leaving town there's no way she would agree, she would fight me tooth and nail, and there are animals here that need looking after that complicate the picture too.. I think my best way forward is just to hire farm and household help when we can.  No financial barriers to doing that, but lots of practical ones, including the rural area and low vaccination rates in our state. Deep sigh and soldier on....

Skeezie

I have "lurked" for a while, first time to post.  Everything I'm reading today could be a direct quote from me. DH is in advanced stage.  I just bought an electric razor because he is now needing help with shaving and I can handle this one.  But the grief and exhaustion are just so much to handle.  I grieve most everyday for "losing" him.  He was my hero and we had such a wonderful life.  This is torture.  I'm exhausted from doing everything.  I can't seem to keep up.  I realize someday he will probably have to go somewhere, but not yet.  One of the most aggravating things to me is people who "know" someone who has this, or maybe an in-law etc so they know how I'm feeling.  They haven't a clue.  It's 24/7, not a break and the emotional trama of watching your wonderful husband becoming Benjamin Button.  I have one friend whose spouse died 5 years ago and she has been wonderful help emotionally.  When I first joined I read someone say they had started hating their LO and I was so shocked and I closed out and didn't come back for a long time.  But now I understand how someone could say this.  Those thoughts have occasionally crossed my mind when I'm at my wits end.  Does anyone else cry almost everyday?  Everyone says to take care of myself....what does that even mean?  I take my meds.  Currently I'm wearing a heart monitor.  But someone coming over for a couple of hours so I can go out doesn't help.  Where can I go?  Do what?  I just worry about him.  I tried that a few times and didn't get any enjoyment out of that.  Sorry for the pity party but it's good to finally say this to all of you who understand exactly what I'm saying.  Thank you for listening.

A. Marie

Although God knows I wouldn't wish my current experience on my worst enemy, I'm  oddly reassured at the same time that at least 34 other people out there feel as wretched as I do. And a lot of you have additional burdens I don't have (DH and I don't have children or parents depending on us, and I do have in-home help). My hat's off to you all.

One of you described the caregiving experience as being "on point" all of the time. That's how I feel, too. I can't EVER relax, even when the home care aides are here (because I always feel as if the meter's running). I'm already on a medication for high blood pressure, my PCP has given me a "prediabetes" warning, and the only way I get any sleep at night is with an OTC preparation called Cortisol Manager. 

I'd write more, but I gotta stop. DH is on his umpteenth "trip to nowhere" around the house today, and I have to keep tabs on him to make sure he isn't peeing under the living room furniture, taking the master BR bureau drawers apart, etc. I'm sure the rest of you can relate.

CStrope

Skeezie.......Yes, I still cry almost daily.  My DH was diagnosed 10/2020.  Don't ever feel bad about how your feeling no matter how horrible it feels.  I can guarantee you we've all had some pretty rough thoughts.

And yes I totally agree, Self Care!  ha!  What the heck is that.

Davegrant

My contribution to chronic stress is that I have taken over most of the household duties but it seems like DW follows me around making sure I do things her way. I am an organized person but DW is less organized by nature. She does the dishes but she puts things in a different place every time, as a result I spend a lot of the time in meal preparation looking for the pots and pans and cooking materials. And during this time she is standing between me and the stove as trying to be helpful. I spend a lot of my days looking for her items that she has hidden, reconnecting the TV that she has pulled out the plugs on, and generally trying to maintain our household. The sad thing is that her whole life has been about raising her children and she has little interest in hobbies, reading, TV (she doesn't follow the plot of a story). She does do a lot of word find. We start each day with "who is coming today"? We actually have quite a few visitors for our age but she doesn't remember. My time is spent trying to keep her entertained by creating household tasks that she will only do her way. The latter is part of my stress. I don't know what I am asking but it felt good to write it.

banpaeng

I have reread the thread three times and was going to post but now I will.  This thread is so depressing.  Not knocking that as I am in the same boat.  I to have nothing to live for.  I have no plans for the future.

I hate it when folks tell me hire some help or put wife in MC.  Hiring help is not really the answer.  I still need to be there to oversee what happens.  I do try to go out daily while I do have help and if I did not have this help, I would really be in deeper doo-doo than I am now.  As far as MC, I like all the rest just can't stomach that at this point but I am very close.  I would also go broke, just in case I outlive her, then would have nothing.  Does she deserve great care.  Yes!!!!!!!!!

It amazes me how mush our fine government can give away and yet won't take care of seniors.  Hell has a special place for them.  It must be terrible to sell your soul.

I have griped enough, but feel all you guys pain.  I like the rest get a bit of strength from reading your post.  I know I am not alone.

Stuck in the middle

Understating symptoms to your doctor is like not telling your plumber which drain is plugged, but we all do it.  After my son died, I was telling my doctor I wasn't "all that depressed" and felt a tear running down my cheek.  I saw the doctor looking at the tear and thought "OK, I'm busted."  Got a prescription for an antidepressant and a referral to a psychologist.  Saved my life.

25 years later, I have developed a "duck-it" list.  A bucket list is the things you want to do before you die, but a duck-it list is all the things I don't have to do anymore.  I don't work on cars, mow grass, or clean house, and my meal prep has become very simple.  The hummingbirds can sip from my cannas if they like, but they are on their own.  This is partly due to old injuries turning into arthritis, and partly an attempt to reduce stress.

M1

 No idea when I wrote this,a week ago that it would touch such a nerve. It does help a bit to know there are so many of us in the same boat. I like the duck it list, Stuck.

I flunked my physical on Thursday, hadn't slept and blood pressure was through the roof. Doc was sympathetic but didn't have much practical help to offer (no surprise there). He did prescribe something for a nagging back issue and we'll see whether that helps. But the hard truth is there's just no clear way forward right now except to keep plugging.

banpaeng

M1 wrote:

 No idea when I wrote this,a week ago that it would touch such a nerve. It does help a bit to know there are so many of us in the same boat. I like the duck it list, Stuck.

I flunked my physical on Thursday, hadn't slept and blood pressure was through the roof. Doc was sympathetic but didn't have much practical help to offer (no surprise there). He did prescribe something for a nagging back issue and we'll see whether that helps. But the hard truth is there's just no clear way forward right now except to keep plugging.

And there lies the biggest PROBLEM.

My working days consisted of writing contingency plans.  You can not do any planning here.