Helping a friend with severe memory loss (undiagnosed)

ncarman

I'm trying to help a friend who can't remember much of anything. She's 77 and has no family. She is suspicious of most people that want to help her. She reached out to me because she remembered that we both have reverse mortgages. Hers is in foreclosure because she forgets to pay property taxes and homeowner's insurance. I don't know how many years this has been going on. She forgets to pay most bills. She can't remember passwords to her online banking, etc. Her car registration has expired. She lost her mailbox key. Her credit cards have gone to a collection agency. I'm trying to get her to the doctor but she keeps putting it off and I can't do anything without her permission and access to her info. She trusts me very much, but often forgets the topic from one sentence to the next. I believe alcohol is a contributing factor because her memory is even worse when she's been drinking.

I am fully committed to helping her with her financial mess and medical needs. Should I be prioritizing her medical diagnosis? or her finances? or both? She seems to fade in and out of wanting help. 

LaurenB

Sounds like it's time for a call to adult protective services.  They can help get the ball rolling and get a social worker involved since there aren't any family members.  You can call them anonymously if you want, but then you may not get the follow up or results of the call.

ncarman

Oh wow, thank you for your input, LaurenB! That sounds more serious than I realized. I have to admit that this has been very frustrating - starting at step one every time I talk with her...

Iris L.

She will probably need a professional, court-appointed guardian. It sounds like she can't do anything for herself.  As a friend, you can help by being there for her.  I telephone my cousin every day so that she has contact with the outside world, besides her aides. 

Iris L.

ncarman

Thank you SO MUCH, Iris

Rescue mom

She’s losing her home, and her credit cards, which makes me think she has no control over finances, which then makes me wonder if she can/will take meds (and has no doctor lined up),  get food, do all the other things to survive safely.

She has no family, and you can’t do it all, and right now you have no financial say-so. I’d say you need to call social services yesterday to get her some help—the professional, court-appointed guardian is probably best. Otherwise, someone with bad intentions could come in, or she could do something, or overlook something, that causes her serious injury. The stories of catastrophes, or nearly so, from forgotten stoves, broken pipes, falls, illness from spoiled food, ignored illness or injuries, etc etc would fill  a book

You said you’re committed to help, and it sounds like you’ve been incredibly supportive already. But it also sounds like she has severe financial and health issues—and she’s unwilling to see a doctor, nor give you any authority with her finances. 

 If she indeed has a dementia—or a serious alcohol-related emotional/mental problem—even family members here struggle to help and deal with a loved one with dementias. It’s a 24/7 job; many have to place a family member because they simply cannot do it. It’s exhausting physically, mentally, and financially. If you read through these threads, you’ll see some of the problems involved.

What you talk about doing to help her  yourself is a wonderful, helpful, saintly—seriously—thing. But it’s hard to imagine from outside how difficult it is, and how serious her problems can be. If it is a dementia, she will get worse. It’s much much more than just forgetting things. It’s behavior many can’t imagine.

ncarman

Thank you, you are correct on all counts. I have to say, though, that I feel like I’m betraying her confidence...

Regardless, today I will research my next move and make the call tomorrow. 

Wow, this is tough.

Cynbar

Please do call APS tomorrow. You aren't betraying her confidence, you are helping her get the help she clearly needs. Unless she has some treatable medical issue that is causing this, it is all going to get worse, and fast. People with dementia lose the ability to make reasonable decisions and ignore the safety risks -- they usually think they are just fine. All of this sounds way above the pay grade of even a devoted friend. She won't be able to thank you, but it's the right thing to do before a catastrophe occurs.

ncarman

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR ADVICE!

I called APS just now. I gave them the info they needed, along with a little backstory. They will assign our case to a social worker. I assume I will be contacted for further information. 

Whew! This is not easy...