One is the loneliest number

Gig Harbor

Years ago 3 Dog Night put out a song called One. They had obviously never lived with a person with dementia. In dementia land Two is the loneliest number. I would be so much less lonely by myself. I have to do everything around the house because my husband can’t help except fold laundry and unload the dishwasher. I find myself getting resentful especially as he is now starting to move things around and they seemingly disappear. If I were by myself I would look at doing those things as a challenge but I wouldn’t be resentful. I could do them whenever I wanted to. Two is definitely the loneliest number in our house.

June45

Agreed...at this point in our journey, I would also be less lonely by myself.

JDancer

I feel exactly the same way. Not to mention the amount of time spent worrying, keeping him clean, clothed, fed and occupied. It's lonely and exhausting.

Rescue mom

Well, yes. If just me, I’d be out with friends, traveling, and doing things I enjoy. I’d have real conversations with whoever is sitting with me. Of course every single person faces silence (but not like with a nonresponsive body present), and  chores, (but not like doing, or having responsibilities for, *everything* for someone else.)

Two is the loneliest for caregivers. But I sure did love this band.

banpaeng

For sure two is now the loneliest  number in this house.  I dream of the day I find freedom again.  Until then life sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jfkoc

I agree but "one" is not easy either.

Crushed

I have been alone for over three years now. I get reminded almost every day what it was like to have had a real partner, not just "someone to talk to".  Next milestone is in a week , it's our 46th wedding anniversary.  Of course she has no idea of it or me.  But I remember.   Oh do I remember. I just have to keep reminding myself that I had over 42 years  with my princess. How many people get 42  years with someone where they want to come home to her every single night? I used to browbeat airlines to get home early.  Oh well

John_inFlorida

reading some of these are just so sad. But nice knowing others out there feel the same. Its nice connection with other people who understand. No one else I could really share these feelings with

David J

Gig- The next line on the 3 Dog Night song is: 

“Two can be as bad as one; it’s the loneliest number since the number one”

Bhopper

Wow ! That is the simplest perfect example I sometimes find myself taking the extra 5 minutes to reorganize my wife's closet just to be alone for a short break. I love her dearly but somedays I can't breathe unless I get the small breaks to be 1.

Thank You! just a happy side-note Never Been To Spain can almost always change her mood for the better.

Thanks again

Melodious bird

I agree. We have passed through the moving everything around phase in my home. He used to put the dishes in the wrong place ( sometimes dirty ones that hadn’t been through the wash cycle yet). Now he basically sits in his chair all day. He knows who I am still, but we don’t have real conversations anymore. We used to have such a close relationship. It is very sad. If it weee just one I would be out with family and friends, instead I am home answering the same questions over and over again. At least I know I am not the only person who is struggling with this. Thank you for your post.

Lorita

I've been the (1) for over six years.  I'd rather be two even with the work and worry.  At least there's another warm body in the house and you can talk to them, even if you don't get the answers you expect.  Be content with the "two" while you can.  Being alone is not a lot of fun.

Doityourselfer

I look forward to when I only have to take care of one person - and that is me!

Gig Harbor

I find myself talking to the dog. She always looks interested in what I am saying and as long as the word treat is mentioned I have her attention. I find myself looking ahead to the time I am actually one. I am planning road trips, deciding what kind of car my new one will be because I will need to replace ours. I have to have something to look forward to because this disease has taken away our joint plans. I do try to list the good things in my life and find that they outnumber the bad ones but I do have to search for them some days. I also realize that by the time couples reach their 60’s and 70’s even if there is no dementia things are often not as good as it looks to an outsider. This time in my life is my survival time mode. I fit in exercise on my treadmill each day because I plan to be a thriver as well as a survivor. There are times when I feel like I am living in an alternate universe but it helps me get thru the day.

feudman

GH, I love your last post. There are so many different ways of looking at things (as in our situations). I too have often thought about what things would be like at this point sans dementia...would we be treasuring each other in blissful harmony? Doubtful. Perhaps, like old clothes, comfortable with each other, but taking fir granted our precious time together.

Anyway, how many of you know what a "Three Dog Night" is? Hint: you have more of them in certain parts of the country, and none in others.

ButterflyWings

Gig Harbor - love the song and yes, I agree with your assessment. I hear Lorita's experience too...that there may be a time when I will wish for even my compromised LO to be back with me. I already want my real DH back, but that's different. And its never going to happen. Thanks AD.

But at this stage (6b-6c) I, too, am looking ahead one day to maybe?, hopefully?, having the chance to be "alone but not lonely" for hours, days or weeks on end as I choose. This idea of being part of a twosome where one party is really not truly present, but also not at all self-sufficient is the kicker. It creates the constant reminder of what was, and what will now never be, that makes the loneliness and loss front and center for me. 

And, yes, the survival mode in doing for two with a LO who pulls in the opposite direction on most things now. I don't have a song reference for this, but it reminds me of a book a survivor wrote when she left her abusive husband. She found herself suddenly raising 2 or 3 young sons alone while trying to support them financially, emotionally, and physically taking care of the house, yard, car, shopping, cooking, feeding, cleaning, health care, school expectations, sports commitments etc. She said whoever described that as being a "single parent" was wrong; you're a "double-parent" when running everything singlehandedly. That's what we are too. And its a lonely road, for sure.

Lorita

Feudman - we had two weeks of three-dog nights this past February.  I can do without those. 

Beachfan

Gig Harbor wrote:

I also realize that by the time couples reach their 60’s and 70’s even if there is no dementia things are often not as good as it looks to an outsider.   

GH, I so agree with this statement.  So many of our same age friends (70’s) are dealing with health problems, aging parents, wayward kids and grandkids, financial woes; sometimes it makes DH’s condition and our present lifestyle seem like a walk in the park.  I often lament missed travel, social outings, what might have been.  But I can see, as I grow older,  that quiet time at home is a blessing.  Thankfully, for now, I am incredibly physical healthy, caring for DH is not a huge burden and I have some bucket list plans on the back burner should I become “one”.  For now, I miss “him” terribly, but “he” is long gone so it’s one day at a time.  I look forward to a life after Alz, but then, do I? It’s a case of “watching what you wish for”.  

Crushed

When dementia hit we were just beginning the golden years. Second daughter was getting married. DW had wonderful career capping job.   I was being invited around the world. The crash was hard. Nothing would be like we hoped. We were lucky.   I could keep the ball rolling for 6 years.  But when DW could no longer be a partner in any way  I endered the wold of lonely .  Largely still there

Potsie

Dementia shattered our future together. Two is very lonely and very quiet. DH has aphasia. He is in Advanced Living. When I am home it is very quiet, no one to talk to. At the facility is my best friend, unable to speak or understand. I still talk to him and would love to hear one word. Now he can only laugh at any sound he hears whether is is talking or just noises around him. I agree that one and two are lonely. I have no idea what completely being one will be like. I hope to live again and find some enjoyment. I feel so sad for DH, he can't even figure out how to  cough when he needs to. His quality of life is really declining. Thinking of all you ones and twos. Hoping for some sunshine for all of us. Hugs