My DH thinks there are four of me living in our home.

Poulsbo

DH is convinced there is a group of us (his wife and her imposters) living in our house.  Do any of you have a partner/spouse/LO who suffers from "imposter syndrome" or Capgras Syndrome?

 I am new to the world of dementia/Alzheimer's.  I don't even know if what my DH has is dementia or Alzheimer's.  What I do know is that my DH began losing mathematical, verbal, and problem-solving skills (he is a civil engineer) about three years ago.  About a year ago, he had to stop driving because he was incapable of making split second decisions.  He stopped at green lights, turned left from the far right lane, stopped when autos traveling in the opposite direction stopped even though cars were moving going in his direction.  He refused to see a doctor until two weeks ago.

My DH saw a neurologist last week and the neurologist referred him to another neurologist with a specialty in psychology.  The neurologist prescribed a brain MRI, lab work, and occupational therapy.  Meanwhile, my DH does not know which woman (wife imposters)  is his wife of fifty-five years. Of course, the only people in our house are my DH and me.  No other person even comes to our home to visit.  We just moved here from another state last October and we have met  no one because of Covid-19. 

Have any of you ever cared for someone with the imposter syndrome?  If so, what was the eventual diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis?

Living in an alternate reality.

towhee

Hi Poulsbo, welcome. You'll get a few more responses Monday, the forum is a little slow on the weekend. I know it was such a relief to get your husband to a doctor and I hope you will have answers soon. 

Yes, this "there are two of me or three of me" is something that happens with dementia, the topic comes up every so often here. I think the last one had a post title of "can it progress this fast" and the last post was on April 12. You might want to look at that thread.

Take care-

Hudson

You have described my husband perfectly. David has been having memory issues starting around 2017. I attributed it to the fact we had built a new home in NC and he was under stress caring for two homes. By 2019, I could not ignore the signs that something was wrong any longer and had him evaluated by a neurologist. The MRI of the brain and lab work were unremarkable and they diagnosed him with memory impairment and visual- spatial impairment. In 2020, he continued to get progressively worse unable to do simple things like write a check, balance his checkbook, operate the tv remote or his phone. He finally gave up driving after a few near misses. He slowly loss interest in the things he enjoyed like golf and reading. Then in January of this year he began forgetting who I was and thinks there are several women saying they are me. He also asks where the people went who were here this morning. Of course it’s just the two of us living in our home, He also is very confused around our home not knowing where the bedroom , kitchen, laundry etc are. So far, he is able to take care of his personal needs but needs supervision with practically every aspect of his life. My husband is on Donepezil and Memantine and quite frankly, I don’t think they have been of any benefit to him. I am not optimistic that the imposter syndrome can be reversed. I try to take it in stride one day at a time. He is still very loving and gentle and for that I am grateful. There is still alot of the man I married 30 years ago in him but I know I’m losing him little by little. But the hardest piece has been forgetting who I am. I think I can bear everything else but that. Good luck to you and keep the faith.

Gig Harbor

Hi Poulsbo, 

Welcome to the forum. I am not familiar with imposter syndrome. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to be in a new town and not be able to get out or have any break from your husband. We have a support group in Gig Harbor but it would be quite a drive for you. If you want to message me I might be able to help you find a group closer to you or at least offer phone/text support.

Rescue mom

Poulsbo, I wrote a long answer to you on another (wrong) thread. My mistake and apologies to all affected.

But yes, thinking there is more of you, not recognizing you, or thinking there are others in the house, etc., is fairly common in dementias. Alzheimer’s is a type of dementia. There are several types of dementia, Alzheimer’s is one type. It’s like “Apple” is to “fruit.”

There is so much to unpack here, and I see you are new. I highly, strongly recommend you Google an article called “Understanding the Dementia Experience” by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. It’s about 25 pages, but great, easy to understand information. Free. You can print it or read online. It’s the best thing I’ve read on the subject.

There is no cure. There are some prescription meds that may  help some patients slow down the symptoms; many say the meds didn’t matter. If he becomes overly anxious or aggressive, there are meds that can help with that kind of behavior, and with hallucinations. 

You’ve already seen the lost abilities of math and driving. Make sure you have control of finances.  They usually lose the ability to handle money and/ or fall for scams. People here have lost hundreds of thousands because LO with dementia misused money or credit cards and gave it away, bought useless stuff, or got scammed.

The doctors were no help when my DH was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I remember how I thought the Dx meant doctors could tell me what abilities would be lost, and what bad behaviors would start and when.  They cannot. Everyone is different. Different people lose different abilities at different times, and exhibit different behaviors.

Seeing the scans—which showed inarguable brain loss—helped family realize what we were dealing with. Usually, in my experience, the patients are diagnosed before reaching the point of seeing people who are not there (hallucination) or not recognizing you. Regardless, not much can be done about it except to keep them calm, maybe using meds to help. You can’t reason with them, it’s real to them,

My DH lost ability to use cell phones, remotes, GPS etc. very early. But he can still toilet correctly. Others become incontinent early, but can still use cell phones. It’s just different for everyone.

You can’t reason, explain, or use logic with them. Repeating constantly is useless.  Their brain is broken. They just cannot do it. You have to learn how to deal with their behaviors, sometimes you have to fib to prevent them being upset.

This forum has been the most helpful thing by far in learning how to deal with their behaviors and losses. Real-life support groups too,; it’s not just “touchy-freely, heres a hug” stuff, such groups are a source of  useful needed information.

Rescue mom

A couple other thoughts...usually this is first advice given: if you have not already, see an elder law attorney ASAP. You will need power of attorney and ability to manage his health care, and financial authority. If he has any dementia, soon he will be be unable to handle such things and you need to get this legal work done before that. Others can explain it better, if you have not thought about that yet.

If he is listed as your successor/caregiver/financial manager, you need to change that as he will not be able to do that.

Also, get any and all important papers together and lock them up, or hide them somewhere really, really hidden. Many, maybe most, dementia patients go through a rummaging stage (we often call it hunting and gathering) where they will move, hide, and throw away just about anything—with no memory or comprehension of what they did.

If there are guns or other weapons in the house, get rid of them or disable them. He’s having hallucinations now about other women being there, think what could happen if he thinks he sees someone threatening. Or does not recognize you and thinks you’re a robber.....

Now that COVID has eased up, many support groups are starting back. You can call your local Alzheimer’s Association to find out. In fact, they can provide you with tons of information about dementias and services available in your area. All free. At least give them a call and go talk, they are a great starting place. The one in my area also had a list of attorneys specializing in elder care. The AA doesn’t recommend one, but at least they give you good choices.

Pam BH

Welcome, Poulsbo.  I'm sorry you have the need to be here but the people here have more information and been-there-done-that experience than anywhere else. It's such a help knowing the things I and my DH are experiencing are not uncommon.  My DH thinks I bring in other women to be in bed with him and even dress them like me.  I have to laugh later when I think of how nice that is of me!  Since he's been on Memantine he still has delusions and hallucinations but doesn't get as anxious about them as he did.

ButterflyWings

Hi Poulsbo,

Yes, my DH also has multiple wives (all of them, me). The first time he asked me where the other woman went, it was such a gut punch...it took my breath away and made me sad for days. He said, "she was just here in the bed with me", and I realized he didn't really know who I was anymore.

I'm over it now, (well it doesn't hurt like it used to) though it still is beyond me to understand how this brain disease works. Today, we spent several hours seated next to each other on the couch. He, resting his eyes, and me working. I left for 15 minutes (next room) to prepare a quick meal. When I brought it back he wanted to know where the guy went, who had been sitting next to him. And still later, was his son going to eat too...repeating "he was just sitting there" (I didn't bother telling him, no, that was me).

As for the multiples, yes, he had that hallucination a couple weeks ago too -- I came back into the bedroom and he was so glad to see me. Said the other 4 or 5 ladies that were in there before just kept bothering him, and he really needed to sleep (!). That would be me. And believe me, I wasn't bothering him that I know of. Just sitting up in bed next to him, reading sanity-saving posts on this forum. 

Hang in there. The only thing we know for sure, is that it's going to get even more interesting! When his hallucinations first started it was worries that intruders were threatening us so he was stockpiling knives, big garden tools, a bat, etc...and I quickly got his neuropsych involved before someone got hurt. He's not so agitated or worried now, but still having really wacky experiences with people I can't see or hear. I even hear him having conversations with them sometimes.

Poulsbo

Thank you for your response.  Every response to my query is helpful.  I have no one to talk with locally about my DH so I am seeing a therapist.  But nothing helps as much as talking with someone who is there, been there, or done that although it is heart wrenching to know that there are so many of us living these crazy, mixed up lives.

Sometimes, I feel extremely guilty about the dark hole of despair I feel because I know that millions of other people suffer through and experience life-altering events all the time and they don't complain.

I am hoping that my DH's brain MRI scheduled for Monday, May 24 will reveal the cause of my DH's cognitive and speech decline.  If it is dementia, I know there is no cure.  But knowing the cause of his inability to participate in social events, drive, use a cell phone, control the remote, believing there is a "group" of me living with him in this "building" will help me make decisions regarding his care and our finances.  Right now, my DH believes that the "wife group" is trying to steal his money.  As a result, I have been unable to convince my DH to invest several savings bonds that are exclusively in his name.   Can you imagine?  We have been together for over sixty years, married for fifty-five years, and had two children and my DH thinks that I (one of us wives) wants to steal his money?

One of the actions that is most exhausting emotionally to me is my DH constantly challenging me.  Every word I utter is misconstrued by him to be insulting.  He has no judgment or comprehension of  coherent thoughts and takes everything personally.  All I feel like doing is lying down in the fetal position and crying.

Thank you everyone for the wise and practical advice.  I hate the fact that anyone else is living this way.  I am so sad.

Poulsbo

Hudson, my DH, Dave, began having memory problems around 2017 too.  My first clue that I ignored was that after explaining at least a thousand times or more, my DH  couldn't remember how to open his email or retrieve messages on his cell phone.   I attributed it to his being hard of hearing, inattentive, and stubborn.  As a matter of fact, I attributed his nonsense answers and responses to questions and discussions as being his lack of hearing.  He refused to get a hearing test until February 2020.  His hearing test revealed that he had lost 75% of his hearing.  We purchased top of the line hearing aids.  His cognitive behaviors persisted despite the hearing aids. 

My DH having the imposter syndrome is frightening.  Just now, he walked into the room where I was keying this response and said that he wanted to talk to me about his dear wife.  He said that as much as he loves her, he believes that she is doing bad things like having a boyfriend.  He said that she leaves for the weekend then returns having said that she finished reading her book when she hadn't and that she looks and acts very suspicious.  (Keep in mind that my DH has been tethered to me for six months.  It is in only in my fantasies that I could leave for a one night let alone two!)

The reason his believing there are multiple me is that he could decide to do away or harm one because he, in his diseased mind, believes she is being unfaithful. 

Does your DH say frightening things about you to his imaginary wives?  If so, how do you handle it?

Weary and Wary

Jo C.

Hello Poulsbo and a very warm welcome to you.   I am so sorry for what is happening; it is certainly a challenge and must be overwhelming.

For those who are not familiar with Capgras Syndrome, here is a link to an overview and suggestions as how to manage in such situations:

https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org/brain-health/capgras-syndrome-dementia-are-you-a-pretender-or-real-mary

There is another syndrome similar but a bit different called, "Fregoli Syndrome."  In any case, this is very difficult for the caregiver.  Hopefully, the neurologist will be able to assist in prescribing that will make a difference.

I also have to say that I am quite familiar with, "Poulsbo."   A beautiful little town; my husband and I have visited Poulsbo and stayed there multiple times.   The Norwegian influence is everywhere and the view of the "fjord" is lovely and the lutefisk stories abound; "uff da!" We seriously were thinking of moving to Poulsbo, but then our aged parents; both sets, developed dementia and it was not workable.  Lovely, lovely place to be.

 I so hope that you are able to get some workable assistance from the Neurologist; please let us know how you are and how it is going; we truly do care.  Also, the Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour helpline available 365 days a year at (800) 272-3900.  If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant.   There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics.  They are very supportive, have much information and can often assist us with our problem solving.  Sometimes we just need to call to speak to someone and vent our feelings; that too is part of the service.

So glad you found this very supportive place; it is a soft place to land and a place where you will be understood; we get it.

With warmest thoughts being sent your way,

J.

Poulsbo

We loved Poulsbo.  The residents are as friendly as the setting is devine.  We were fortunate to have been able to live in Poulsbo for eight years.  We moved in 2017 because our daughter and her family relocated to another state and she insisted that we live close to her so that she could help in our old age.

We moved.  Our daughter then divorced her husband of 27 years and moved back east.  As a result, we moved to Scottsdale, Arizona in October, 2020 to be near our son and his family.  This is the last time we will move out of state.  We had dozens of loyal and kind friends in both Poulsbo and Laguna Niguel.  Now we have no friends or acquaintances, just each other.  Dave is incapable of social interactions.

Thank goodness we have our son and family and I have this website.  Unless you have lived with and/or cared for a dementia patient, there is no way a person can understand the constant changes and unimaginable actions of a LO with dementia.  It makes me sad to think there are so many people suffering from and with this abhorrent disease.  But, it is comforting to be able to share some of the experiences with others. 

I highly recommend living in Poulsbo, WA!

Jo C.

My favorite photo of Poulsbo:

https://cityofpoulsbo.com/

So much more; but this I think captures the Poulsbo spirit.

I am sorry about all the moves and of course at the most difficult of time to be suddenly out of your beloved town of choice.   I have two aunts and uncles who moved to follow their adult children several times each; both of them regret having done so, they left close friends, churches, beloved homes in the midwest, and a way of life they fully enjoyed.   Kids kept moving due to work transfers though and that made everything much more difficult and the grandkids all grew up and moved away themselves.  One aunt ended up in Texas and the other in Colorado where their adult kids had moved.  Both aiunts are now widowed and despite being elderly, they have risen to the occasion and are pretty okay in that regard.    They have adapted and made new friends but still will talk about their favorite places that they had left and, "would not do it again.".

Of course, that was also harkenilng back to days when they were younger, healthier, stronger,  their husbands were alive and well, and all was so much easier.   One thing with certainty; life always brings changes and changes and changes . . . .

I so wish you well and once again send warm thoughts your way,

J.

JJAz

This is a common feature of some types of dementia and is called capgras syndrome.  It evolves over time and frequently disappears only to be replaced with some other crazy symptom. 

Blessings,

Jamie