Article - Communication Tips for Visits (or Everyday) with our LOs

ButterflyWings

Sharing... these are really good reminders of how to talk and be with our PWD loved ones. The article is intended for visiting someone with dementia, but I can see the value for everyday caregiving too. Do’s and Don’ts for Visiting Someone with Dementia – DailyCaring

I struggle with #5: (communicating in short, 1 topic sentences). Really need to work on that, as it might make my DH more cooperative. He was always such a deep thinker and beautiful speaker/presenter/teacher. And he never lets on now that he doesn't understand. (Except a few times when he will literally say, "that doesn't make any *blankety-blank* sense", lol). But this reminds me that maybe he isn't really following everything I'm saying a lot of the time now? So his "go-to" default behavior is becoming "No!" 

Rescue mom

Lol (kind-of) on his go-to answer of “no”.  My DH with Alzheimer’s also had/has no idea what I’m talking about, but his go-to was “yes” which caused some problems in earlier days because he’d agree to things he absolutely could not do or had any understanding of.

 I’ve mostly stopped, but every now and then I’ll say something about what’s on TV and he nods, or says “un huh” and then the next thing said shows he has no idea what’s going on. But looking back, it’s kind of funny to think how he agreed with things that normally were a horror for him...it did.cause some problems with others, who didn’t realize HE didn’t realize.

ButterflyWings

Rescue mom - yep, that is funny (sort of). 

I would love to trade with someone for the "yes" default though, because DH's obstinance is getting problematic. His increasingly frequent "no" is around hygiene, meds, and even just getting in the car to run small but important errands with me...no more than 1-2x per week.  That takes an act of Congress these days and a 3-hour ordeal of changing clothes (business suits) 2 or 3 times, plus let's not talk about changing the depends first =| or maybe not wearing 3 undershirts and the long winter coat, which I finally just gave in to yesterday so we could pick up his Seroquel refill before things really ran off the rails. We missed our original 2nd vaccine appointment because he just would not move. Thank goodness we were able to reschedule and get it done the next opportunity. 

But, if my changing to 1-topic sentences can help him not be so confused (if that's what it is), and thus he goes back to his (somewhat more) cooperative self, I would jump for joy! I can't leave him alone but have no backup care partner yet to let him stay put while I do what needs to be done without dragging along an unwilling sidekick. Trying to remember the days when he would drop whatever he was doing to help me get my/our needs met. Hah! Long gone.

Iris L.

Suggestions:

"Do you want to get ready to go pick up your medicine?"

No!

"It's time to leave" or "Let's go for ice cream!"

"Okay."

Iris

ButterflyWings

Hey Iris, good suggestions --I understand the strategy and used it successfully in the past. Maybe that will work again after his next step down, but so far not this phase.

Boy I only wish it were that simple. When I say DH's current default is 'just say "No"', it matters not the simple 'either/or choice' offered, the treats + rewards promised, nor the positive matter-of-fact tone. He's not buying.

Rescue mom

Or, like mine, I’d say “let’s .get ice cream” and he’d say yes. But not move.

“It’s time to get in the car” .  Yes (no other response or action)

The response is yes, that does not mean by any stretch he will do it.

May flowers

My FIL is a “yes” guy too, lol. He had no idea what he was agreeing to much of the time. 

He was very good at masking his dementia, you could absolutely think he is following something you are saying as he smiles and nods. He might even pick up one word in the conversation and link it to a story from his childhood. DH realized at one point when he talked about his own childhood, my FIL rarely had recollection of any of it.