What's the best way to move someone to AL that doesn't want to leave their house?

Marianne*

I'll be moving my mom to AL this coming weekend.  This is the plan:  On Friday, my brother will pick her up and take her to his home (2 hours away - this is the location of AL, too) where she will stay until Sunday morning.

I'll go to her house on Friday afternoon and begin packing.  On Saturday I'll rent a Uhaul and move her things. (It's a 1 bedroom apartment.)

My brother doesn't want to discuss anything or say anything to her about it.  Basically take her and walk away while she's busy.  

This means that she will walk into her apartment and see all of her things without warning.  I'm worried that this is going to be worse in the long run.  

What's the best way to tackle this?  TIA

King Boo

Your brothers approach is a good one.  

Don't fall trap to YOUR need to discuss and tell her.  Your goal is to accomplish the move as smoothly with as little upset as possible.

Many facilities will have furniture left over from previous residents that they can move into Mom's apartment, as an option.

Some find familiar things comforting, some it could create problems for.

Why not get the basics (bedding, clothing).   Play the rest by ear.   It could easily be moved in while Mom is at a doctor's appointment or you could pay the facility to move items in at a later date.

We moved my LO in with a comforter, clothes, and toiletries and a TV.  Gradually, over time I added some decorations, a familiar comforter.  I never did move in furniture or big keepsakes.  Keeping it very, very simple and uncluttered helped his function.

When you say apartment, there is no kitchen, correct?  If there is, have them disable or remove the stove before she moves in.  It is a non issue then.

star26

Your brother’s plan is what is often recommended. You might also be prepared with a fib to tell her about why she’s there and that it is temporary (to be used after she’s already there). Maybe something happened at her house while she was visiting your brother and she needs to stay there until it’s fixed. While she’s adjusting, you may need to field angry demands to go home or sad pleas. Be prepared to repeat the fib and offer reassurance. 

From a practical standpoint, I would be most concerned with having measures in place to prevent this placement from being a repeat of last time. Has your brother addressed this? If she is going to the same room in AL, and they required you to hire a full time sitter for her before in order to keep her from leaving, and she has also started wandering at night, is he prepared to hire and pay for a sitter if it becomes necessary and for as long as necessary?  I’m not sure of the reason you brought her back home when this happened last time, but if I were in your shoes it would make me feel a lot more comfortable knowing that I would not be in that predicament again. 

Marianne*

Hi King Boo,

When she was there last time for 3 days in Sept. we used borrowed furniture from the ALF.  My mom didn't like it.  She kept saying she didn't like using other people's things.  Even when I told her it was "model" furniture they used.  The kitchen is a small fridge with freezer, microwave, some cabinets and sink.  No stove.  

Marianne*

Hi Star26, this time around no mention of a caregiver has been made.  I think this might be because when she was there two weeks ago and had an assessment she was happy to be there.  That's going to change though when she sees her things in an apartment.  

We did have a fib last time about the gasline, but it was a nightmare.  She remembers me talking about Adult Protective Services APS and how I'm in trouble for not providing enough care.  Also, I'm doing some traveling this summer so I could combine those two.  She things that when the assessment was done in her home by Park Merced that they were from APS.  So, that lie is established if she remembers.

A caregiver I use now to help with meds is lined up to go and stay at my brothers and work there 12 hours a day with her.  I also am communicating with several other caregivers at Care.com.  Doing my best to be ready.  

I'm just not sure what's best.  Should I not use her furniture?  Maybe some of it?  

Laura4yoga

Good thoughts from others already! So hard! We moved my MIL last summer to an AL. she was at a point in disease that we could still talk with her about leaving her home and she agreed (not easily) to move, but then would not remember she agreed later that day. Perfectly OK if you need the fib route, we have used that at times too!! The staff should help with redirecting her as needed too! The morning of the move we did share the plan again and she just didn’t understand that she needed help. Out of love for us she agreed to do us a favor and give it a try! She was a trooper! We went in a day or two before without her and set up her room suite with her things! Her own bedroom set, tv, chair and ALL pics of family and grandkids hung up on walls. Each person and family is so very different but for us it ended up working out after a couple months she settled in and now says she is so lucky to be there and has activities and friends. Just be ready to field her calls and reassure her again and again. Remember to take time for yourself and remind yourself again and again that you are doing the right thing and YOU ARE ENOUGH!