First Holidays

jyssilly

Hi!  I'm new to this forum, but have already gotten so much information from reading through many of the threads.

My dad has recently been moved to assisted living after a pretty traumatic month of going through an ER and geriatric-psych facility.  My 2 siblings, my mom, and I are all pretty burnt out and still working through some of the "plans for future".  The thing that has been bothering me the most is holidays.  With mother's day just recently passing and father's day coming up, we're wondering how people deal with their LOs in facilities during holidays?  We are not going to be able to be there for small holidays, and for big holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas) when we're home (where my mom lives), our dad isn't going to be there with us.  Being around us actually seems to increase his agitation and we can't see how we can even take him out of the AL for a visit.

How have others done holidays - bring the holiday to the AL?  Go to a neutral place - like celebrate early with lunch/dinner out?

Thanks for advice.

zauberflote

Hi silly, and welcome! I'm sorry you've got such turmoil on your collective family plate just now, and hope things can settle down soon!

When Dad died, Mom chose to move near our sister, as sis lived in the same part of the country Mom had lived most of her life in. Neither bro nor I lived anywhere near. We were never in the habit of travelling to see each for holidays. Mom spent Tgiving with friends or sis, alternate years, and then Christmas and New Year's Eve alternating hosting sis or being hosted. Then she moved to AL, and I think sis would have Mom over for one of those occasions. By then sis had grandkids, and was travelling to them. I never visited on an actual holiday. We talked and I sent a little present at Christmas. Then Mom moved to MC in my city early one October. We celebrated Tgiving the Friday, by bringing a big meal to the "private family dining room" at her MC. DH and I, one of our sons, and a friend of his. It was a cheerful occasion! By the time Christmas rolled around, we knew bringing Mom to our other son's was a non-starter. I visited her, and had spent all of December doing Christmassy things with her. 

Easter was easy-- we were already taking Mom to church with us. We may have gone to a little restaurant that day too, don't remember. Mother's day can be iffy! I don't think I made a big deal of it bc by then she didn't always know I was her daughter. I probably brought flowers. 

There comes a point when the excitement of the holiday festivities is just too much stimulation for them. Two Thanksgivings in a row MIL asked to be brought home from the giant family gathering, even though she was seated on a quiet sunporch with one family member visiting. That sort of gave me an idea of how I could handle Mom...

Cynbar

My DH is still home, but I have friends with relatives in nursing homes or ALs. Most of the time, the facilities have a special meal on the occasion where family can come in a join them for a fee. My friends generally try to work it out so someone at least goes for this meal, so their loved one doesn't feel left out when others have family. Some families take turns so the responsibility doesn't always fall on one person, some families organize their other celebrations around this event. None of them try to take their relative out, they find it confusing and disruptive, but that may be an option for some.

harshedbuzz

IME, most LTC facilities typically have a celebration for major holidays a few days before the actual holiday. Christmas, for instance, might be a luncheon party the Sunday prior with family invited. Dad's MCF did a monthly celebration to which family was invited. These were typically held in the evening or weekend afternoon. They did a wedding reception themed Valentine's party with cake, dancing, an interactive DJ and people dressing up. One resident even wore her original wedding gown. 

Rescue mom

Assuming everything is back to mostly normal after COVID, facilities where I had family would have some special activities for residents, and family could accompany, as well as eat with their LO if wanted. You could decorate their room. I would visit, sometimes eat, but often they just got tired out pretty quick, as usual.

You could also take your LO out, or back home if you wanted, but that didn’t work well for most. By the time they in ALF or MC, big gatherings and such disruptions in routine was too upsetting for many with dementia.

Also, it’s sad but remember that as they progress, many PWDs just don’t remember the holiday traditions and activities. And disruptions and large groups become upsetting and hard for them to handle. (It was a little confusing for me that you said being around you all increases his agitation. Do you think that will change with time? Or it won’t happen, or be better controlled, at holidays?)

Holidays often become,, sadly, just another day for them. (Sad for us, not so much for them). I used to worry so much about my mom in a facility with dementia, but I finally accepted that holidays were not a thing for her —and many others in her 2 facilities— any more.

Mlewis501

The medical techs in my mom's facility do many different holiday activities with them.  They made necklace's at Christmas, cards at Valentine's and etc.  I know it is hard.  When I visited my mom for Mother's Day, she wasn't even aware what Mother's Day is or that I was her daughter.  This was the first time she did not know who I was.  While she would often forget my name, she always knew I was her daughter.  However, on Mother's Day weekend, she thought I was her mom.... so, long story short.... we are just trying to find new a new normal for holidays.  Take it one day at time and give yourself GRACE

jyssilly

Thank you all for your thoughts on this topic.  I can't check in often, but each of your stories and recommendations really helps.

I think we (my family) were all hoping that as dad adjusted to the assisted living and wasn't calling to go home daily, he might be OK with being able to go out for dinner to celebrate.  But some recent outbursts (due to changes in routine) are leading me to think what you all are describing is going to be the norm - need to have routing, not being able to leave AL, and needing to tone done the celebration to just small numbers of people visiting with him and not a whole group.  I am so grateful to hear all your stories.  Thank you for sharing.