betrayal?

satchbee

My wife of 41 years, Wanda, is in stage 6 ALZ. All of you know what this is like. In addition to the heartrending decisions involved, we know about the incontinence, the wandering, the stubbornness, the devastating silence from one who can no longer speak in complete sentences, the ache from watching a once vital person disintegrate before your eyes...the financial worries, on and on. 

I'm lucky that my wife's sister takes her out every Tuesday for fun of one sort or another. So, today, her sister sets up a lunch and then a visit to some family members. Fine. When they returned here, Wanda's sister let me know she had invited an old teacher friend for lunch, too. Now, this woman has been persona non grata around me for over a year because of her very high strung and often insensitive comments and behavior.

This old acquaintance, according to Wanda's sister, really dug in with questions to Wanda about her coloring book hobbies...she became insistent for answers. Well, Wanda just shrugged and used monosyllables, mumbling...she's in stage 6 for heaven's sake!

I have no idea why her sister arranged this lunch without asking me first. But, it feels like a betrayal. Is it? Her sister must have known I would disapprove...I just feel so let down. Should I say something?

For some reason this has left me feeling more alone than ever.

Joe C.

satchbee, I can certainly understand your being upset but my advice would be to very politely ask your sister-in-law not to invite this person again and then just let this go. It will do no good to remain upset and alienating your sister-in-law will only rob your of a resource that allows you to get a break.

June45

I don't know whether or not your SIL meant any harm in it, but from what you said, I would have felt betrayed or at least baffled as to why she would invite someone I don't particularly get along with.  You might try to tell her how it made you feel and your concern about your wife's feelings. But you know your SIL best and you will have to decide if it is worth it.

P.S. as Joe C, said, you don't want to alienate her.

Ed1937

I don't think there's much that can be added to Joe's post. It seems like he covered it pretty well.

Poulsbo

Trying to understand why your SIL was part of such a thoughtless and cruel exercise is non-productive.  Perhaps the persona non grata bullied your SIL into taking her on this excursion with your DW.  If the encounter didn't disturb your DW, that is a positive.  Having your SIL provide your DW with outside activities is priceless for both your DW and you.  Your SIL including someone you find intolerable for any reason is definitely inconsiderate.  Hopefully, it won't happen again because Ms. Crude (persona non grata) will have had her curiosity satisfied with one outing.

Meanwhile, treasure your Tuesdays!

Crushed

I note you said

Now, this woman has been persona non grata around me for over a year because of her very high strung and often insensitive comments and behavior. 

I did not read where you said "and I told my sister in law clearly never to let my wife near her " 
 If you did not, may I gently and with all consideration suggest some very deep introspection about who and what you feel entitled to control without positive action on your part? 

 
My judge clerked on the Supreme Court for Justice Stone .  One day the Chief Justice sent his Justice Stone a note to hurry up to the meeting.  Justice Stone sent a note "Mr Justice Stone wishes to remind the Chief Justice that he does not work for the Chief Justice"    

Cynbar

I would politely tell your SIL to please not do this again, and then let it go. In reading your post, I was struck how many of us, myself included, don't even see our LO's family, much less get any regular help from them. It's hard for me to even grasp that she plans an outing for your wife every Tuesday! My in-laws are nowhere to be found now that DH is no fun to be around. Please don't do anything to cause hard feelings and jeopardize that, it is so important for both you and your wife. I can't imagine she had any ill intent. Hopefully your SIL will take a gentle request to heart, and not invite the offensive woman again.

harshedbuzz

satchbee wrote:

I'm lucky that my wife's sister takes her out every Tuesday for fun of one sort or another. So, today, her sister sets up a lunch and then a visit to some family members. Fine.

Fine? Sir, your SIL is a unicorn. I have heard such creatures described, but never met one personally. My uncle took my dad out for lunch exactly one time around stage 5-ish. He returned him less than 2 hours later and never repeated the exercise. We had to be satisfied with the monthly drive-by.

When they returned here, Wanda's sister let me know she had invited an old teacher friend for lunch, too. Now, this woman has been persona non grata around me for over a year because of her very high strung and often insensitive comments and behavior.

You pretty much described my dad's behavior in stage 5-6. I wonder if this old friend has had a cognitive shift of her own and should be extended some grace around behavior. Dad's loss of social filter was evident to those who didn't know him well long before his memory issues were.

I have no idea why her sister arranged this lunch without asking me first. But, it feels like a betrayal. Is it? Her sister must have known I would disapprove...I just feel so let down. Should I say something?

You are entitled to your feelings on this and I am sorry for the pain and frustration it is causing you. But I can't imagine that a person who provides you with weekly respite would have concocted a plan to betray you in such a manner. At worst, her action might have been thoughtless.

HB

Rescue mom

No new advice, just a second to what others have said. 

And, what HBuzz wrote is very close to something that happened with us. A close friend said for months he wanted to take DH (maybe early stage 6) out for lunch, see some sights, etc. When he actually did, it lasted about 90 minutes. He brought DH home, never offered again. He does stop by every couple months.

Anybody who spends regular time with a midstage dementia patient is a treasure. I’d bend over backwards and do somersaults for it to continue.

JJ401

I have a friend who has had a series of strokes. She understands what is said, but can only vocalize the word “no”, in various tones, and is physically unable to use any type of communication board. Visiting her by yourself is extremely hard, and I tend to go only when someone is available to go with me. It is hard to carry a conversation by yourself, and having another person there is very helpful. I think my friend gets a better visit when there are two of us there. 

Your wife is stage 6. Your sister may have invited the friend for the same reason we visit my friend in pairs. It just works better. You don’t feel like you are conversing with yourself. Or in the case of the sister, there is someone to supervise your wife if the sister needs to use the facilities. Unless your wife comes home upset from the visit, I’d let it go. If you try to exert total control of the visits, they might end. 

1962ART

I just want to say what a caring, involved group we have.  Such lovely suggestions and thoughts.  

When my diabetic children were little, I couldn't even imagine anyone else besides me caring for them.  Along came Diabetic Children's Camp and I could hardly tear myself away to leave  them.  Then, along comes a counselor at just the right time with an armload of proper afternoon snacks and it was "Everybody out of the pool."  I knew I could leave them to enjoy themselves for a week in good hands.

I assume your SIL told you what happened at the girls' luncheon.  Is it possible she was sorry for the event and didn't know how to tell you?  Was she embarrassed she wasn't able to divert the discussion, but didn't know how to do it?  Your SIL is being honest with you; could you give her some tips that would help another time?  (Even learning phrases like, "Sis has a lovely hobby that she is very good at.  What hobbies are you finding in your retirement?")  I am sure she didn't set your DW up for a bad experience.

I know how stupid I feel when I don't come up with correct diversions in social situations.  It's not easy to think on one's feet!

Best of all good things to you and your DW.  You are very smart to reach out for different points of view