Caretaker Yes or No

Bhopper

My DW is late mid stage with a high stroke risk due to CAA in addition to VD. She is active physically and can fool people quite well on her good days ( sometimes even me ). I have used care-helpers at different times over the last 10 months. The most recent issues have come in the mornings before I leave for work @ 6:00 am she get angry and says she does not need or want anyone at the house. I cover it the night before that someone will come at 9:00 and stay until I come for lunch at 1:00. I always prepare lunch before I leave and have it ready for CT to assist with setting her plate up. She to this point with the seroquel that has been increased 3 times as her agitation has increased. My question is do I let her wander at the house while I do have cameras & can see that she is okay I have learned not to talk to her on them if not needed or she will lock in on me and I cant work. Or do I just deal with the upset anger & accusations to be sure she is content most of the day which is the case while the helper is at the house. I Think its more about the acceptance of needing help while trying to make me stay home as well. Any thoughts are appreciated while it is not a financial decision we are not wealthy and trying to be realistic of future care cost as this progresses. I am sorry for the length just need help with trying to make the best wrong decision.

Thank You All & Bless You With Strength Daily 

BH

banpaeng

My $.02.

If you are asking, you most likely need the assistance.  I have been very lucky as I have had the same lady for almost two years.  However it was two months before wife talked to her and about three months to get used to her.  Now when she does not come, she is upset.  Wish you luck on your search on someone honest and dependable.  I went through three folks before I found the current lady.  I have been looking for three months for someone to work weekends with no luck.

David J

BHopper, 

Not going to tell you what to do, but will tell you what I do. I am retired, but still need to get out and do things, so I have someone come in two afternoons each week. It took a while for my wife to get used to the helper, and she sometimes clings to me and doesn’t want me to go. But after I leave, I hear she calms down and “helps” the helper. There seems to be some understanding or acceptance that I need to go out without her. If she gets upset or agitated while I am away, the helper gets her distracted and calmed down. I don’t have cameras set up, mostly because I am there with her most of the time, and when I go out I don’t want to watch, I want a respite. 

Bhopper

Thank You !

You have helped me stick with the decision I felt right with even though she gets upset with me for providing the helper. I do have a very nice well equipped older experienced lady that I would hate to lose and try to replace in the future. They get along when she is at the house she just complains to me about not wanting her there. 

Thank You Again I feel much better!!!

Jo C.

You have the right idea to stick to your plan.  With my Loved One (LO), I had to introduce the person as a "friend."   My LO was initially never going to accept that lovely person, and she angrily railed and railed against it; mad as a wet hen so to speak.

I did try to introduce different dynamics once she was acquainted with the carer.   I had the aide take her for sort outings; we had simple crafts they could do together; I even arranged for them to go out to lunch (me paying) as it was still possible to do so for awhile.  We even at first had the aide take  my LO to the beauty shop for haircuts, but eventually found a hair stylist who would make home visits.  I got some small containers, potting mix and little flowering plants and my LO and the aide planted some flowers together and then cared for them.

I also had laid in a supply of magazines they could look at together; and also had photo albums out so they could look at them together too.  Special TV programs were recorded and the aide and my LO could watch them together.

I arranged to have goodies in the house so they could have their afternoon "tea and sweet."

Little by little, things came together.  It took a couple months or so, but ended up that my LO not only accepted the person, but got to love her and looked forward to her being there.  Having a good fit is the best approach; perhaps you could speak to the aide to see what you could plan for your wife to kind of refocus her on some positives as time moves forward.  It may take a little time.

I send best wishes; never lose a good caregiver; in fact, I gave ours little gifts at intervals to say "thank you;" little certificates for a coffee shop, or restaurant, or a box of candy, etc.  Sometimes I would send thank you cards.  Everyone wants to be appreciated and that also helps the relationship.  Hiring someone is one thing; keeping them is another.  That always was a bit scary for me. Fortunately, we had a very good person who was loyal and dedicated; she understood and stayed through the troubled adaptation period which was as said, a couple of months.. 

Best, best wishes for it all to eventually work out,

J.

Jeff86

Keeping your DW safe is priority 1.  If you are fortunate enough to have a very good aide/care-helper, that is invaluable.

My DW, like yours, has a CAA diagnosis in addition to AD.  I am not able to leave her alone for any length of time.  Like you, I’m still working.  The only way that’s feasible for me is to have an aide be with my DW when I’m working.  

The need for help will only increase with time.  If you have good support, count your blessings and do everything you can to sustain it!

Bhopper

Thank You 

once the CG gets to the house DW settles right in but once again this morning I am the guy that does not care about her why am I making her have this person at the house ! I wanted to sleep in now I have to have make up and get dressed ( I got her dressed this morning already). I know its the right thing for all the reasons above as well as those mentioned in the threads. The calls will come for the first hour she will actually sneak to the bathroom and call me to let me know how unhappy she is with me. BTW on a separate note teaching her to use seri to call is a blessing and a curse. We have cameras and I can see her talking and laughing but when she talks to me she is angry and upset. 

Thanks for sharing and listening

BH

abc123

Dear B, have you tried telling her the care person is actually there to help you for whatever reason she will buy into? Or that the lady is desperately in need of a job so you and DW are helping her? I’m sorry you have to start you day with DW being angry with you. This disease sucks. Good luck!