Any advice about managing catastrophic reactions?

M1

At least I recognize this for what it is, but I'm not sure what to do about it.  Triggered yesterday by yet another confrontation about driving.  Got pretty heated.  The adrenaline helps her focus, so I got pretty detailed about why she shouldn't, including that it's in her medical record.  The risk of getting sued, the risk of hurting another person or animal (she always responds to animals).   She quieted down last evening, but this morning woke up saying she doesn't want to live, she's sorry she's making my life miserable, she doesn't want to see anyone, wants to cancel visits from friends next week.  Nothing I say seems to help.  Won't be diverted, and I need to work today, so I can't spend a lot of time on it today.

Should I just ride it out and see what happens?  Any strategies that have worked for you?

Rescue mom

No advice, just lots of sympathy. And you remind me that  I’m “lucky” because my DH would/will forget about such incidents in a few hours, or less if he has a nap or diversion. Hopefully some more time will help with your DW.

JDancer

When my LO overreacts, he will storm around and say crazy things about finding somewhere else to live, etc. If I disengage, he will walk away, mumbling. When he re appears, all is forgotten. It's the only time I'm thankful for his memory loss.

CStrope

A week ago we found out that our 2013 Terrain needed major work.  Rather than throw money at something that wasn't going to last much longer, I decided we needed a new vehicle.  I pulled the salesman aside and filled him in on my DH's situation.  Also had him put it in my name only.  It has a push button start and all the new screens, etc that cars come with.  DH has no idea how to start it, so in a round about way I solved the problem of him wanting to drive!!

piozam13

When DH decided to give up driving, I gave it up too. Not easy, not convenient, didn't eliminate the problem.  But I think we had less tensions.

When I told PCP that DH was saying, 'I want to die', he increased dose of his meds and this  seemed effective for several months.

terei

Maybe there’s too much talking, too much explaining.    When she starts in, I would just nod + say things like ‘the doctor says you cant drive + I know its upsetting, but it is what it is’.  Let her rant, but say no more

If she says she wants to cancel visits, say you will take care of it.  Dont cancel of course, assume she will forget or change her mind in a few days. When the day comes to visit + if she says she wanted to cancel, apologize + say you forgot to follow though.  

Explanations are useless.  Use verbal workarounds + agreement.  More than a few words are probably going over her head.

LadyTexan

Ditto what terei said.

Jo C.

This is quite a challenge and I am so sorry; it can certainly sometimes be overwhelming and exhausting..  In our situation, I found that structure and routine to the day was very important.  Validating feelings without overdoing the verbiage was also helpful.  Not arguing was important as that only made things worse; the explanations and rationales were not processed logically nor reasonably anyway.  Sometimes I just had to walk away from the angry behavior and try to give it a few minutes and get my LO refocused.  It is hard.

Sometimes I could use distraction to stop the broken record stuck on one upset.  Getting the mind onto something else, if possible, was sometimes the answer.

Occasionally there were triggers for the reaction, and I had to learn to recognize the few that existed  My LO wanted her way and wanted it yesterday; she did not like to be thwarted in any way..  I also had to learn the hard way not to use logic and long explanations - that just ramped up the upset.  

As for driving, ask the doctor to write a prescription that states, "No more driving a motor vehicle," you can even report her or have her reported to DMV by the doctor so that her license will be revoked.  Anger at that sure; but in the long run, it will be an easy reason to use.  If you report her, you can request that you remain anonymous.

Here is a link to helpful input re catastrophic reactions in persons with dementia:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/alzheimers-and-catastrophic-reactions-97606

Also remember to check for those silent UTIs, and to find ways for her to be refocused on other things.  Since it is spring, does she like to and is she able to plant things?  Outside in the garden, or perhaps with some pots, potting soil and flowering plants?  Then she could take care of them at her own speed. Sometimes my LO seemed to need a purpose as a refocus and it could be used as a distraction at times. 

Let us know how it is going, and how you are doing,

J.

Jeff86

I am sorry for what you are going through, M1.

With AD, less is more.  The more fully you try to explain, logically, about why driving is in the past, the less successful you’ll be.  

I’m with Terei and LT.  Say less, say yes, and proceed as you otherwise would.

JJAz

Lots of good advice here.  With my DH, I would try to tap into the emotion that he was feeling, and tell him (and show him with hugs and hand holding) that "we're in this together; aren't we lucky that we have each other; I'm glad that I can help you because you've always been there for me; etc., etc., etc."  Getting him to feel like we were a team and I was on his side made a big difference.  Acknowledging the feelings that he had always made a big difference in the situation.

John1965

We went through this a couple of years ago. It has gotten better. The thing that helped most was her neurologist starting her on Lexapro, an anti-depressant. ... So sorry you have to go through this.

abc123

My Dad uses a lot of the techniques that JJAz mentioned. It makes Mom feel like she is still important. M1, I’m sorry things are tough right now. You have gotten some good feedback. I hope it will help. Please keep us posted. Just so you know, I appreciate all of your post and many times you have helped me. Thank you.

M1

Thanks to all of you who have replied. Sure enough, she forgot the whole thing by later that afternoon, but we'll see what happens the next time driving comes up. Wish I could ditch the truck, but you can't run a farm without a beater truck.

At least now I know we're in the catastrophic reaction phase.....everything sliding slowly downhill. Her language abilities are really slipping. We have a big iron "key" that turns on a drainage valve in the pond, and when we needed it the other day she went looking for a car key. Things that she used to know....