Lesson Learned

KatieKat1

Was taking DH out for a ride yesterday.  As usual, took some time to get him into vehicle.  Before going through the process of securing him with seat belt, etc., I placed my keys, purse, cell phone on the driver's seat not realizing I closed the door of the vehicle.  I went to the passenger side to check on DH to ensure he was settled and closed his door.  As I was going back to my driver's side I heard a click of the door and found my DH locked me out of the vehicle.  Of course he likes to play with the door locks but this time he had no idea how to unlock the door.  After 20 minutes trying to talk to him through the glass on his side I gave up and had to call auto club to unlock the vehicle doors....and said it could be an hour or more (since it was 5:00 rush hour) to get someone to our home...even after I told them a senior citizen with alzheimer was locked in vehicle.  There was no way I was going to let husband stay locked in vehicle in 85 degree weather for any longer even if I had to call the police or break a vehicle window. Luckily, I gave DH a container of water and a cookie once I had him settled before he locked the doors...and also vehicle was still in garage with garage door open so it was not as hot like it would be outdoors in the sun....very thankful for that. 

All my house keys, truck keys, etc., Were inside the locked vehicle.  I did have a spare house key with a neighbor.  I was able to get in house rummaging through things to find a spare vehicle key....and I had tears in my eyes when I located it.  So many things have had to be moved, removed or hidden in home due to DH getting into everything that would not even had mattered before this Alzheimer. 

I was not only mad at myself for thinking of putting my things in vehicle and closing door but frustrated that at any other time DH would have no problem finding the door locks that he enjoyed hearing the click click sound.

I had our daughter get duplicate keys and also have spare truck key hidden on outside of vehicle.

It was a totally trying day for me.. plus DH fell twice after that incident.  Thankfully for now we are back to what is another day of who knows what is next for us.  Lesson learned... I will never leave any keys or purse in vehicle again as long as DH is inside and have spares hidden outdoors and with our daughter. 

Ginsamae

I am delighted that what could have been a really bad situation turned out well. I think all of us on this caretaking journey could post lessons we've learned the hard way.

abc123

Katie, I’m sorry that happened to you both! It could have happened to any of us. 

How often do you take DH for a ride? I’m curious because getting my LO ready and in the car takes all the fun out of going anyplace. I discovered this morning that she no longer remembers how to get in the car. It took Dad and me about 20 minutes to get her in her seat. We are all pooped out now!  I hope you have a better day today!

CaringMate

Katie...my heart goes out to you as this same situation happened to me with one exception.  My partner was angry with me that I wouldn't let him drive and after I got him in the car and settled, he purposely locked the door to prevent me from getting in.  My purse, keys and phone were also on the driver's side and I was locked out of the car and the house.  I tried to negotiate with him, tried to offer an incentive and everything I knew to do and he wouldn't budge.  He had FTD so in his best moments he was difficult beyond belief, but on that particular day, I also learned a very important lesson.  Ultimately I was able to get a neighbor to come over and talk him into opening the door but at a cost.  He was sweaty and in physical distress, but his FTD and anger had taken over and it took me almost 4 hours to get him comfortable, safe and back in the house.  The challenges that come with caring for a loved one with dementia exceed most of our abilities to cope.  We can't anticipate what is unimaginable in a healthy mind so we can only do the best we can and learn as we go.  I lost my guy in 2018, but I relive those challenges daily and realize in retrospect that no matter how we try and no matter how we give, they are always a step ahead.  I am so glad to know that your issue was resolved and appreciate your writing to let others know how easily a situation like this can happen.  You can never let your guard down with a dementia patient.

mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you so much for sharing!

KatieKat1

abc123: In response to your question on how often I take husband out in vehicle I can say "rarely" and it is often unpleasant since he feels restrained.  I have to be sure he is in the right mood and it is usually a short ride... Like to our daughter's home to have the grand kids come out to our vehicle for a short visit.  What has helped are some steps I found on Amazon that help him get in vehicle.  I also have a cover that goes over the snap lock on seat belt so that only I can open it with an object like the truck key.  His seat belt is locked in place and I usually put something in his hands to occupy him.  He would like to escape and that in itself is not easy on the driver...as many on this web site know.

It still takes 20 minutes to get him into truck and another 20 to get him out of it. We have not been to doctor this year and at some point I have to get him in vehicle again for a physical. The whole procedure is timely and he is not always cooperatve.  The other issue is we don't visit because we never know when he needs a Depends change....and that is a real issue when you are on the road.  I guess it is easier to stay home.

KatieKat1

CaringMate:. First I want to say I am sorry you lost your mate.  It is sad and I know as my DH is progressing it will be a bitter- sweet time since we have been married 43 years and we had a good life together but this disease takes it toll and is so sad.  I never thought or knew of Alzheimer's until my husband started having cognitive issues and then the PAA.   It has been 4 years so far in caring for him and some days I think he hasn't much more time and then there are days he does fairly well.  Such an emotional rollercoaster.

I say my husband has Alzheimer but he actually has  what the neurologist says is the death of brain cells that affect DH left side brain that has caused Primary Aggressive Aphasia, loss of memory, can no longer do everything for himself , etc.  He is on seroquel and that has been good for calming his aggressiveness and anger.  Who knows... He may purposely locked the vehicle door on me because he can do things like this in various ways if he does not like something or a situation.  Who really knows what goes on in their minds... Every day is a challenge in some way with caregiving.

ButterflyWings

KatieKat, I'm so sorry you went through this, but glad it worked out without worse catastrophe.

I could so easily see myself doing that. Well, I guess we did actually. Just last week, DH locked the door by accident (why, I don't know - I think he was trying to roll down the window) after I helped him get in the car. And he could NOT follow my instructions and pointing to get it open. I had to go back in the house to retrieve the other key fob which, just luckily I could find. Yep, exactly as you say...I have had to move, hide, confiscate so many things due to DH's rummaging and pitching things out, that its a miracle I even found it.

The other thing is, I had just recently decided not to leave him in the car with it running, because I had been doing that with (air-conditioner or heat and radio keeping him happy) for a year+ with no worries...last month made a quick stop at the pharmacy for prescription pickup inside, since the drive through lines were backed up with COVID testers. I came out in <5 minutes and...parking space was empty!!!

For a split second I imagined he had managed to drive away without me (had not driven in 2+ years and never tried to do so). I was fearing the worst, but like often, I was just in a twilight zone mode talking to myself, observing and waiting so see what really was about to unfold. Then I walked past a big van and could see he had just climbed into the drivers' seat and moved the car up one row. (why?) Its a real miracle he didn't run over someone or sideswipe a car. No drivers license, and...it was just wildly unbelievable. I asked him why and he said he had to since a car was behind him (no...I had backed up to a fence in the pharmacy parking lot). I just said "oh" but made a mental note I wouldn't be doing that again. Sooo...for the minute or so locked in last week, the car was off. In the shade, but no air conditioning and no key in the ignition.

I am so glad you posted about the seatbelt lock. I'll be ordering one today, for when I'm driving, as he too gets antsy and of course wouldn't have trouble unlocking the door to exit when I least expect it I'll bet. That's the way this wacky disease works. Thank you for sharing.

KatieKat1

Butterflywings... some days it seems everything goes wrong with this disease.   I need to focus more on what I an doing because with my husband always confused and needing constant attention, I sometimes get too focused on him and I myself become absentminded. 

There was a time I could leave husband alone for a short time if I had to run into store but those days are long over.  He will wrestle with seatbelt and somehow gets tangled in it, and I was always worried he would lean over and start beeping horn that would surely attract attention and possibly concern from others.

Thankfully he could not reach over far enough to grab keys and was firmly secured in seatbelt.   It would have been scary to have him start the vehicle, and he would love to do that if he could remember how.  He is not allowed to drive and I keep garage locked so he cannot get into vehicle.  Keep my keys on me or hidden at all times.  

Sometimes I feel like I am in a game to be one or more steps ahead of him...mentally exhausting.