Moving(1)

Savta

I am new to this site and it is usually not in my nature to seek out help as I am a strong person who handles it all but I really need at this time some direction and advise from people who have done this before me.

My DH was diagnosed 4 years ago with CBD (corticobasal degeneration). At the beginning of the pandemic I was able to convince him to close his place of work and blame it on the virus since all business were mandated to close. For me that made it much less of a fight because he is not aware of his diagnosis and therefore thinks all is good.

I am getting ready to quit my job as well. Currently we live 50 minutes to an hour away from our family. I decided that we need to relocate closer. Most of our friends have also moved to this area as well. I took him twice to see a house that would work well for us. He was very resistant. I understand that with limited comprehension this is probably very overwhelming. The second time we went when we arrived home he got extremely agitated and was trying to leave the house. I needed to have our daughter talk him down by phone.

This move needs to happen because I need the support to be near family. I also believe that having friends and family close by will be better stimulation for him as well.

SO here is the question. Am I doing the right thing and how do I make it easier for him?

Many family members said not to discuss it to closer to the time since the house will only be available in September. BUT what happens then when I tell him I bought it and we need to move.

Anyone with advise or possibly experience with moving that can help would be greatly appreciated!

harshedbuzz

Savta wrote:

SO here is the question. Am I doing the right thing

Yes. Anything that makes it easier for you to hold up under the task of caregiving is the right thing to do. 

I moved my parents out of their summer and winter digs back to where they raised me when dad was diagnosed- first to an apartment and then a few months later into a home. My mother was loath to give up her winters in Florida, but she nearly died with dad as her only safety net the winter before when she became ill and he wasn't capable of recognizing how sick she was or advocating for her care. 

We are a small family, but mom did benefit from having my people in her life in terms of keeping her from becoming completely isolated. I hope your experience with friends is better than ours was. They did go out to dinner once early on with a couple who were old friends; the wife also had dementia. Dad's brother did a monthly 30 minute drive-by on his way home from golf. None of his former golf buddies or people with whom he worked showed up until his funeral.

and how do I make it easier for him?

Some things that worked for me-

We did the initial move to the apartment while he was in rehab after a hospitalization where he was diagnosed and the focused on dealing with their houses. He was not consulted or involved in any way. He wasn't happy about being moved, but he was beyond being able to make decisions with consequences that impact others. 

I brought up some of the furniture from their "home" and we set it up to feel somewhat familiar to him. He did eventually settle somewhat but missed being a homeowner so when their summer place sold, I found a nice house in a 55+ community where all the exterior stuff is included in the HOA fees. My mother was still in a place where she wanted to consult and discuss, so she went through the motions of touring that house with him after the offer was accepted. I looped my uncle in as dad would do whatever his brother thought. Not long after he moved in he bragged that he'd chosen the house and not long after that he believed it was in Florida. I'll take that as a win. 

After he'd toured, we didn't discuss the move at all. I put them up in a very nice hotel the weekend of the move while my niece, son and I oversaw the move of the remaining furniture from the summer place, the furniture from the apartment and set the new house up to be completely unpacked and livable which took about 3 days. Dad enjoyed the hotel so much he wanted to live there. 

We didn't tell him about selling the place in Florida. The first year we rented it during the winter season while it was listed for sale. Again, I went down and managed the actually packing of personal items and the legal paperwork using a POA which allowed my mother to concentrate on dad. I filled a PODS and had mom's roadster shipped north. 

Many family members said not to discuss it to closer to the time since the house will only be available in September. BUT what happens then when I tell him I bought it and we need to move.

In your shoes, I would not discuss. It'll only make the process more of a challenge for you. Do you have someone you could deputize to manage the move while you distract your husband at an hotel? Perhaps you could create a fiblet along the lines of termites or a bad sewer line to get him to move out. Then stage and sell the house once you're out of there. 

At that distance, you may also be needing to line up a new medical care team. I would start on that asap. Gathering records from 3 states and finding new specialists was a fulltime job for a time. 

Anyone with advise or possibly experience with moving that can help would be greatly appreciated!

Savta

Thank you for your kindness shown and some great advice.

Having one of our kids take him to a hotel and enjoy themselves will lower the anxiety and make the move go smoother.

I did notice like you kind of hinted to that a lot of our lifetime have "flown the coop" but I thank g-d everyday that we have a great family support system. I believe more so for me than him because I seem to be his only support system he really wants.

I appreciate you answering me and giving me the confidence to move forward.

All the best you and your family!