Losing my best friend and afraid

Ellen61

My husband has not been diagnosed but is having symptoms of memory loss, confusion, rage, and intense paranoia. He has limited insight and believes I am his enemy most of the time. He has made physical, financial, and divorce threats. He is a moving target, and other times he is rational and apologetic. He was a Division 1 hockey player in college, so I am not sure if this could be Alzheimer’s, another dementia, or CTE. 

My husband is still working and can be perceived as rational by others. We have seen a therapist in the past to deal with his anger, and she agrees that he has had cognitive changes and that he cannot be reasoned with much of the time. He fired her a few weeks ago, and he has a new therapist. He claims this therapist is validating his beliefs about me.  He thinks I am taking advantage of him financially, so I am now paying the mortgage, household bills, credit card bills, etc. on my own since he refuses to pay. He is saving all his money and is making threats to ruin me financially.  He doesn’t remember many of the threats and thinks I am cray instead of him  

This is a complete personality change. We had a good marriage for 21 years before this started. I finally had to change the locks to the house due to threats of violence against me and others.  At first I wanted to take care of him and support him due to the memory loss. But now I have no idea what to do to protect myself or him. 

Some mild confusion and memory loss have been evident for a while. However, the intense paranoia started in September an accelerated about 6 weeks ago. The loss of his love and emotional support has been devastating to me. I am grieving and in a lot of emotional pain as well as dealing with all these financial and logistical challenges. It is hard for others to understand what I am going through. I feel so alone and scared. 

Cynbar

Oh my goodness, this does sound like a difficult situation. I have to say, many of the symptoms you describe sound like dementia, but there are other possibilities too including some medical issues that are treatable. He needs to see his doctor and start the testing process, but he probably thinks he is fine and doesn't need a doctor (this is also frequently seen in dementia.) Some posters here have gotten their LOs to the doctor under a ruse, such as the insurance requires a check-up. The doctor's office may or may not talk to you but they can listen and take information in -- call or better yet write and give them a list of what you are seeing , they may call him and request he come in (they should keep your input confidential if you ask.) But in addition, you need to see a lawyer, and pronto. Look for a certified elder law attorney, although you don't say how old you are. Don't rely on friends' advice. you need an attorney who knows the laws in your state and who can protect your interests. Good luck and come here often, you'll find a lot of support and advice, among us we've seen just about everything !

Stuck in the middle

I think your life is in danger and you need to get out ASAP.  Call a family violence center for advice on how to do it, call the police if that's what it takes to get out safely.  Call a family law attorney Monday to protect yourself from the financial ruin he threatens.  

Sorry you have this trouble. I've lost my best friend too, but I'm not afraid of her.

Nowhere

So sorry this is happening to you and your husband. Make an appt with his medical doctor today. Journal his past threat and behaviors, and continue to do this moving forward. Share what’s happening with his doctor, by slipping a note to the receptionist beforehand if you can’t speak to the doctor freely during his appointment.  If he’s threatening to harm you, you can call 911 in real-time and tell the responders you do not feel safe. They will take him to the ER where you can request he be placed on a psych-hold where they will be required to evaluate him for proper medication. Do not agree to bring him home if you believe he could be violent. If the two of you do not have POA assigned, a trust in place, and advance directives, hire an elder attorney ASAP and get these document in order. Be proactive. You’ll be better empowered against the forces of dementia. 

M1

Welcome to the forum Ellen. I agree with Nowhere and Stuck, this is very dangerous for you and I am so sorry. I think your suspicions about CTE are well founded though it may be moot.

I agree you need an exit plan but do NOT discuss it with him. If you look at domestic violence websites etc., the best advice is to leave without notice, violence escalates with threats to leave.

Please be careful and keep us posted, there are many here to support you any way we can.

JDancer

It is not hard for those of us on this forum to understand what you are going through. Each situation is different, but many of us have seen similar behaviors. We are here to support you and offer advise when we can.

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ButterflyWings

Dear (((Ellen))) Sending you a big (hug)!

I am a survivor of domestic violence from decades ago. I still remember. All of it. The great thing is, I am still here. That has not been part of my life for many, many years. Yes, dementia does cause us to lose our loved ones. It is inevitable. The rage and violent threats are not. Don't risk losing your life during this dangerous phase before your DH gets help.

Here is  a great list posted previously by one of our forum mates, LadyTexan just for situations like you are facing. It helped her navigate to better and safer times with her DH. She has shared that she's a little under the weather this weekend but will likely chime in once she's bounced back. Please check out the link below for the things she suggests you do urgently to protect yourself immediately.

I know this is so hard with everything you are dealing with. This disease is horrible and changes our LOs into someone we never imagined and that most of them, themselves, would never want to be. ***Please prioritize your safety as all the prior comments have said. Let us now how you are. We are here for you! 

  Safety Suggestions if your LO is agressive