Suggestions/help with things to occupy DH

Sadlady

My DH has NOTHING to occupy him. He shadows me constantly. He is driving me nuts!

His only hobbies prior to his diagnosis were reading and going to the gym. He can no longer work out, and cannot cognitively follow anything requiring reading. He's no longer interested in news or any TV programs, sports, gardening activities  unless I am right beside him. I've tried cards, puzzles, music, to no avail.

Any suggestions?

M1

Hi Sadlady. Shadowing is so smothering. Would you consider a day program? Or is hiring a companion a possibility? It would at least give him someone else to shadow possibly. Just ideas, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

White Crane

Dear Sadlady,  I know this is hard for you.  And I wish I had some good ideas to occupy him.  What I can offer is understanding and support.  You aren't alone.

LadyTexan

Greetings SadLady.

I am so sorry. DH shadows me occasionally, and it makes me claustrophobic. 

DH can't read anymore. He is not interested in puzzles or games.

I am very blessed that DH watches the news/opinion programs during the week. He also listens to music on Alexa. Alexa has been fantastic for him. He can request music by any artist. Although sometimes his speech is too slow, garbled or hesitant for her to follow. 

DH doesn't want to go on walks anymore. He can no longer do yard work. Although he did want to use the loppers to clean up some bramble last week, I only allowed that under intense supervision.

I have read about giving the PWD a task such as matching socks. I have not done this yet. I am holding onto a ton of socks for just this purpose. If I ever try it I'll let you know how it goes.

Again, I am sorry for what you are experiencing. Hang in there and Take Care.

60 falcon

Yep, I know exactly what you are going through.  I wish I had some ideas to help you but I don't.  My wife has been shadowing me relentless for roughly three years now.  The only thing she enjoys is when I take her for rides in the car and listening to music.  She won't even sleep or nap unless I'm laying there with her. The only alone time I have is if I go into the bathroom and lock the door. Even then she's just outside the door and often trying to get in.  

This behavior is so incredibly annoying.  The only thing I haven't tried is hiring help.  Hang in there.

banpaeng

Ms Sadlady  I understand but must say this.  Wife won't be still over 20 to 30 minutes at a time.  If she is not shadowing me, I have to shadow her to fix what she screws up.  This morning she was overseeing me making our breakfast (she could not do it if she tried).  She then said I will wash dishes and I tried to talk her out of it but she didn't listen.  As usual she does not use soap.

However while I was rewashing everything she goes outside and decides to wash the shovel.  She did use soap.  I think WTH.  Does no use to ask about it as she would just say, I did not use soap on the shovel

I just have to grin and go on.  One day I will not be able to grin and go on.

harshedbuzz

Sadlady-

This is hard stuff. 

We went through this with dad although his version of shadowing was to lay on the couch and constantly call my mother in from whatever she was doing which she found incredibly stressful because she was trying to do all of the tasks associated with running the household. 

He could "read" in that his decoding skills were intact, but he couldn't recall what he'd read, so that wasn't something he would do for more than a minute or so. Sometimes he would watch the auto auction channel or nature shows for a bit. He didn't particularly get into music and didn't have much in the way of hobbies pre-diagnosis.

He refused to participate in any activities he deemed "womens work" and beneath his dignity. Getting him up and out of the house was beyond challenging which meant a day program was off the table. Hiring HHAs was the solution to getting my mom a little space to clear her head. 

HB

ButterflyWings

Dear Sadlady,

I am posting some links below that I have only skimmed...have not read the lists. But it seemed like this might help you and many of us, if we find at least 2 or 3 things to help occupy our LOs. One thing I noticed right away, even though you asked (and I googled) "things to occupy someone with dementia", most of the time it isn't things they do alone. So, to keep my DH focused and busy for example, still requires me or someone else to monitor/interact/lead the activity or at least be engaged every so often. So, it may not be that different from shadowing in that you can't focus on your own activity necessarily. =|

My LO is self-motivated and independent by nature, but he can't really do things anymore. He will "read" the same paper, Readers Digest or other magazine, or random reports (even sat in the dark once "reading" a few months ago. Almost made me cry to see that). Or he will stay in bed for hours, napping. But there also is a bit of what harshedbuzz described...at meals I cook then fix our plates and he interrupts me as soon as I sit down, for bread, then a napkin, or whatever. That happens whether I'm giving him his lunch to keep him occupied during an important task I must do, or even when I'm trying to socialize with him only. 

DH doesn't shadow me but like banpaeng said, it isn't all that great either when DH tries to do his own independent thing (causing problems for me to repair or clean up). If he's out of sight, that's a problem unless he's toileting. He either Zoom-bombs my meetings, or disappears into his room or another part of the house which is not good as he rummages, writes on important documents or books, spreads stuff all over (loses and makes extra work for me to sort out and re-file) or packs up a bag of random things to "go". Then, its an hour or 2 of redirecting his exit-seeking plans which is every single day. Exhausting. 

So, our pattern is the opposite of shadowing but just as frustrating. I think at this stage 6-6.5, my DH has to have companion care or I will either go nuts or lose my new job. Neither of those outcomes is an option, so I am searching for home help as we speak. He is resistant to dressing or leaving on a schedule, so day programs are out (and some in my area are still on COVID hiatus).

I hope something here helps:

13 stimulating dementia activities - SuperCarers

 

10 Fun, No-Fail Activities for People with Dementia – DailyCaring

 

Helpful Daily Activities for Dementia Patients: 50 Expert Tips and Suggestions to Keep Your Loved One Engaged

 

https://homecareassistance.com/blog/fun-activities-for-people-living-with-dementia

 

https://adventuresofacaregiver.com/75-stimulating-activities-for-alzheimers-dementia-patients/

 

David J

Hello Sadlady. The shadowing is a constant, and it’s annoying, and we all have to live with it somehow.  Like all of my wife’s behaviors, this one will eventually go away, but I’m afraid of what behavior will come next. 

I have used therapy rides in the car, which generally calms her down. It used to work a lot better, but it is still one activity that stops the pacing and shadowing.  She gets nervous and scared when she doesn’t recognize her surroundings, which is most of the time  if she sees a house that is familiar, she will relax.  It helps to have a destination that I can repeat to her in a running commentary: “Now we're going to the dry cleaner to pick up tour sweater, now we’re going to the grocery store, we’re just stopping at the gas station,” etc.  I always have at least one place to go in case she needs to take a ride.

My wife was a reader too. Really heavy non-fiction, history and biographies. Now she reads road sign incorrectly and with no comprehension and looks at the newspaper upside down.  She gets bored if I try to read, because I am not entertaining her.

She can no longer help fold laundry, though she is really good at unfolding and moving it around.  That keeps both of us occupied!

So I’m not sure I was much help, other than commiserating.  Let us know if you find anything that works.  

tcrosse

It's a comfort, but not a big one, to learn that DW's behavior is typical. She paces, she puts things away in unlikely places, she likes to shadow me, she likes to putter around in the kitchen often with disastrous results.

Bhopper

Boy do I understand and feel for your situation when my DW begins the behavior sometimes I can get the broom and she will do the same it sometimes will keep her busy for 20-30 minutes up to an hour especially outdoors works well. Hope it helps some. This site has saved my mental health along with physical because I am reminded we are not alone!

CStrope

My husband also had 2 hobbies, working out and reading.  He still does a bit of exercising at home with light dumbbells, and he says he reads, but I know there's little comprehension.  He was never one to do puzzles, but on his doctor's recommendation he started doing word searches.  I buy him the extra large print books. He works on them for hours....even though he finds very few of the words.  But even though he continues to work on them because the doctor said so.!!

Jeff86

Sadlady, 

It appears many of us are in the same boat.  My DW was an avid reader and crossword puzzler, but those activities are, alas, long in the past.  Her stamina is much diminished, so going for a walk ends in a nanosecond.  She cannot follow the plot of a movie or a TV show.

And on and on.  It is a challenge to entertain her or stimulate her mind.  One thing she seems to still enjoy is dining out, so we have done some outdoor restaurant dining....though that only fills so much time.

I am sorry you are struggling with this issue, and the shadowing—my DW always wants to be with me, too.  So, boatloads of sympathy but alas I’m short on suggestions.

nancyj194

I can relate to so many things said on here. My DH does not shadow me, but does watch me eating, most every bite and copies me. I have learned to let that habit go, mostly. 

I have a puzzle table set up in the living room and most days he sits down to work on it.  That takes up some of his time during the day.

As far as watching TV shows, he really has very little clue as to what is going on. I will leave the room for a few minutes and come back, asking what happened. He does not know. 

We have been watching Little House on the Prairie this spring.  Peacock has the entire series on, so we started from the beginning.  I will discuss what happened and he comments. TV shows and movie with a several plots do not go well. He will comment that nothing much is going on, so I go about finding something else to watch. 

He does enjoy Hallmark movies to go.  He repeats a lot of what is being said, which I can mostly ignore. At least he is watching and enjoying the show.  

At this point he is OCD with cleaning what is in the kitchen sink. He will NOT load anything into an empty dishwasher, ever. He will wash it by hand, which entails not using soap, so I have to watch the silverware and coffee cups. 

Hang in there everyone.

Crushed

This sounds stupid but it worked  while I worked I would  have her sort decks of cards into suits so we could see what cards might be missing . It was fascinating and depressing to what her lose the capabiltiy

Rescue mom

My DH with Alzheimer’s was never a puzzle person, not words nor jigsaw, that was no help. And he couldn’t read.

Sorting things worked for a long while. The best thing for him was to sort coins. We had many many jars full. When he got near the end, I’d put some back in the jars when he wasn’t around.