Early Anger

mainstreetmarshall

As I've mentioned before, MRI shows my DW has Microvascular Ischemic Disease. What I'm experiencing from her at this point, besides the forgetfulness & minor confusion is a hair trigger anger, usually directed at me. Is this normal? I've tried to get her to go to talk to someone but refuses. She had a very cold childhood, with a mother who was emotionally abusive...and I'm seeing some behavior come out that seems to be a result of this. She's doing to me exactly what her mother did to her, and this has developed in just the last 5 years or so.  Is this anger a normal part of the early on set dementia? Maybe a symptom of stress? The relationship has broken down because I can't approach her about anything for fear of risking an outburst, even routine subjects bring it on.

ElaineD

My husband has always been passive aggressive and driven by anger. 

Fortunately his work consumed him and he had major projects outside or in the garage.

About 5-6 years he became much more angry. bitter and critical.  So sarcastic and he would repeat what ever I had just had in a singsong voice, constantly. Mocking another person is really cruel and of course childish.

I was so unable to deal with his behavior because I had never experienced anything like it until I married him,

I was developing serious health issues and just carried on with my own life and stayed as far away as possible, at night I even found myself on the very edge of our kingsized bed.

I had no idea he was spiraling down into Vascular Dementia.  I just thought he hated being retired and took it out on me.

Then other signs appeared.  In summer 2019 I planned to leave him and move to a Senior Community, but he cried and wanted to go with me (I think he was beginning to realize how alone he would be)  So here he is, still with me.

But just after our move, his anger and sarcasm were almost gone.  Sometimes I see a  'flash' of his old self.  But he mostly apathetic and surely lacking empathy.

I'm so grateful he's calmer.  Oh and he has been taking an antidepressant AND and anti-anxiety medication for at least 15 years....so he's already a bit medicated!

Elaine

mainstreetmarshall

Thanks Elaine, one of your earlier posts sounded exactly like what Ive been experiencing here too.

harshedbuzz

mainstreetm-

I saw something similar with my dad.

He was brought up by a widow who was disinterested in parenthood in the early part of his childhood. She did eventually remarry a warm and affectionate man who saved my dad. His birth-dad's family clearly had some significant mental illness- most notably bipolar, borderline, psychopathy and serious addiction issues. I always felt dad had issues of his own, but through the sheer force of personality, he was mostly able to pass as "normal" because he didn't want to be like those family members. When my own sister died, he went into a spiral of grief and drinking. Within 10 or so years, I started to see real personality changes, even when he was on one of his self-induced dry spells he had lost the ability to keep his darker side under wraps with fewer and fewer people.

Growing up, I was the one who was most aware of how dark he could get; we never really got along. But as his disease progressed, he became very edgy and nasty with my mother which was new to her. With disease progression he became less able to present the facade he wanted.

One thing that helped was not referring to his dementia or ever uttering the words "I told you, don't you remember?". At some point anosognosia set in and he was unable to know how impaired he'd become. Another thing that helped was getting him in to see a geriatric psychiatrist for medication. I doubted he'd go for this, but we posed it as a second opinion to counter what the neurologists said at the memory center and he enjoyed the visits. He did have a tendency to showtime, so I made video clips of dad at his worst to email the doctor ahead of our visits so we didn't have to throw him under the bus during the appointment. 

Medication helped a lot. It enabled us to use redirection and validation effectively to dial back the emotional lability. That said, as the disease progressed, he lost the ability to hold onto his negativity- dad was that rare PWD who got nicer as the disease progressed. I would sat that in the last weeks of his life I could genuinely see the sweet little boys his old aunties swore he'd been.

HB

Cynbar

Anger, short temper, sarcasm, hostility towards me ---- I have seen it all from my DH. It was mostly evident in the early stages of the disease, when we were seeing strange symptoms but weren't yet clear what was going on. But in contrast to many of you, his childhood was pretty much fine ---- a very loving mother and older siblings, a father in the military who was absent for chunks of time, no mental health issues. His diagnosis is Alzheimers and he is now late stage 6, thank goodness the anger and hostility have greatly diminished. Just putting in our two cents as a means of comparison.

CStrope

For several years before diagnosis, the relationship between my DH and myself began deteriorating.  His quit temper and selfish ways were usually directed at me, and made our marriage horrible.  My adult daughter often told me I should leave him.  Then came the diagnosis, and everything made sense, but by that point the damage to our relationship was severe.  Now I have to spend every day making sure everything is just like he needs/wants so that there is as little stress and angry outbursts as possible.

Crushed

With DW what I saw was not a change in personality  but a reduction in inhibition.  Her mild manner could conceal burning hostility towards those who had mistreated her.  (not her parents, think boorish, groping  and sexist behavior by various men)  Early in the disease she would mention these events and I could see anger , but not directed at me.  What she did resent was my "controlling"  behavior.  That took a bit of workaround.  The best idea was usually to "remind" her she had made the decision an hour  ago and I was doing what she said.

for example She was still a fine photographer but would randomly change camera settings. Any problem I said it was the battery .I had the spare batteries so I would change the battery and reset the camera.

 Whatever we were having for dinner I would tell her it was what she had asked for.

On travel I would routinely say "you asked me to find the ladies room , I found it.

I  was always reminded of Helen Mirren in Gosford Park
What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? Its the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant; I'm better than good, I'm the best; I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry, and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired, and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves.  

  

crsandy

How long does the anger stage last? My DH rages frequently, spontaneously, and irrationally. It's getting close to violent - lots of finger pointing but no blows yet. Is this a stage that he'll pass through or is this my future?

M1

Hi crsandy and welcome to the forum. This is an old thread from three years ago—you may get more responses if you start a new discussion.

You should definitely report the anger to his docs and request medication. Unfortunately anger and aggression are pretty frequent and can be huge barriers to care. The SSRI drugs like Celexa/Lexapro and the atypical antipsychotics like Seroquel and Risperdal can be a huge help here. You don't have to put up with it and shouldn't, as there could absolutely be danger to you.

michiganpat

My husband has some type of FTD for 6plus years. The first 2-3 years were the worst. He was so angry and misinterpreted everything I said. He accused me of cheating on him, told me I thought he was stupid (I never did). I blamed it on depression. Then it finally started to ease. He now obsesses over everything especially the news, repeats stories and opinions of his, and will go nowhere but church, saying it's not safe out there. His anger toward me has abated almost completely. I have read that in FTD the first few years are the anger stage. That has proven true for us. He refuses further testing or medications at this point. I don't know if this has helped you, only to agree that the anger stage is normal and will get better. Wishing you the strength to get thru this.