DPOA and enabling stepmother

Mikela

Hello, I'm very new here.  My dad was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's or dementia.  The doctors said he needs an MRI to verify which.  I have a strange situation as my stepmother is his primary caregiver.  She hadn't had adequate doctors in to treat him.  So I arranged a geriatric doctor with a program that does housecalls.  We've found out he has stage 4 liver disease, along with being bed-ridden and is now refusing any treatment of any sort as he associates his new geriatric doctor and staff with betraying him on the Alzheimer's/dementia diagnosis.  My stepmother is a legal immigrant who has been in the country since early 2000s and married my dad around the same time.  I have a durable POA, will, healthcare poa and physicians directive that I recently found from a couple years before they met.  Dad had also registered a ante-nup with the county indicating she was to have nothing.  We haven't found an earlier or later will or DPOAS that include my stepmother.    Stepmother is enabling Dad by saying he is fine and it is a misdiagnosis as he was tired.  But, she won't let any medical personnel in to "redo" the tests.  She keeps talking to an attorney who is giving her bad information.  My siblings and I have resolved to make sure she is taken care of regardless, but she isn't in any will we can locate.  It was something our dad communicated to us before his diagnosis and we consider her family.  We have offered to setup a trust to postpone us seeing any inheiritence until after her death, but she doesn't want anything to do with it.  What are my options?  I am getting tired of the constant drama as stepmother keeps egging Dad on with constant comments and bad advice.  Do I have any options here?  I don't want to put Dad in a home.  He could easily live at home if stepmother didn't kowtow to Dad's every wish.  I'm monitoring the finances and paying the bills at present.  Did I mention Dad also got scammed and lost a substantial amount of money to the scammer?  No one was reviewing his bank account and it was hacked.  I filed a police report.  When I took over financial POA, they had checks bouncing.  Stepmother keeps trying to get a  new DPOA in place and revoke any older ones.  Any pointers or suggestions would be appreciated.  I apologize if I've seemed to focused on numbers.  I've always been better with numbers and have a finance background.  I just want to see my Dad happier and healthier.
A very overwhelmed Mikela in Texas

M1

Hi mikela and welcome, though sorry for your difficult situation. There are lots of wise caregivers here who will give you lots of good advice.

I am glad you have your legal ducks in a row and are using them. His medical condition does not sound good or sustainable-it is very difficult to care for a bedridden person at home. Is he truly bedridden? Is he incontinent?  Are there medical conditions like his liver disease that are mimicking dementia or making it worse?  This medical instability may actually work to your advantage. I would consider having him taken to an ER at a major medical center  for evaluation and possible admission, either to a medical service if warranted or to a geriatric psychiatry ward. That way all of the evaluation can be done efficiently, and the hospital social workers can help p you get a care plan in place for the future.

Good luck on this difficult road, others will respond too I'm sure. 

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Mikela

Just clarifying some things...

I know little to nothing about the ante-nup.  It was a common practice of my Dad when he got married after being married to my mother for 25 years.  It was like he imploded our lives.  He went thru a period of several short marriages (I lost count at 7) when I was a teenager and in college.  The partner would often take him to court for something minor or go after his house, this was his standard practice of making sure a pre-nup or ante-nup was signed.  

By kowtow to his wishes, I mean my stepmother goes with my Dad's bad decisions.  She has always acted like a 1950's wife and catered to all his needs and wants.  She doesn't ever gainsay him.  I think it is her culture.  Like not calling an ambulance when he fell hit his head and couldn't get up (I found out a few days later and that's when I took a more hands-on approach to getting him a geriatric doctor/team to come directly to the house.)  I guess my Dad had screamed and yelled that she was not to call an ambulance.  So she didn't.  I don't find any of the care my Dad is getting excessive.  I don't feel like he is getting enough.  He needs hygiene help and memory care, but isn't getting it.  He has refused.  He isn't actively following the regimen set by a physical therapist we had out to get him more mobile.  The healthcare POA is a fairly recent development.  I basically ransacked my Dad's office a weekend ago and found all the documents named which we didn't know existed.    He seems to have lost that ability to discern when to share information and when not to share information.  He also forgets things.  He signed up for 2 sets Full coverage car insurances for their 3 older, paid off cars.  And yes, I also removed him as a driver on the policies, reduced them and cancelled the extra ones.  

There is also my stepsister in the mix.  She knows a good deal of English.  She has been living with stepmother and Dad for 15 years and is in her late 30s.  She has never held a job in the US until recently started working as a food delivery contractor.  Her main focus seems to be her friends and going out with strange guys.  I've had to pick her up from unsafe dates before where she made a bad decision to get into the guys car and not meet up somewhere first.  She blames my Dad for him "forcing her" to come to the US and for forcing her to take accounting courses at the local junior college in hopes she'd land  a job.   I've retooled her resume for her several times and even acted as a reference.   She doesn't follow thru and changes her resume back to one with misspellings and a huge photo.   She seems fairly passive aggressive.  I do have an issue with her not working full-time.  My Dad's retirement has been funding all her expenses, from phone, car, insurances, school etc.  It would last longer with just 2 people, not 3.  

Dad has also started talking about stuff that never happened. Like sending money to my little brother, an attorney to raise hell with the people who stole from him.  Getting back 65K from the bank instead of the actual 26K we got.  Receiving printouts from Facebook addressed to him that tell him what people are saying about him.  He hasn't been active on Facebook for almost 10 years.   I guess I am now his main target of conspiracy as I've been spending weekends at their house working with stepmother to teach her how to pay bills and trying to empower her some.  

With regards to the scam,  I've filed fraud affidavits with his credit union and recovered 2 months worth of funds.  That is all the liability they accept so that is all they researched.  I don't know if Dad gave someone his login or was hacked.  His email was hacked around the same timeframe.   The credit union didn't seem to have basic safeguards in place, so I am intending to sue them on his behalf also.  I used to be an auditor and there were clear, red flags that most big banks would have caught.  It seems the best recourse.  I did as much research as I could to identify the perpetrator and presented my findings to the local detective that handles elder abuse/fraud cases.   I presented the same to the local FBI office.  

King Boo

As DPOA, you have the legal responsibility to look out for Dad's care and his finances.

While your situation is complicated, it is not your job to look out for stepmom right now, or her daughter.

Your pathway is similar to many other's who have had to step and and place for medical care and safety in the face of their LO's objections.  This is easiest from a hospitalization but you can also do it from home.    Documentation from a Geriatric Psychiatrist and Neuropsychologist will most likely be necessary.

You are not going to change the situation at home so removing him is most likely the best plan.   

Assuming you have control over Dad's accounts with the DPOA and online access.  Place a credit freeze with all 3 agencies, stepmom and daughter have access to all that info and could easily use it to get loans, credit cards, etc.  A fraud alert is not enough.

Once he is placed, he is taken care of.  Then deal with the Stepmom and daughter.

Your Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) www.nelf.org can help with everything.

abc123

Hi Mikela, welcome. I’m glad you found us! King Boo has offered up some very good advice. You are in a complicated situation but you seem to be on top of things. You most definitely need a good CELA. No one should be taking orders from your Dad. Due to his dementia he is no longer able to make good, safe choices. I wish you the best!

jfkoc

Sounds to me like it is past the time that your father could revoke the current DPOA and write another. If he did you could contest it so you are the agent named in the DPOA. Read it carefully and then fulfill your responsibilities which would include handling all of his finances to make certain he is taken care of. 

If your father is bedridden you want to make certain he is getting proper care. I doubt that your stepmother knows everything to do so I would pay someone to come in and educate her.

I am not certain that "redoing" tests for dementia is going to be helpful. 

What is the treatment plan for his cancer?

The time may be here or close to when he will need 24/7 care. Plan for the worst day.

A thought. You could call Hospice and have them do an evaluation. I would not let either your father, stepmother or step sister know who they are!