asking for help

satchbee

Why am I having so much trouble asking for help.

I know I need help. My LO is in early stage 6, at home, etc. . 

My mind is in a bad place, and I am too exhausted to care, most days. And the long loneliness stretches ahead endlessly, hopelessly.

But, today I woke up determined to reach into the outside world, hence my presence on the boards this morning.

There is that voice in my head whispering that I am weak, I am a failure, suck it up, just do it! It whispers: you are selfish, etc. The voice feels ancient in my mind...too old to erase. 

What is WRONG with me?

LadyTexan

Good morning Satchbee.

Asking for help has been difficult for me also. Maybe it has something to do with the way I was raised, for example, I was raised to be independent, to be self sufficient, to help others before myself, etc.

The dementia journey is devastating and an absolute energy suck. I have learned that if I don't ask for help, I won't get help. If I don't get help, I am less calm, I am more exhausted, more cranky, more inpatient, more snarky...and the list goes on.

When I am cranky, inpatient, and snarky, DH reacts with agitation and anger AND everything is worse and gets worse from there. 

This journey is exhausting, long and unpredictable. And very overwhelming. I need to conserve my reserves. I need to avoid a personal energy crisis. I have forced myself to ask for help. When I ask for help, I usually get help. For example, 

1. -I asked my sister to pick up our groceries and she did.
2. -I asked the forum what to do about hallucinations and they told me.
3. -I asked my brother to assist with the house remodel and he became the project manager.

There is nothing wrong with you. Congratulate yourself for reaching out! In my experience, Asking for help DOES NOT mean you are weak or that you are a failure. It means many things, including that: 

• you trust others enough to allow them to help,
• you are conserving your reserves for what is to come,
• you are doing what you need to do to best care for your loved one.

Please allow others to help you. It starts with asking for help.

2 Young

Satchbee, there’s nothing wrong with you other than probable exhaustion. I’m glad you’re reaching out. You have been doing a thankless job. I completely understand the endless, hopeless feelings. Are you taking any breaks where you get out and do some things for yourself? Even the strongest person needs to “refill their bucket” in order to have anything to give.

Davegrant

     I think a lot of people including myself find it difficult to ask for help. I find this site, Alz Connected extremely helpful because the people here are living through the same or similar situation that I am. I tend to learn best from people who have learned from experience.

          There is one fear that confronts me when I ask a question: Is this a dumb question? When I get past this and submit the question I usually receive some compassionate and practical responses beyond my hopes.

          Secondly, I have found that I may not have clarified in my own mind what help I actually need. Is my need for emotional support, transportation, financial, legal, respite or just someone to talk to? Once clarified it then becomes easier to decide who may be able to help. It could be a family member, an existing community service or a friend. Then how often do I need this help? Do I need a ride to the clinic next Wednesday or every Wednesday for the next year? Some people may be willing to help one time or others occasionally?

          And finally, if my need is so great that there is no help available then I may have to consider other options. What are those options? The latter becomes a question to ask.

          

jfkoc

I love help an am at the point that the help does not need to do things exactly my way. That does not mean that I do not understand your position.

Asking for help does not mean failure or weakness. Far from it. You get another pair of eyes, hands and even possibly some new information. Additionally both you and your husband get a bit of company and you might just get some time off to refresh yourself.

So you see "help" can be a very positive step ...it need not be viewed negatively. It can be a win win for all. Try it!

Bhopper

As I am sure is the case for many on this site my nature to not ask anyone for help nearly ran me into the ground literally. Please be proud that you have done everything you can on you own but I have learned the hard way putting too much on my plate just causes me to drop it and creates additional problems. I have survived the last 18 months because I learned to ask and accept help in any form advice or services. My unexpected and quite unprepared journey began 5 years ago it took me 31/2 to even consider asking let alone accepting help. Today I can honestly tell you both of us would be worse off and even with help some days I cant get my head off the pillow the first try. But every once in a while the GREAT DAY comes and it helps get us through the crappy ones. Keep in mind the great day may last 1 hour or 6 but if I had not asked for help I would not have those. Sorry to be windy but you are not alone or wrong.

BH

Marie58

satchbee, nothing is wrong with you! You are exhausted, not weak, from all that you do 24/7. You are a hero, a loving caregiver giving it your all, not a failure. You are not selfish, as you need to take care of you first to be able to take care of your LO. You do need help, we all do. It's too much for one person to do. I have trouble asking for help too, so I get it. But you're normal, nothing is wrong with you. I hope you find the help you need. Blessings!

CStrope

Satchbee, and I think one of the hardest things is that there is no understanding or recognition of all that you've done and continue to do every day.  I'm not saying that someone should be giving you a gold star, but as caregivers we deal with little challenges every moment of every day.  Challenges that others don't see, and don't understand.  Nobody ever calls and acknowledges that you've just had to anticipate every move and need of your LO.  The emotional strain of carrying on one sided conversations, being the only one that enjoys your meal, or even not having someone say "good morning, I hope you have a good day."

There are so many tiny little things in our day to day living that people do not understand.

So we're here to tell you.....you're doing a great job.  You are an amazing person.  You deserve a break.  Don't let you LO's dementia define you.  You are more than just their caregiver, you are YOU....

JJAz

satchbee wrote:

There is that voice in my head whispering that I am weak, I am a failure, suck it up, just do it! It whispers: you are selfish, etc. The voice feels ancient in my mind...too old to erase. 

What is WRONG with me?

Those silent voices are strong and persistent.  Say this OUT LOUD, "I need help.  I deserve help."  It really helps drown out those voices.

M1

Sometimes in times like these it has helped me to put the shoe on the other foot.  If someone asked you for help, you would probably give it unstintingly.  We all love to help others, but hate to be the ones needing help.

Bholmes

I have not posted in a while. This topic rung a lot of bells.

I have been where you were at and I can only say if I could do one thing differently, I would have gotten help earlier. 

I was alone for multiple years and this disease killed my wife 6 months ago and ways nearly me. I also understand reluctance. I was too proud, too assure of my own competence. I worked in pharmacy for several years, I understood disease as I have a degree in cell biology, I am smart, I can do this.... This disease is unrelenting and I have regrets that I did not get outside help earlier - part of it was fear of Covid, but before that it was hubris on my part.

The help is for your loved one and yourself. I finally was told I needed help as I was at my wits end. Working full time, helping DW and as she got worse - it was overtime 24/7, keeping house in order. I had help the last 5 months of DW life and although expensive - I should have done earlier - at least 1-2 years earlier. I should have talked to her family that "you" need to come see her. Just for 1 hour a week for me to go to a store or take a walk. You have to ask or pay for it.

I am still dealing with this disease and what it did. I know people all go through things differently, but I can only say this disease will kill you along with your loved one. I finally got some medical issues done that I needed to do, but wouldn't because "my wife needed me". She did but there is limit to all people and I know getting help earlier would have helped her and me. 

Champagne

New to board. Reaching out to say hello and acknowledge that some days are sweet and some hurt like hell. I’m grateful there is a place we can join together.

Firedoggy

I retired from the fire department to take care of my DW. I was the help people called. Taking care of my wife 24/7 was too much. My children stepped in and I got help which made me a better care giver. Get help get a break it will make you better