DH had a very bad reaction when he noticed the ammo was missing

LadyTexan

Sometime in the last 8 months, I had my brother remove the ammo I found in the house. In hopes of avoiding a catastrophic reaction, I neither asked, nor told my DH that I had the ammo removed. 

Earlier this week, DH discovered the ammo was gone and life has been miserable since. 

1. DH feels betrayed. 
2. DH has lost ALL trust in me. 
3. DH is angry at my brother and my dad because he thinks they should have told him about the ammo being taken from the house. 
4. DH is angry at my mother just because she has the same last name.
5. DH has refused to eat since Monday around noon, With one exception: he did eat fried chicken my sister delivered this afternoon.
6. DH is drinking water and coffee only.
7. DH is refusing all but one of his prescribed medications.
8. I am keeping the PCP informed.
9. I have been trying to connect to mental health resources in the area. There is no psychiatrist in this town. The closest psych hospital is an hour away.
10. Because my husband is not an immediate, active risk to himself or others, he cannot be admitted involuntarily to the hospital. 

A) DH is beyond the point where he can safely use firearms. 

DH has been aggressive in the past. 

C) DH is not thinking logically (for an example, refer to item # 4 in the list above). 

Even though the last three days have been miserable, I would do the same thing, (have the ammo removed from the house).

Do not worry about me. I AM SAFE. I have been following the safety suggestions that I share with others. I am keeping my charged cell phone with me and I will not hesitate to call 911 if necessary.

Taking away the guns and ammo is hard, but it is necessary because of A, B and C. 

I sympathize with everyone else in this situation. It is miserable. I thought all the firearm discussions in our house were over. I was mistaken. 

LadyTexan

As a reminder, here is a the link to an earlier post regarding safety suggestions, if your loved one with dementia becomes aggressive https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147556480

Jeff86

LT, just want to say that you totally did the right thing to remove the ammo.  And without notice to your DH.

Our first obligation is safety—for our LO, but also for ourselves.  The ammo removal was in keeping with this priority.

That your DH is now, upon discovery, angry and exhibiting seriously negative behaviors does not negate the rightness of your decision.  I am sorry you are having to deal with the fall out, but it doesn’t negate the necessary action you took.

Stay safe and, as it were, stick to your guns!

caberr

Jeff86 is right.  You definitely did the right thing.  Hopefully this will pass soon!  Good luck

Hudson

Do not doubt your decision even one little bit. You absolutely did the right thing, for yourself, your loved one and others he may come in contact with.

M1

Fingers crossed for you LT, you ARE right about this. Wish there was something harmless you could pass off as ammo to pacify him. ?blanks maybe? I'm completely out of my element here.

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French

When I read your posts about ammo, guns... how I am relieved not having to deal with these kinds of issues.

You did right and I hope he will soon forget that you removed the ammo. Stange how things are forgotten and other not at all ! This shows how emotions impact their memory.

Mint

(((LadyTexan))) hope things get better for you soon.  It is hard on us when we doing our best to help them and they are unable to appreciate our effort.

LadyTexan

Thank you all for your support. It helps so much. Frankly, I feel like I am living in Crazytown.

DH has been very mean spirited, stating that I only care about myself, stating that I am a liar, and ignoring me. Other times, when he glares at me, I can almost see imaginary spears jetting from his eyes in my direction. I try to stay out of his way and not engage him because it just stirs the pot. 

As I do my chores, I come across the inevitable messes in the house, for example:

• poop on the floor next to the toilet, 
• sugar all over the counter, and
• a cigarette lit on the wrong end.

I want to scream, "This is why you can't have firearms!". I have learned that with my DH, screaming at him NEVER helps. Logic does not help. Validation and compassion helps. For example: 

• "I am sorry you have a disease", 
• "I am sorry the doctors said you can't have firearms", and 
• "I would fix this if I could".

Hopefully, DH's episode of anger and frustration is winding down. Sadly, I am reminded of a wounded dog, one who has been hit by a car. The dog is afraid and in pain. When the dog's human companion tries to help the dog, the dog inevitably bites the human companion. There is no malice, it is the dog's natural defense mechanism. It is all so sad.

Let me be clear, DH has never physically harmed me. That is the line. If I am at risk of physical harm, the authorities will be called.

Thank you again for your kindness and support.

Ed1937

Lady, I'm sorry you have had such a hard time with this. Hopefully it will continue to get a little better with time. It's time you have things going your way for a while.

LadyTexan

Thank you Ed. I have missed seeing you post. I hope you are well.

abc123

I am so sorry you are going through this. You absolutely did the right thing but that doesn’t make it any easier does it. I’m really sorry LT.

Jo C.

Not easy.  I learned the hard way to "let go," and disconnect myself.  When a necessary change was made for safety's sake; sure there was blistering shouting, ranting and raving and blaming and cursing; BUT that always passes.

So unpleasant, but it is also a behavior that diminishes and disappears as the disease progresses.

GeroPsych will indeed often admit when a regular psych unit/facilitiy will not.  Geriatrics carries its own set of measurements when dementia is present.   Usually, medication adustment is necessry.

At first I fought agains meds until I finally realized that if the behaviors were drivng me to utter distraction; imagine what it is like to live inside the LOs head  not only believing all the rigid false beliefs but also FEELING them.  Not good; and it was up to me to find the relief that my LO was not capable of doing.  It made a huge difference.  Sometimes it meant adjustment of present meds, and other times it was a different med approach with a new med.  It is a matter of what is a good fit for our LOs; they are all so different.

So . . . ranting and raving and shouting are only noise; it eventually passes.  BUT if one can secure help, it really is a huge difference in the qualiity of life for both the Caregiver and the LO.

J.

J.

Arrowhead

Instead of telling him that you had it removed, maybe you could have tried telling him that he had shot it all. In all cases, always tell them whatever will cause them the least amount of anxiety. In the case of dementia, honesty is sometimes the worse policy.

White Crane

Dear Lady Texan, I hid DH ammo four years ago after he got extremely upset over the neighbors shooting off fireworks on the 4th of July. It had to be done in order to protect both the neighbors and DH.  He was terribly upset at me and still brings it up from time to time.  I told him I gave it away.  You absolutely did the right thing!

ButterflyWings

(((Lady Texan))) Sending you love and light. You had no choice but to ensure his, yours, and everyone's safety. I hope your DH moves on from this soon. I'm glad you all have bounced back, post-vaccine. Maybe his mood and baseline are still stabilizing after the fever?

Is there a way for you to get the meds into him if the ones he's refusing are for anger/agitation, etc? (In his water bottle, etc?) In a pinch, I use the liquid Melatonin and am super fast with sneaking several drops into his beverage when I see him really ramping up.