Full time companions are not the only ones th@t get burn out

Saya_G

 Not the full time companion of my LO, but do a lot! Full time companion claims to be there  because of a promise to our father, before he passed. I believe she’s there because she had no place to go. Companion is miserable, complains constantly - has started blaming me because she moved her in the first place, says I begged her to come. I did NOT, she came well before our mother was diagnosed. At the time, I remember asking her if she was sure it was time for her to come. She came on her own (her job had ended, she was at a point in life where she wasn’t sure where to go or what to do).

I usually spend several days a week taking them both to doctors appointments. I have other responsibilities and quite honestly I refused to make the promise my dad asked her to make - my mother has never been easy to deal with - love her very much, just couldn’t live with her. Dementia, which she did not have at the time, was no where on the radar! 

My sis is miserable - actually she has never had a positive outlook! She is now placing all her frustration on me! I’m feed up with her. I told her if it’s time for mom to go to a facility then it’s time - but she needs to be there and take some responsibility for the decision. She wants me to be the one to handle it all - and to be the dirty dog! 

My sis knows that my mother doesn’t want to go, mom has demanded that we NEVER place her in a facility. As her children, we’ve already decided that one day it will be necessary- but mom is still aware enough so we’re not ready yet.

I know my sis is her full time companion but I am burnt out and actually pissed that my sis is now blaming me for her choice.

I know my sis is doing a lot, but so am! 

Anyone else in a situation like mine?

Saya_G

verb007

Hi Saya, 

It's so hard to go through this type of care for a parent! My situation is different than yours, but as I navigate making care decisions with my sisters, it's been helpful to remind myself that everyone grieves and processes differently, and that at the end of the day, all three of us are trying to do what we think is best for our mom, even when we don't agree on what that is. 

I have a ton of empathy for both of you- being a full time caregiver is really really really hard and draining, and even if your sister chose it willingly, she likely didn't fully understand what she was getting into. I lived with my mom for about 10 months and even though my sisters helped out with appointments and such, the drain of being there round-the-clock was really difficult. After I gave up, my oldest sister took mom in at her house. She initially thought she could keep mom for at least a year to buy us some more time before placement. She ended up making it about two months before realizing that wasn't going to happen, and later called me and said "I have no idea how you made it as long as you did with mom." So I think if you can try to be patient with your sister and recognize that being a live-in-caretaker is harder than you can possibly realize until you've done it, that might go a long way toward soothing some of the tension between you and get you both to a point where you can collaborate on solutions.

On the other hand, it sounds like you're much more ready to place your mom into a facility than your sister is, and that's a really hard spot to be in. I was ready to do that a lot earlier than my sisters were, and they had a lot of guilt about it because we've all been brought up to believe that you should take care of family, similar to the way your sister feels she made a promise. It was so frustrating to feel like the only one to recognize the reality that we couldn't care for her on our own, and that I was the only one actually doing anything about it, and it sounds like you're feeling a similar frustration.

You can't really convince your sister to place your mom if you're not ready, but it might help to acknowledge her feelings of exhaustion, and also to be really clear about what you can and can't do to help, and then let her draw her own conclusions from there. "Hey sis, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm happy to help with xyz for mom, but I won't be able to do abc. Are you comfortable managing those aspects of her care? If not, let's work together to find a professional to take over those aspects so you aren't so exhausted." If she continues blaming you for her choice to move, you might try asking her directly "I'm sorry you're so unhappy. What help do you need to make this situation better for you?" and put the impetus back onto her to come up with a solution. But also- as much as you can, try to be patient with her and with yourself remember that both of you are doing your best, and going through a really shitty situation together. Good luck!