My dad and I are clashing and I’m ready to move out

CareBear81

I don’t know how he expects me to help him when all he’s doing is pushing me away. He’s so moody and I get it. He’s tired. But so am I. Like if I don’t correctly hear what he says he gets angry and says “you just don’t want to listen!” I’m sorry but when you raise your voice at me I automatically start to shut down. This was all over my mom’s Seroquel. He’s only been giving it once a day when it’s been ordered to give it twice. I went out of my way to type up a medication list of each drug and when it’s supposed to be given. Why do I even bother? He doesn’t even look at it! He would rather ask me instead and I’m like “look at the cheat sheet.” I have to get him used to thinking on his own cause I’ll be moving away for college in August. He won’t have anyone around. But his little temper tantrums about anything and everything are just pushing me out the door. I’m sooo ready to leave when at first I thought about taking a semester off to help a little more with mom but at this point no way! Get me out of here!

And right now he just drove off somewhere and didn’t ask me to watch my mom or anything (I’m in my room with the door closed). So she’s sitting in her Geri chair in the living room unsupervised. That’s how childish he can be. He won’t even ask me to do something cause he’s mad at me or whatever.

Jo C.

How very frustrating and sad; I am very sorry for what is happening. Both of your parents are I believe in their 70's.   Your father sounds to be severely overwhelmed; exhaustion can be not only physical, but also severely psychological.  He is facing your leavng which he knows leaves him alone to face everything alone; whether he recognizes this as a fear element or not we do not know.  He may well be struggling on how he is going to be able to manage and he, at his age, may be experiencing health challenges and also the possibility of early changes in his own brain's health and function that could be affecting his judgment and reasoning.

If his behaviors are as you describe, this may indicate that things at home cannot continue as they are.  Your father may not be able to continue on for one reason or another. His behavior may be a call for help, or may be indicating changes within his own ability to process and perform all that would be required.

If Hospice is on service with your mother as you have mentioned; it may be necessary to make an urgent call to the Social Worker and the Supervising RN; do this in private out of your father's hearing.  Discuss what is happening and the probability that your father will not be competent to provide your mother's care and he also may have health and brain changes himself.  Let the Social Worker come out and assess matters and also speak in private with your father.

Hospice will have certain care facilities that they are on service with; Hospice will cover their patient in the care facility just as they do at home.  So; if your father is not able to provide the necessary care; that is no blame upon him. If your mother goes into care with Hospice followoing, your father can then be with your mother as much as he can or wishes as the loving husband and all 24 hour care will be provided by the care facility's nurses and aides relieving him from the stressors he has been dealing with inside himself.  Your mother may also benefit from the routine and structure that can be provided.   Just a thought.

You are a very loving nad caring daughter; your parents are blessed to have you by their side, but you must move forward with your life and education.  Your father may have met his limit and he also is facing a severe loss of his beloved wife; his life is changing forever, so let others step in and assess the situation.

If a 24 hour aide is not in the budget, Hospice care placement can provide the safety valve and level of 24 hour care that is now necessary;  This can also help put your own self at ease knowing that care is consistent. 

Don't forget that the Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 Hour Helpline 365 days a year; they can be reached at (800) 272-3900. If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant.   There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics. They are very supportive, are there to listen to us; they have much information and can often assist us with our problem solving.

Let us know how you are and how things are workng out, we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.

J.

Cynbar

I remember that your mother is on hospice, I hope they are helping you deal with this. As the last poster said, please communicate with your mother's RN case manager and social worker about what is going on. They need to know how your father is acting, and also that you will be leaving in August --- planning needs to start now for your mother's care at that point. The social worker also could schedule a family meeting with you and your dad, to hash out some of your issues. It also sounds like placement may be needed, your dad doesn't sound like he will be able to be her only caregiver. Yes, hospice will follow her to facilities they contract with. But I have to add that hospice will not pay for room and board (except for limited times when she qualifies for GIP (general inpatient) level of care which is not long term,.) Now is the time to examine their finances and apply for Medicaid if needed, the application process can take some time, and facilities need to know they will be paid. Good luck, this is a very difficult situation for all of you.

Suzzin

If your dad is older and overwhelmed, he may not be able to follow a list of medication directions. Could you get one of those pill boxes---they have them for am and pm, not just one box for the day---and sort the meds out for him? Then he only needs to remember that today is Tuesday AM, not which assortment to pull together.

CareBear81

My dad is like 67 and he’s the one who fills the boxes when I don’t get around to doing it. There’s an am/pm tray for each day. The medication list was just as a backup incase I’m not here. I also have instructions on how much Tylenol and ibuprofen to give if needed (not tablets but how much liquid, mom can’t swallow tablets).

CareBear81

My parents don’t qualify for Medicaid. And from the very beginning he said he would never put her in a facility and he would do everything possible to keep her home. We’ve already had a meeting with the social worker and I wasn’t really satisfied with how things went but he was. So that night I started writing him a letter (which I never finished but I think I will now) telling him how I felt. Everything was ok for a little while and recently it just started up again. Like just now he yells, “it’s ok I got your mom up.” She just woke up and I was in the bathroom. He could’ve waited for me to come out and ask for help but that was all on him to do it alone. I had no idea what was going on. So I went running after him and asked him what his problem was and he said “I was just telling you I got your mom up.” No. I heard the sarcasm behind what he said. He was like “I guess I’m just text you when I have anything to say to you,” and I said “I’m perfectly fine with that. Go ahead.” And I got up and left.

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harshedbuzz

CareBear-

This is such a difficult situation.

Piling on to the observations made by Victoria-

Early onset dementia is a special kind of hell for couples and families. It robs the PWD and their spouse of the golden years to which they looked forward. For the children, it complicates their launch into an independent adulthood with the anticipatory grief that mom won't be mother-of-the-bride or a doting grandmother. 

If your dad has not sat down with a CELA, he should. There are very likely strategies that could qualify him as a community spouse while your mom qualifies for Medicaid. Assumptions and word-of-mouth do not replace solid legal advice. 

When your dad made the promise to care for mom at home, there is no way he could appreciate what he was taking on. He was at least 6 years younger. Even if he'd been a hands on caregiver for a parent w/dementia, the experience is not the same as when it's your life partner. Perhaps he needs "permission" to place her.

I had something similar with my own parents; my mother was hell-bent to keep dad at home. For her it was a combination of societal/dad's brother's expectations that a wife would "take care of her own". She also was very mindful that placement had the potential to impoverish her as dad had squandered much of their nest egg earlier in the disease. But she was miserable, the relentless nature of caregiving prevented her from taking care of her own health and given dad's personality he wasn't willing to accept care from her most days.

I had to advocate strongly for placement. She was ready to cry "uncle", she just needed someone to tell her she wasn't a monster and that it was possible he'd get better care from a professional team that was well rested. FTR- the MC staff was wonderful with him and he cooperated taking his meds, showering and eating. I did all of the planning to make the move possible; there is no way I would have stepped in as hands-on caregiver, so I had a shovel-ready Plan B in my back pocket if there had been a crisis sooner. In retrospect, I wish I had pushed harder and sooner.

HB

loveskitties

As for medications, can you write on the lid of the bottle the times she is to get the meds?  Then if you are there or not dad will know what times.  Might be easier for dad than getting out the sheet.