DH will not bathe or shower
Period.
Help!
I am rarely speechless, but this is a stone wall that we cannot get over, around, under, or through. I don't know what to do. He seriously is just not willing to shower or bathe anymore, no matter what I do. It is not fear of the tub or shower, and it isn't room or body temperature, like being too cold. It is coming across as pride or angry irritation (not embarrassment). He gets offended that I will ask, suggest, hint, or just mention his showering. This man always LOVED showers. And he used to love being clean and well-groomed. Those days are gone.
We need to do something now, and I really don't know what. Have read lots of posts here, even before we got to this phase, so I could anticipate what might happen and how to deal with it. But it has been 3 weeks (finally got him to at least allow me to sponge bathe a couple of hot spots since he was reeking due to the sudden urinary incontinence during a UTI. He started using Depends exclusively just in the last month...that's great for the floors and bedding (drips and dribbling continue, though the full on peeing anywhere including all down his legs has stopped now that the UTI is cleared).
But this isn't good and can't continue. For the last 6-8 months it has gone from maybe once a week shower to 1 every couple of weeks. I nudge every day, more than once and it is, "I just did; I took one this morning/last night; what are you talking about, I take a shower every morning been doing it all my life; I'll do it as soon as you leave the room; I was going to take a bath instead (I've run the bath for him and gotten fooled a couple of times with that one. The water goes to waste); I will do that after I wake up, after breakfast/lunch/dinner" -- he's either constantly delaying and/or really thinking he did it, because he always used to. Faithfully. Like clockwork. That was a morning ritual for decades, but no more. I thought he might be forgetting how to operate the shower, so I left it on a few times after pretending I'd just taken one and made a big deal of it being all was ready for him. Again, he was offended. Seriously huffy and then stubbornly refusing even more. Went on and on about it: Did I think he was too stupid? That I was his mother? Why don't I (wife) take one myself (mind my own business); Does he tell me when to shower,? etc. etc.
Now that we are in the Depends stage (a win) he also doesn't want me to remind him the "underwear" can't stay on all day (or overnight and half the day). He is still using the toilet, but also leaking and dripping in the Depends.
Any suggestions? This doesn't feel like a phase that will pass.
Comments
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What is it with PWDs and bathing!? People who never went a day without taking one now resist it vehemently. I can commiserate, although our situations aren’t quite the same. My DW won’t take a shower if offered a choice, so I don’t ask. I just lead her into the bathroom and put her in. I try for twice a week, because it is a trial for both of us. For your DH, a couple things come to mind: Does he dress himself? My DW needs help and is used to me pulling her clothes on and off. When I pull her nightgown off over her head, I know when she really needs a shower. Since at that point she is already naked, putting her in the shower is just one more step in the routine. I don’t tell her she needs to bath, I just do it. She is pretty compliant at that point, unlike your DH, so maybe this isn’t a solution for you. The second idea is one I read about here, and that is to have someone else shower him; maybe family member, home health aide, or even a close friend. The spousal relationship contains many subconscious feelings and motives. Maybe even resentments. In a working, loving brain these things get resolved with logic and positive emotion, but in a broken brain, who knows? Maybe someone with a less emotional connection will be able to make a difference.
Butterfly Wings, your posts are always thoughtful and show your love and commitment to your DH. I have found them uplifting and often helpful in my own struggles. I wish I could do more to help you with this one.
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Butterflywings you are an amazing caregiver who has handled so much, but I agree with David, I'd let someone else handle this one. Can you have an aide come in once or twice a week for this? Sounds like it would be easier on both of you. Sorry it's such a struggle.0
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Hi ButterflyWings! So sorry you are having this problem.. I can relate myself, my DH always took a shower. He loved them, but I am having the same issue. What I do and I don’t know how long it will last but I take a shower with him. He tells me that it is to much of a struggle for him to do it himself so I shower with him to help him out. Like I said I don’t know how long that will last. Maybe getting someone else like the others suggest might help. I know it is hard and you are doing a great job!!! Hang in there and I wish you the best.0
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What a challenge, ButterflyWings. I am sorry you are having this struggle.
My DW is a member of the no-shower club. For her, it is a temperature issue. She is always cold, and getting fully undressed aggravates the issue.
I have ceded this task to an aide. Even then, it’s stressful for my DW. One day last week, as she was being readied for the shower, she told the aide, “I hope you die.” Fortunately, as soon as the deed was done, all was forgotten and my DW was sweet and loving again with the aide (who understands....).
One thing we did that helps, somewhat, was to modify the shower plumbing so there’s a hand-held shower—allows for more control, more directing of the water.
Hope this situation turns around soon for you.
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OH can I relate, ALL personal hygiene activities have become a major challenge here. DW will not shower even for our aid, will not brush her teeth or allow me or others to trim her nails. She has not like showering for a few years but using the warm rooms & warm clothes approach worked for quite a while but for the last 2 or 3 months it has been near impossible to get her in the shower. She always loved going for a manicure but now she will not let them trim or polish her nails. I did get her to the dentist for a cleaning on Friday which was a big win. The big loss here is that pre Covid I always kept DW fairly socially active. I was hoping we could return to previous activities now that things are opening up but with DW hygiene issues that is not going to happen.0
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Dementia in some individuals, like oil, does not appear to mix with water. Or soap.
This was a problem for my mother in caregiving dad who had previously been ridiculously fastidious. More than the aggression or even incontinence, dad looking like a disheveled Yeti pained her.
I think the avoidance of showers was multifactorial. Dad's dementia impacted his personal temperature regulation, so he was typically cold. He seemed to develop sensory issues as his disease progressed, so that the bright lights, noise and feeling of water on his skin may have been challenging at times. With poor short term memory and sense of time, sometimes dad believed he'd showered because he always had in the past. Initially though, I believe a lot of his behavior was about control. He'd lost so much independence in terms of driving, managing his investments, living where he wanted, etc. that cooperation around hygiene, eating and medication became the one place he could protest. Unfortunately, this became a factor in deciding on placement because he wasn't able to get good care at home. Once he went to MC, he was more cooperative with staff than he'd ever been with my mom, me or the aides she brought in so he was generally showered a couple of times a week.
In your shoes, I might try bringing in an aide to supervise showers once he's more comfortable with them. I hope you can find a way forward.
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ButterflyWings, I do like reading your posts because some of what you are experiencing as a caregiver I can relate to in many ways and like the way you share what you are experiencing as a caregiver because sometimes I feel that my DH has unusual symptoms and finding that others are dealing with the same issues gives me peace of mind that I am not alone in this struggle - and many days it is a struggle for both the caregiver and patient. I have been his sole caregiver for 4 years, and I am hoping to continue until the end as his caregiver -- and I know there will be an end because of this terrible disease.
I am going through the exact situation with bathing, and hygiene in general. Husband was always sort of stubborn and now with this disease e is even more so. He liked doing things for himself - never wanted anyone to fuss over him, and now that he cannot most things for himself he does not want anyone else to fuss with him.
DH just will not take a shower or bathe no matter what has been tried using the hand held shower, warm bathroom, etc. He puts up such a fuss and then becomes aggressive. He does not like taking his clothes off and to be dressed again - this is one of the situations, plus the fuss it takes to get him in the shower and for me to wash him, dry him, dress him, etc. Before this disease DH would take a shower AM and PM and was very meticulous about his hygiene, keeping up with all his doctor and dental appointments.
We have tried outside caregivers, plus our daughter who is a registered nurse and has been a caregiver in the past, had no luck without struggling and then with DH falling in shower because he did not want to be there. It is not worth the frustration and anxiety. I have had to resort to using extra large Adult disposable washcloths on him (Assurance Brand from Walmart)...good price and smell nice. I get them by the box. I also use them when I have to clean his private areas and after he has bowel movements. I did get some non-rinse foam soap also for wiping him down (Nurture from Amazon). Of course any brands can be used, but using these is the only way I can sneak in a wipe here and there on the body. Sometimes I can even get a basin with soap in it and give him a very quick sponge bath during the warmer months. I have even wiped Old Spice Antiperspirant Deodorant over parts of his body...his body odor has changed and of course with less hygiene on his part this does help - at least helps me with his body odor at times.
Shaving - can only use the electric razor and only a bit here and there. He will not tolerate a full treatment. Most things work when I can get him in a good mood and mornings seem to work the best. When it gets near sun-downing time all bets are off on most things.
He will not let me cut his nails or clean them without yelling and fussing. Again, sometimes I will get a basin of warm water with soap and try to soak his hands in them to get the nails clean but still so much fuss. For his hair, I have to use the Nurture to clean his hair with the Adult disposable Wipe and a hand towel to dry.
And it goes on and on. We are now at the point where he is incontinent (wears adult pull ups) and is not eating much -- but he can find a way to eat MMs with Peanuts and likes Ice Cream. I have tried different foods, and of course he no longer likes the foods he used to.
Added to all of this, DH now can barely sit for a few minutes in a doctor's office and refuses blood to be drawn, blood pressure readings, etc. And forget about dental appointments. He never minded going for regular exams, etc., but now they would have to really sedate him for any procedure to be done.
When he was in the hospital for a UTI (septicemia) they would put his meds in puddings, yogurt, applesauce - and he knew that and hated it. Now he will not eat any of those because I have found the only thing they did not use was ice cream and this is where I have to put his crushed Seroquel.
I have found in most cases the struggle, anxiety, aggression I have to deal with when I want DH to do something is not worth it because I end up in tears and he becomes angry all day when I try to force anything on him. Alternatives work the best and often are much easier on the caregiver and patient.
The worse part is DH has also been diagnosed with Primary Aggressive Aphasia and so that makes communication almost impossible. If it wasn't for his facial moves, grunts and often the word of NO can come out of his mouth, plus the flailing of arms, I would not have any idea what was on my husbands mind.
ButterflyWings, I wish you the best of everything in this care-giving role as I do every other caregiver and that there will be good days when we can find easier ways to deal with the care-giving. I have taken bits and pieces from this web site to use on my husband that make things easier for him and I. Some days we think we cannot go on another day when nothing goes right but then a new day comes along and that day seems a bit easier for us as caregivers.
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Count me in as an active member of the No Shower Club. In addition, I am now included in the No Shave Club. Not exactly sure how we got here, my DH was always immaculate in his appearance, never missed a day without a shower or shave. He also has every excuse on the book --- I just took one, I will in a little while, You're not my mother so stop ordering me around. We tried aides while he was getting home physical therapy this spring, that really didn't work because they came at a specific time and expected him to get going (I tried prepping him in advance but his memory is gone so he forgot immediately.) It takes most of the day to talk him into it. He seldom showers now, it seems to scare him, but he will allow a good sponge bath sitting on the shower chair a couple times a week. He now agrees to use his electric shaver a few times a week under the pretense of helping our puppy get used to the sound before he needs grooming, but that won't last forever. My standards have changed, that's for sure --- now, pretty clean is good enough. All of this is exhausting.0
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I have been very fortunate because my wife will listen to one of our daughters, who will call at least twice a week (or every other day) to tell her mother it's time for a shower. She can talk her into just about anything, when I wouldn't have a chance.
My vote is like the others when they say he will probably be more likely to accept the demands of another person when it comes to bathing. Maybe another family member could do it, or it might be time to have an aide come in. I wish you luck. I know it's not easy.
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DH was once a member of the No Shower Club too. Challenging to say the least! Our toilet is two steps away from our shower. I used to trick him to get him into the shower. The timing was the key for us. I used to dress him every morning. I never told him it was shower time. Instead of redressing him, I casually took his arm and lead him into the shower.
Of course, the usual things worked: 95 degree bathroom, water already warmed, etc.When he was sitting in his shower chair, I never put water on his head. I used a hand-held shower head and always started with the feet. Then the hands (away from his body). I continued to ask him if it felt ok. I then put liquid soap on his feet and hands and let him rinse them off. By then, he'd allow me to finish the shower. He loved when I scrubbed his back. Head last and I used a children's shower head protector so water wouldn't get in his eyes. He also held a dry wash cloth up to his eyes. After shampooing, I immediately dried off his head and dressed him while he sat on the toilet seat. I always complimented him that he was so fresh-smelling and handsome when done.Yes, this too shall pass. Seems like an eternity ago.... Good luck.
Sample of a shower head protector: Cute baby picture!
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Good morning everyone (again). I got a few hours of rest after losing sleep over this issue last night, which led me to my postings in the wee hours. What I knew for sure is that there would be some really thoughtful, creative, and wise ideas to consider once I woke up and checked back in here. And once again you came through! What a truly wonderful group of amazing, sharing and caring people we are fortunately blessed to be part of, despite the misfortune that leads us here.
THANK YOU!!! So many great ideas and food for thought that I hadn't even considered. Much appreciated. I guarantee we will be trying all of the above in the next few weeks lol, and will report back. I'll post again even before that, after more coffee and a moment to just breathe. It is so nice to at least have some new options that have worked for some, and might just work for us, at least for a time. Feeling relieved already. And hoping others may get some new ideas to cope with this challenging issue too. What a weird side effect that all or most PWDs experience!
What I didn't consider though, was the extra bonus gifts you all would be providing in your responses. Such kind and encouraging messages to me personally, as a fellow caregiver at my wits end. You've made my day and weekend! Didn't even realize I was dreading the long holiday weekend that so many co-workers and family have been looking forward to...for sure we aren't gathering with anyone, especially not with our current hygiene challenges even though we are fully vaccinated as of last month. Your friendship and encouragement just brought out the sunshine here. Humbled and so grateful for your taking the time to post such caring messages. Thanks again!
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Lills wrote:
Sample of a shower head protector: Cute baby picture!
Here it is:
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Dear Butterfly Wings, showering is such a problem! For several years now, DH has refused to shower except on Sunday mornings before church. A few months ago, he started arguing about even doing that. He would usually end up doing it but only after letting me know he was angry about it. About a month ago, an idea hit me and it has been working. This may work only for him but I hope it can help someone else. He has told me over and over that when he was a kid they took their bath on Saturday night. One Saturday, for some reason, I said: "Hey, it's Saturday... bath day. I'll take my shower first and then you can take yours." To my surprise, he said sure! So I've been doing this every Saturday since and only one time did he balk...that was when I had already gotten up and dressed. I hope this helps. Its so hard when we know they need to wash and they don't seem to notice.1
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This is a great thread. I am going to bookmark (subscribe to it) and hope I never need it!!
Ed, is that a picture of you!?
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My wife allows me to shower with her and to help her get clean. Your husband might enjoy that.0
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My husband has been gone now for 4 years but I vividly remember the anti- showering stage.
What I ended up doing was getting a small, round plastic, shower stool (we had a small bathroom and tub/shower combo) not room for both of us in there. I also got a special hand held shower wand with a LONG hose from the medical supply store. It has a much more gentle stream than those at the home centers and you can adjust the pressure while holding it in your hand and also stop and start the flow from your hand.
I would put a hand towel on the shower seat, then have him sit while I put a warm towel around his shoulders. I put another warm hand towel over his lap. I would start with his feet, and even let him hold the wand (sometimes). Then I’d slowly work my way up his body, left arm, right arm, you get the idea. He loved to have his back scrubbed so that was next.
On shampoo day, I’d have him cover his eyes/face with a washcloth (he didn’t have much hair). Lastly, I’d have him stand up, holding on to the grab bar directly below the shower head, and wash his bottom and other parts. We did this every morning after breakfast. I just led him to the bathroom and commenced the process.
I too would have him sit on the shower stool and dry most of him off then help him out of the tub to dry his backside. I had clean clothes laying on the bed so they were at the ready. I had to help him dress. After dressing, I had him sit on the stool while I shaved him with an electric razor. Sometimes, if he was in a good mood, and I wasn’t in a hurry, I’d blade shave him with warm shaving cream (which is what he always used to do). Then he’d use an electric toothbrush for oral care (with supervision of course!).
This whole process took about 45 minutes, generated a lot of laundry, but he was clean and smelled good. Often then, we would get in the car and go for a ride, like to McDonalds for coffee or to a park for a walk. I would be totally wet by the time the process was done but he was clean.
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I can occasionally get my DH in the tub with a "spa day." I talk it up in advance- spa day! spa day! We have an over sized jetted tub that I fill with bubbles and he gets right in. The soak is followed by a mani/pedi. That got me through the winter, when, frankly, I'm OK if he goes a while between baths. Now that warm weather is here with the need for more frequent bathing and the hot water is less appealing, I'll need a new strategy.0
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I am telling DH that we have to do tick checks and showers. I have Lyme now so I remind him of that0
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All I had to do was to say I need help washing my back and ask if he would hop in and help me.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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