Mom keeps telling me she hates me

Worried about mom

 Mom with dementia has been in assisted-living for five years. For some reason she suddenly feels like she just got there.  Every single day I get a call with her expressing how much she hates me for “ putting her in prison.“. No matter how much I explain to her that she agreed to move closer to me and into assisted living… she says I’m lying.

Today was the worst experience… and this is even hard for me to type… But she said she would’ve had an abortion had she known what I would do to her. She doesn’t remember that she couldn’t live alone, couldn’t remember her medicine, was not eating, couldn’t take care of her home and didn’t know anyone around her anymore. She lived over an hour away from me or sole caregiver. 

She is my life and I have done everything for her. To feel that she has this contempt for me it’s just breaking my heart and I can’t deal with it. I continue to tell her I will move her or anywhere she wants but at 95 years old she cannot live by her self.  That gets me nowhere.

Have any of you experienced this? We’ve tried medicines, we’ve tried anti-depressants, we’ve tried counseling. I’m at my wits end. 

Suzzin

I'm so sorry, this is heartbreaking. The common wisdom is "it's not her, it's the disease" but that doesn't always help when your mom is saying hurtful things. You did absolutely the right thing in getting her to a safe place where she will be cared for.

MN Chickadee

I'm sorry. That must be really hard to deal with. Has she been checked for UTI since this is a new amped up behavior? 

You will have to develop some thick skin. How are you reacting? Are you giving her negativity to feed off? Reasoning with her is pointless. Of course it gets you nowhere, her mind is compromised by a disease so that it won't process these things correctly. Reminding her of decisions she made that she can't remember is useless and will only make her distrustful of you. To her this current reality in her broken brain is real and true. Her brain literally and physically can no longer recognize its deficits or process your logic and arguments and reasons, and you will have to work around that. Try validating her feelings followed by a therapeutic fib followed by distraction. Take the blame you don't deserve and see if hearing her out settles her down. Try to hear the fear or anxiety that may be behind all this.  "Why do you hate it there mom? yes, I can see why. I'm sorry that is happening to you and you feel that way. I'm here for you mom, always will be. You're right mom. I will work on getting you out of there. Give me some time to make arrangements. I'll make some calls. While you wait, did you know tomorrow is ice cream social there? I remember that time we made ice cream when I was 7 and then we....." 

Many of us say the stay at memory care is temporary. Yup, maybe you can go home next week when _________ (the doctor says you are strong enough, the house repair is done, the apartment is ready, the car is fixed, the weather is better etc.) Rinse and repeat. You don't have to take her calls every day. If they are going to be filled with hate let them go to voicemail for you own mental health. Also, you say she is in assisted living. If this is not memory care specific, is it possible this is no longer the right level of care? Is she getting to meals and activities? Staying busy? If it's like most AL then it may not suitable for dementia at a certain point, and she may be isolated and feel like it's a prison she can't get out of due to long periods alone and being unable to utilize her space and belongings in any meaningful way, unable to keep up with the other residents and activities designed for cognitively normal people. Dementia often causes people to lose executive function and the ability to self start anything, so she may need the structure and added supports of memory care to feel safer. At a certain point in dementia, the "maximize independence" idea of AL is a pipe dream for the family members and not helpful to the person with dementia. Just a thought. 

King Boo

Who prescribed the anxiety/anti depressants?   If it was a GP or Neurologist, it's not really their specialty.   Get her seen by a Geriatric Psychiatrist MD.

It helps if you frame it as more of a brain injury, which changes personalities and behaviors.

Giving her the 'open window' of I'll do anything you want is opening you up to problems.  She can't reason or understand, don't torture yourself by going there.

Just because she says something doesn't mean the old Mom harbored any such thoughts.  I am sure you are stunned and hurt, but let it go.  Many tell tales of their parent talking about the affair they had with the Queen of England and the many children they had behind their spouses back (one example) - it's the brain injury.

Some manifestations of the disease can't do 'happy or content' (though until she has seen a Geriatric Psychiatrist MD I wouldn't assume that).  Her quality of life is poor being so angry, do pursue that.  Therapy doesn't work when reasoning and ability to learn are gone, as they are now.

Behaviors also worsen when they are stressed.  If she has been in AL for 5 years, she has more than doubled the average stay in AL for a PWD;  Memory Care is a more streamline setting appropriate for the disease.  

The4thOne

My mother grew nasty and hateful 'sounding' and I want to reiterate, sounding, and did the 'I wish I would have had an abortion' thing as well.  And like you, I could not believe she said that, especially as she is and has always been anti-abortion!  It cut to the bone.  She would say 'I wish your plane would crash and kill you! '  And I would say, 'Mom you would kill everyone on the plane because you want me dead?' And she would actually say ' 'Yeah, because I hate you'. We may have had our issues as daughter and mother, but at first it really played a Jedi-mind trick on me; made me wonder, 'are these your real feelings toward me coming out in your illness?'  It jacked me up!  As a woman of faith, in those moments, I would look at her, but see this was not her.  I actually believe that this was the smack in the face, I needed to accept and believe, this is how evil this disease is, that it would take my mother, my sweet, intelligent, strong, mother, from who she was to this being.  In those moments, I would have to say out loud to myself to hear the truth, 'this is not my mother'.  It was embarrassing to share what she said, even in this forum where many have heard and seen it all!  And believe me, my upbringing and life did not allow me to be a shrinking violet. 

However, believe it or not, with prayer, support, and more education on this disease, I have grown thicker skin.  As others have said, the UTI issue is huge in that behavioral change.  Please get that checked immediately.  My mother had that.  Faith is great, to carry you to an understanding and acceptance, but the science is real.  This is a disease, it has physical manifestations that attack the brain, and that attack to the brain does what attacks on the brain will do - loss of cognitive awareness removes judgement and discernment, and leaves paranoia, that plays out in ways you could not imagine.  This former person you knew and loved was an intelligent, discerning, person.  This disease has removed that.  It is not you she is attacking, it is the person in front of her because her short term memory is fading or even gone.  So she can't 'see' you who was just the daughter she knew, she sees a threat, and 'human' nature is still in there somewhere - she fights and attacks that which her mind can no longer discern.  It may sound impossible now, but you will learn the cues of when this behavior is getting ready to kick in.  Build your 'escape' plan; and by that I mean, design your resolve around your plan of what I call  'removement', a mental safe place, not a physical one. When I expect and anticipate that she is getting ready to lay the siege, I arm myself with silent words of affirmation, good memories and try not to hear when she is ranting and asking non-sensical questions and accusations, knowing that she doesn't know what she is saying and she is not talking to me, just using my name and face as a target. I say nothing, or when I have to, I speak patiently to the face of her 'not my mother-ness'. Confronting it with my pain and emotion, expecting her to 'hear' and understand how you love her and is hurt by what she is saying, this is not the time.  Your defense will only confuse her and make her dig in deeper.  But you still have to guard your heart, because you have to be able to address YOUR mother, when SHE comes back.  You will naturally want to tell her how much she hurt you with what she said, as you are still wounded.  You need to learn to separate that person from last night to the one the next morning. It's almost a funny analogy; you have to treat it like a bad one night stand, you can only tell your most trusted friend how bad you feel, and when you confront the person the next day, (in this case your mother) you both will act like it never happened.'  Terrible image I know, but I hope you can smile at that.  

I am in no way suggesting it will be easy to learn how to handle it,  However, the unfortunate truth is you will get more practice in how to deal with this new person.  Praying for your grace in the midst....

terei

The thing that jumps out at me is that you talk about continuing to ‘explain’ things to her.  STOP.    Explaining to her is, in her mind, arguing with her + it is just winding her up to new heights of insults.  

Her brain is being destroyed + not matter how hard you try, you will not succeed with explanations to a broken brain.

When my mom would start, if I said anything at all,  I would tell her I knew her situation was sh*tty, but there was nothing I could do to change it + try to deflect to a different subject or offer her favorite, ice cream. I also would sometimes say, ‘mom, you make a plan. where you want to go, what situation you think you would like better + I will try to help you accomplish it’  She was not able to plan or come up with anything.  She just knew she hated being where she was, which probably not change with geography.

If the meds she is taking are not moderating this behavior, especially if she seems very agitated, different meds should be tried.  Try to detach a bit + also cut short any visits that degenerate to abuse by leaving or getting off the phone.  Dont let it escalate.