grieving(4)

Crushed

I have been on this road 11 years.  No Idea how long it lasts.  But I can no longer speak of her as "my wife" in the present tense.  Marriage is a partnership and the wonderful woman I married is long gone.

 My therapist says I am deep into grieving. Oh the rush of memories.

 Yesterday 25 bags of her clothes went to charity and it hurt.  They had been bagged up before Covid.  I saved all the fancy long dresses that had served as impromptu "nightgowns" on special occasions.  I still have all her jewelry
I visit the MC, push food into her and check that she is well treated.   She stares at me blankly, no recognition whatever.  A kind of Zombie existence.   
I remember the care with which she introduced our 18 month old to her new younger sister, starting a bond which persists to this day.  The care she took of my mother who had dementia and died just after DW was diagnosed.  The pride I felt when she wowed the technical world with her brilliance.  She did not have a romantic bone in her body but she loved with a totality that was incredible.  

Now I know why the Mughal Emperor built the Taj Mahal  

I  made brownies for her this morning.  

 She did a have a favorite song (although she never needed it)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8T0A8OYLlk

Lynne D

I have no words, but my thoughts are with you.

caberr

Thinking of you.

Debbie Parmelee

Your words of love and devotion brought tears to my eyes. I feel I am heading down this same journey with my DH. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May the happy memories you have help sustain you.

Ed1937

Lynne D wrote:

I have no words, but my thoughts are with you.

Ditto.

abc123

You have been in my thoughts and prayers Crushed. I am sorry for your pain.

jfkoc

We grieve what we lose and we here lose so much before death.

The list of what you have lost is long and the losses can not be lumped under "my wife".

  It extends way beyond that....social life...companion....confidant....travel...focus.....safe place...intimacy....sex....even chef. I know you could add more to the list. 

We are left in an empty space with no familiar roads with only the suggestion of  what might be ...a path  to think about trying if we can manage the strength. 

It is just so horrible.

amicrazytoo

So hard for you to go through this, as it is for all of us. Recently sitting on the deck with DH, I would stare at him and think to myself, I'm actually watching him die, right before my very eyes. What a horrible thought. You and your wife shared more than most of us have. It's very moving to read your inner most thoughts, you have chosen to share with us. Thank you and sending (((HUGS)))

loc3762

I understand what you are saying and I know how you feel.  I have no advice but want you to know that you are not alone.

Tdrinker46

It is so difficult seeing your LO deteriorating.  My DH of 55 years is still able to attend day care and occasionally remembers a past event.  Try to focus on the happy memories.  Will be thinking of you and your struggles.  We are grieving the person we no longer are able to converse with.  

ButterflyWings

(((Crushed))) My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the grief that giving away those clothes must have triggered. What a blessing for someone/s though, so in a special way, through you your DW is still giving of herself and her charmed life before EO dementia showed up.

I obviously can't help at all with what you are living through right now.  I am so, so, sorry for your unfolding loss, though. Eleven years is such a long time. You have helped me and so many here, I wish I could lighten your pain at least a little bit. For now, just know that you are walking toward the light although it doesn't feel like it I know. As in, "its always darkest before the dawn", I guess. 

You are doing as you have urged us all to do: Survive. Live through this terribly challenging time to be able to one day, look back on this stage of the journey with less pain, more peace, and having experienced a measure of healing. Thank you for always sharing your beautiful love story. I wish you well.

Bhopper

Nothing I can say will dismiss the grief but I thank you for you honesty and consistent shared experiences and truly hope you get rest and some comfort soon 

BH

riajean

Crushed, I’m so sorry.