my mom is in a prison she says

eastofbeach

Well, my mom is in skilled nursing after her decision to be in a living situation that was dangerous, well she was angry I thought it wasn't the best idea. So, she took her medication wrong or ran out and didn't let me know that happened, and the doctor sent it to costco not walgreens. And now she is waiting for me to find a place for her to go to. She had been on this list for over a year for assisted living, but now it took so long, she needs memory care.

And, I am not telling her that is what I am choosing, it isn't worth the anger or upsetting her and then me, and anyway it will be a repeat tomorrow or the next day. I am skipping all that. I feel guilty but also relieved. There hasn't been any way at all for me to care for her in my home, I tried and she was combative, with me and her doctor.

But now, even when she sees me, she tells me it would be nice to see me, she is literally looking at me as she says this. And how the place it just like a prison, they won't let her leave, she can't go outside on her own. Her 91 year old roommate got to go home, but she can't go home since the doctors have taken over her life. And it is really hard to hear this each time I call or see her, there is nothing I can do, this is where her health took her in her life, it is out of my control. I have spent the last 3 1/2 years trying to get her the help she needed and things are getting worse now.

So, I get to hear she is in a jail now, it is like a cell with lousy food and she is fine everyone else has dementia and problems. My brother who has refused and has done nothing in all of this, sees her, he saw her 1 day in the last 3 years for 40 minutes. So not even one day, 40 minutes in 3 years. But it is me, who she looks at and says it would be nice to see you.

It is really messing me up. Now I am skipping answering the phone and calling, it is so stressful. I am not 100 people. I am one person, the only person who has done anything to help, I have no one to count on to help, it's me.

So, when I find a place, I know it will go well, she needs memory care, she is not remembering things very recently now, and living decades ago. And I know they have training to talk to her and things for her to do, instead of her being with those who maybe broke their foot or something.

I just don't comment when she says she is in a prison.

Stuck in the middle

I'm sorry.  It hurts, because the stranger talking to you looks just like your mother.

Just remember, it is the dementia talking, not her.  You know she's not in a prison.  A NH resembles a prison only in that both have locked doors, and anyone who thinks differently has never visited a jail.

MonicaG

I’m so sorry. I’m in the same boat in that my mom takes everything out on me and I’ve stood by her side through everything. I’ve been her biggest advocate. But now I get blamed for her not being able to drive. We tried to have her go to memory care, but she refused and is also very upset with me. She overtook her medicine on two (that we know of but of course now that I think about it, it’s more than that) occasions so bad she couldn’t get out of bed. Out of curiosity, is your mom in skilled nursing because of overtaking medicine? See, that alone is why I was told she needs memory care, not to mention the other factors such as she doesn’t know her address, and is not supposed to cook and can’t drive. But a few family members came down on me for trying to place her in memory care. She also refused and we had a huge fight. She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s (stage 4). It’s like this dark cloud over my head waiting for the other shoe to drop.

WhatNow?

Oh, I feel like I really know how you feel.  I'm sorry and I know it is rough!

We just put my mom in assisted living/memory care about a month ago and until then she was living with either my sister or me.  Well now she doesn't think we are visiting her and almost in tears when she leaves us voice mail messages wanting us to come visit, even though we were just there yesterday.  We have even tried writing our visits down on a calendar, but it doesn't work.  I haven't found anything that works yet.  When we tell her we visited, she doesn't think that we saw her...that we just came to the facility and didn't hang out with her.  Also she says she is stuck in her one room and is going crazy (well she's half right there).  I know she isn't stuck in her room and is getting out and doing things at the facility because when I go to visit I usually find her out and about and not in her room.  Also, her phone calls have dwindled to only a couple a day from 20+ so I know they are keeping her occupied and the staff does say that she is doing better.

Even with understanding that what she is saying is not true, it is still emotionally and mentally draining. 

Unfortunately like you we have gone to screening our phone calls, because they just turn to her being upset that she is stuck in the place...I try to remember that isn't always her current state of mind, but it isn't easy.  

Hang in there.  Hopefully it helps to know that you aren't the only one that are dealing with these types of things.  You are doing your best to take care of her the right way and get her the care that she needs.  This disease just sucks!

search4innerpeace

I too know how you feel and I also do the majority of things for my mom vs other siblings.  My mom has been in a nursing facility for a year and half.  She asks to go home quite frequently and talks about how much she sleeps because there's nothing to do. Any you are correct, one person typically gets the brunt of it from the LO, but I have been told that is because who they feel the closest too.   When she makes these comments I validate her feelings and then I have 3 or 4 phrases in my back pocket that I repeat each time.  If she makes the comment again a few minutes later, I once again validate and use the same phrases consistently.   I also make sure I'm letting her know how much I love her in hopes she responds to that feeling more.  It is hard and messes me up too sometimes, but I know that I am doing the best that I can for her and I allow myelf to find some peace in that.

MPTosa

I got the “you put me in prison” for the four years my mother is in a MCF, but again when we brought her home because of Covid. I’ve come to realize that “the prison” and her desire to go home are really her anger that her mind isn’t working right. I’m the person who takes action, so I’m the one who is blamed. It is hard to endure, but know you are not alone.

Dave Cahail

I can totally relate to this too and there is no easy solution to it. As a retired program / project manager, it has taken me a long time to realize I can't fix this. 

My mother has been in a MC assisted living facility for three years now. She still complains about the food, there isn't enough to do, says she has no one to talk to, mentions she is going to try to figure out how to go home, has threatened to kill herself (we figured out she was telling us that due to her frustration and not just saying she is frustrated). But every time we talk to or visit her, it is obvious she is where she needs to be. Her short term memory is shot, she repeats a lot, can't make a decision about anything, is still a major fall risk, etc. 

I am her youngest child and also her POA. As such, I usually get the brunt of her complaints and demands but I also visit her the most of me and my siblings, bring her snacks and reading materials, take her shopping and to lunch. Like someone else mentioned, I think she feels closer to me so she feels that she can complain to me more too. I hate it sometimes. I have assigned a special phone ring so I know it is her calling and I can chose whether to answer or not. I know the facility will call me directly if there is any real problem. Mom has accused me of putting her away in the MC facility but my siblings and I always tell her that 'we' decided this for her so she is safe and comfortable. None of us can make her happy.

As someone else mentioned, we have to remember it is the dementia that is causing this behavior. It doesn't make it any easier thought. It is still tough to see someone that used to have so much vitality and capabilities just drift away. 

I recently told one of the MC staff members how hard it is to see my mother on this slow journey and to have to grieve over a much longer period of time versus my father who died  2 1/2 months after being diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. 

Hang in there and keep reaching out for an ear to listen to you and to request advice. I belong to a Alzheimers caregivers group that meets monthly and they have been wonderful. If you don't belong to one now, look into a group located near you. I also have used the 24x7 caregivers hotline that the Alzheimers group offers just run ideas and experiences past them - sometimes to prove to me I am not going crazy either.