Guilt of conservatorship

LevisHouse

I recently started the conservatorship process and I'm racked with guilt. I'm guessing I'm not the first person to experience this.

I'm in MN, my aunt is in CA. She had no children and became estranged from all of her family with the exception of me (my father, her brother, died 50 years ago) and to a lesser degree (although important), my sister. In March her driver's license was revoked when her physician reported to her to the DMV (with good reason). In April she went through an evaluation with a neuropsychologist and was diagnosed with unspecified dementia, which was not a surprise to any of us who have contact with her. As they say, she isn't going to accept this lying down! She is resisting all help and the diagnosis. She is fortunate to be living in a very small town with very kind and caring neighbors who are helping until I can get more regular care for her.

I have been preparing myself for this for more than a year and had already found an attorney who specializes in conservatorship. After spending the month of April with my aunt, it was clear that I needed to give the attorney the green light to start the process. My aunt will not accept help, she struggles with financial decisions, she isn't bathing or changing her clothes, and her nutrition is poor, at best. Additionally, she has some serious legal issues that she can no longer understand or reasonably make decisions about.

I feel good about all of the steps I've taken - the research, the preparation, the care, the outreach, the contacts. I have been speaking regularly with her childhood friend (they've been friends for 70 years!) and have her full support and kindness. But it is the emotional piece I'm struggling with. My aunt is going to be notified that I've filed for conservatorship and she is going to be feel so betrayed by me. I know that it is what needs to be done to protect and care for her. But it is such a yucky feeling and I'm dreading the moment she learns about it.

For those of you who have gone through this, what kept you going? How did things turn out on the other side?

harshedbuzz

LH-

Welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found the group.

When I was involved in a similar situation, though as a tertiary agent (the guardian and 1st back-up were in their 80s at the time), it helped to think of guardianship/conservatorship as something you are doing for your aunt rather than to her. You are taking steps to keep her safe, to keep her from being preyed upon by unscrupulous "friends" and scammers and you are preventing the state from assigning some professional guardian who will sell off her assets and sent her to the first facility that agrees to take her.

In your shoes, I would proceed with the courts. She likely has anosognosia- a condition many with dementia have that prevents them from knowing how impaired they are. In your aunt's mind, she is just as capable as she has always been to suggest otherwise, it to gaslight. It's best not to discuss, but to just take action. 

Depending on where she is in terms of cognition and executive function, it's unlikely she'll be able to take steps to prove in court she's capable of managing her own affairs. I have a friend whose dad did fight his efforts to get guardianship. I'm told this is unusual. Dad was a retired scientist with a lot of cognitive reserves. He lived in a cottage on the older son's property and saw a lot of dad who seemed to be slipping. The cottage had become and unsafe hoarder situation, bills weren't being paid, he was the victim of a couple scams, etc. Dad did have enough on the ball to actually see a lawyer to defend him in court, but they lost based on his performance in the court-ordered neuropsychiatric testing. Interestingly, as angry as dad was, he still came to dinner regularly and went to all the kids' ballgames with the family. 

You didn't ask, but it probably makes sense given the distance, to engage a geriatric care manager to be your eyes and ears in CA. It will likely be best to place your aunt in a MCF or AL for MC because it is nearly impossible to wrangle in-home care from that great a distance. Another alternative is to move her to a place near you. When my aunt got guardianship of her sister, she initially filed in the state where the PWD lived and then in her state so she could move her to a nice facility near where the guardian lived and worked. There's a temptation to want to keep a PWD in their familiar community, but most find friends drop off as the disease progresses and being near their caregiver/conservator makes more sense. 

Good luck.

HB

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aod326

Hi. It certainly sounds like you've put a great deal of thought and care into making these decisions. As others have said, there's no doubt you're doing the right thing for her future and you're doing it because you love her.

Sadly, you may need to steel yourself that she may feel betrayed. which may significantly change your relationship. I don't say that to make you feel worse, just to be ready for it. Even though I didn't have to deal with conservatorship, I had to do things to safeguard DH's safety, for which he hated me at the time.  But I couldn't let him do something dangerous - how would I have felt if he'd killed himself (or others) because I couldn't stand him hating me for not giving him his car keys? Another poster, Lady Texan, is currently dealing with a truly terrible situation as a result of safe-guarding her DH's safety.

In the case of my husband, his anger at me dissipated over time and I had no doubt whatsoever that he loved me.

Very best of luck in this tough time.

PS - love your profile pic!

  

Iris L.

Your aunt has anosognosia so there is no way you can rationalize anything with her.  Instead of approaching this as, you're old and losing your mind, which is how she probably views it, try this: you've worked hard all your life, let me make things easier for you and pamper you.  Talk up good things, like not having to cook or do housework, more time for fun activities.  Keep saying these things because she has a short attention span.  Don't talk about finances--out of sight, out of mind.  Also, Auntie, I miss you, I want you to live closer to me.  Read a lot of threads, this is common. 

 Iris L.

Dave Cahail

Great advice from others on this post. 

One question I have is do you know if your aunt has a durable power of attorney? This might play into the conservatorship you are trying to obtain. If she does have a DPOA, do you know if you are named as having the DPOA for her or is someone else named? Do you know who her attorney is or who the attorney is who drafted the DPOA? You might want to contact them and express your concerns. Get clarity on this as you begin the conservatorship process. 

LevisHouse

I really appreciate your advice, HB, and I've saying to myself over and over: I'm doing this for her. It was particularly helpful over the weekend when things blew up because a "friend" got together with my aunt and insisted they talk about the future and legal issues. *sigh*. My aunt was so distressed...

I've also connected with a dementia specialist at a senior services org in the area - she has been incredibly helpful. She is helping by assessing the level of care my aunt needs and helping me choose the right care giver/agency to help. 

LevisHouse

The legal papers aren't quite clear and I've been told the DPOA is her childhood friend who I'm in regular contact with (she is wonderful support). The childhood friend doesn't have paperwork but has been told she is DPOA (although what good is it if there is no paperwork?). I do know who the attorney is but there are extenuating circumstances that are making this a bit of a mess... Your message is a good one, though, and I appreciate the reminder.

LevisHouse

aod326 - the profile picture is from the sidewalk poetry that appears around my city

Thanks for your honesty - it was strangely helpful to read you say yep, she is likely going to feel betrayed - brace yourself." We might think we want to hear that it is all going to be OK, but it's a lot more helpful to be prepared for the truth.

DWV

Levishouse, reading through these posts leads me to only conclusion, you are amazing! You are extraordinary organized and dedicated to your aunt, she is lucky to have you!!