Should my mom still work

MonicaG

My mom (77) has Alzheimer’s (stage 4 diagnosed by neurologist). She’s been a beautician since out of high school. The neurologist said she shouldn’t work anymore. There were some issues last summer with scheduling her appointments and with time management and leaving wax on too long, etc. her boss even started mixing her colors for her and my mom was mad about that.  So obviously they knew something was up and started watching her closely. Anyway, fast forward to now, she can’t drive, can’t cook, she still lives alone because she refused assisted living.  She scored a 10 out of 30 on cognition.  My sister especially felt she shouldn’t work, that it’s not fair to the customer and just dangerous working with chemicals and such.  Since being told by neurologist that she shouldn’t work, she stopped going in. By the way, she does not need to work for financial reasons.  So money is not the issue. Since she’s been on Seroquel for the last 2 months, she’s been much more pleasant and happier and asked her boss if she could come back.  The boss said no. Now some members in our family are blaming me and my sister for my mom “losing her job” It’s like we’re the bad daughters, we stopped her from driving after a driving evaluation said she shouldn’t drive and now we’re responsible for her losing her job.  I’m kind of getting sick of all the guilt and being made out like an evil daughter. Would you let your loved one with Alzheimer’s (4) work on people’s hair?

star26

Working as a beautician? Absolutely not. It's horrifying just to think about. You and your sister did the right thing. These family members and their comments are just plain ignorant. Maybe offer to send them a book about dementia, or send them some links to information. You should not have to listen to comments like that, and after offering them some education I'd shut them down if it continued. You deserve a pat on the back and support for what you are doing for your Mom, not blame. And their communications with your mother should also be thoughtful so as to not cause you any issues by letting her focus on sore subjects or putting bad ideas in her head.

MonicaG

Thank you.  I find myself checking my own sanity. I’m just sick of feeling like I’m ruining my mom’s life. But thank you.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

harshedbuzz

I'm Team You and Sister. Strong work.

Sometimes doing the right thing is the toughest option. But I hear you on the weighing in of the family peanut gallery. Many of us have one of those in our lives. My dad's younger brother- he of "once-every-six-weeks-45-minute-drive-by" visit fame- played Devil's advocate with me over every. single. decision.

You did the right thing, as the very least you spared someone a really, really bad hair day. 

HB

Arrowhead

Problems on the job are what alerted me to my wife's condition. I didn't realize how bad she was until her shop steward informed me about her problems there. Sometimes she forgot to go to work, and when she did go, she often did her job wrong. It sounds to me like it is time for your mom to quit. People who do not deal with dementia every day often totally do not understand the situation. If those family members spend one day taking care of her they won't be so critical.

aod326

As others have said, sounds like you and your sister are absolutely doing the right thing.  Apart from how her customers might feel, how mortified would your mum be if she made a major mistake with a client's hair?

It's unfortunate and, sadly, widespread, that family and friends/neighbors feel free to criticize even though they interact with the PWD very little. You and your sister need to put up an emotional wall in your mind, because that unfounded criticism is likely to increase as your mum progresses. After a year or so of increasing frustration on my part, primarily at DH's family and their "suggestions", I decided that anyone could criticize what I was doing IF they also helped. No help = no consideration given to your comments.

Sounds harsh, but it helped me hugely by removing the second-guessing and frustration. I put together a "Team Michael", a sort of committee of people I knew really cared for him and me, and we discussed his care and decisions together. 

Good luck on this journey.

MonicaG

Thank you to all of you guys for your advice, support and personal relatable situations.  I am her POA and medical proxy and all of that.  I handle her bills and financial situation. She wrote out checks to unknown people in one week totaling over $1300.  She’s given her credit card number out 4 times.  I now handle all of that and give her some cash. My nephew who’s an addict was behind all of these shenanigans but I stopped it all. I know she has anosognosia for sure. And I guess I didn’t realize how common it is in other families that there are those who talk to her for five minutes over the phone and thinks she’s perfectly fine and those of us who have had her at every doctors’ appointment and have seen the confusion and forgetfulness and even psychosis and then they look at me and my sister like we’re nuts and think we just want to put her in a home.  Makes me so mad. I have tried to explain that this is a brain thing, her brain is broken. but when they talk to her for five minutes, she’s perfectly fine. Of course.  But thank you everybody. And I have learned soooooo much from this site and all of you wonderful people.  Thank you .  This site is my support and reassurance.

Rescue mom

You absolutely did everything right. I can’t imagine any salon would allow her to work, with all the chemicals, measuring, tools involved. What if someone had been really hurt, beyond the likelihood of a “bad hair”? Bad hair cuts grow, chemical burns not so much. Or bad color. I can think of so much bad potential.

I stillties  cry over a “friend” recent criticisms of my care for my husband with Alzheimer’s. This person would stop by for maybe 15 minutes, every couple months, and talk nonstop. Which was fine because DH cannot converse.  

All DH did was say hello, smile and nod. I am being very literal, that was ALL he said, plus a couple of “uh huhs” and “bye.” 

But after the last visit the person told me  DH acts  “just fine” and I either needed to stop being dramatic and/or find another doctor. “I can’t see a thing wrong with him,” he said. (DH was clean because I just bathed, dressed and fed him. He cannot drive, nor do any ADLs or IADLs and scored 12 on last test). 

If these critics would spend just one 24-hour day handling the needs of a PWD it might change their outlook. Even that doesn’t cover regular duties like groceries, finances, home maintenance, appointments and transport. They have no idea, yet they criticize. This was one of, maybe the, most difficult things for me to deal with. Which is probably why I’ve talked too much about it. But it’s just hard. Know at least you’re not alone, and people here understand.

I can usually tune it out, but this last one hurt. Try to not listen, or avoid such people, but that can be hard with family. It was so hard for me to deal with earlier, when fewer people knew, and DH always looked good in public. So many people think if they’re  not wheelchair bound and drooling, they’re ok.

Iris L.

Why are you all even listening to people who are not able to be realistic?  Constructive criticism is one thing, but the people you are listening to are not knowledgeable or experienced.  Why agitate yourselves?  Spend your time reading the wealth of shared information from the wonderful members here,   reading the online reading material and other pertinent reading material and watching pertinent YouTube videos.  Then the unsolicited "advice" will roll off your backs.  

Iris

JJ401

I’d be tempted to tell them that I have some errands to do on xyz day. If you come over that day Mom will be available to do your hair.

But, what I’d probably actually say that her neurologist said she should stop working. We are following doctor recommendation.

ButterflyWings

Oh Monica, I'm sorry for your anticipatory loss as your mom declines. We here, all know how that hurts. And when you have naysayers (ignorant folks pulling in the opposite direction) that just makes it so much harder. They should get educated first before challenging. I know many do not, though. Pet peeve alert! That trait really irritates me. 

You are not ruining your mom's life. Dementia's got that covered. You and your sister are making caring, responsible, sound, loving, informed decisions to help protect her -- and others -- as the illness does what it does. Bless you both for looking out for her quickly. Take over finances asap please. I could tell you stories =|, as could many of our forum mates.

My DH has anosognosia also, and just couldn't fathom that he had to stop working. But doc said, immediately. So we did. (I had to learn not to tell him everything, nor to ask.) Just do it with the help of the salon. (Maybe they have to close for several months due to covid and could send "all staff" a note?? (you could write/print & mail it yourself) - would have to clue folks in though... At some point, maybe she could volunteer at the adult day care to feel useful? Not doing chemicals or cutting hair but styling it? Just guessing here, though she will eventually not be able to do that either.

Anyway, I agree with the feedback that chemicals are a huge risk. Even the wrong product in someone's eyes (it could be hers) and you have way more than just a bad hair day. (Though harshedbuzz and jj401 had me rolling on the floor laughing with the drive by description for helicopter uncle, and the free haircut for any skeptical family members ). 

Here are 2 links that helped me SO much: Best of luck to you! Sorry but glad you're here.

1)Anosognosia is a real thing. This article helped me a lot.  6 Ways to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Know They’re Ill: Anosognosia in Dementia – DailyCaring

2)Read this excellent article if you haven't already, and share with interested family and friends. If they can't get on board after that, well...I learned early to ignore the useless folks. They don't get a vote anymore. Doesn't matter who they are. If they're not helpful, they're a liability. And you're going to need all your energy to deal with reality, not denial or wishful thinking, or foolishness. As the neurospych team told me: "You're in charge now". (Period.) And thankfully its clear you & your Sis have the right instincts!  

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

Kibbee

Regarding family weighing in with their opinions on what you should do / should not do / did wrong / etc.  Personally I find the easiest solution is that I simply do not share much information with them any more.  When I have shared in the past their comments did not help in any real or significant way, since they really do not understand what it is like to live day in and day out as a caregiver.  Once I came to this realization I started to keep most information to myself.  Now when they ask about DH a simple "He's doing fine", and a quick redirect to something in their lives takes care of it.   

For example, DH is going through some diagnostic workups right now that could result in a need for surgery.  Have I shared any of that?  No.  Have I had to listen to any of their opinions?  No!  And it's been just fine.  In fact, if he does need surgery I am seriously considering not saying a word about the entire situation until it is completed and he is back at home.