Caregiving when the caregiver travels

lovemyfamily

Hi! 

I am new to this group and not great at searching through the previous posts. I am the primary caregiver for my parent who lives with my family of 6. We would like to take a vacation and need to arrange for caregiving. Options include one of my siblings coming to stay with Mom in my home, Mom going to stay with one sibling for the 10 days we would be gone, bringing in caregivers from an agency, finding a facility that offers short term care or piecing together caregiving in my home from friends. I know this is a hard thing to comment on when you do not know my mom. The best case scenario for her would be for me to not go on the family vacation and simply stay with her so as not to change her routine or surroundings. However, I know she would not want to hold our family back from spending time together and I do not want to miss out on making memories with my husband and school age children. A little more background, mom has had dementia for many years and is in mild/moderate range depending on the day. She is basically independent/needs cuing for all ADLs. She moved in with us about 8 months ago after my father died. They had lived in their home for 20 years and were married for over 50. I guess what I am asking is what have other families done. I am not sure where to start : )  Thank you!!!

Cynbar

It's a little hard to comment here, because I don't know the parties involved. I'd be careful of piecing together something, too many moving parts where something could fall through. Taking care of someone with moderate or worse dementia can be a real challenge to someone who isn't used to it (and also to someone who is!.) Utilizing friends would probably be my last choice, it seems too much to ask of someone who is not family. How reliable, patient and experienced is the sibling who might come stay at your home? If she went to a sibling's home, is that person experienced and is the household calm, since change can be upsetting to a dementia patient.? You don't want to worry while on vacation and you certainly don't want to be called to come home, so be careful if you leave your mother with a caregiver. I made the decision to book a 2 week respite memory care  for my DH when I had hip surgery, I wanted to be secure in the knowledge that he was well cared for with trained and experienced caregivers. It was pricey but he did fine, the staff was used to helping new arrivals settle in. Talk to some places in your area, most were open to respite stays when I needed it. Please don't miss the family vacation to stay with her, it's so important to have time with your family and take care of yourself, not just your mother although sounds like you are doing a great job.

MimiMinder

Welcome to this group! I can't say that I have direct experience with this issue, as we didn't take any trips during the short time my mother lived with us, but I think Cynbar had some great points. 

The bottom line is that you need your mom to be safe and well cared for while you are gone. I don't know if that would happen with a patchwork of people and agencies each doing a portion. Someone or some facility needs to be in charge so you can get away with your family. Make memories now, for the kids will be grown and gone before you realize it!

Good luck!

zauberflote

Hi csf, welcome! Neither MIL nor Mom lived with me. MIL had 24/7 in-home care for 5 years-- and 3 daughters plus me and DH, all heavily involved in care and care decisions. There was always able to be at least one someone "in town and on call" if things were to go south. All but DH were retired-- a fair amount of travelling went on!

Mom lived first in AL 600 miles from me, then MC near me. My family is smaller and grown-er. I took several family vacations while Mom was in MC, and was comfortable with being less than 24 hours from her bedside-- a quick plane flight would get me home. That would only be needed in the event of a hospitalization or some sudden failing in physical health.

Here's a philosophy I developed when my kids were young, during a period when I had lost two family-style in-their-home babysitters in a row and couldn't find another good one: "throw money at the problem after exhausting your time". In your case, money thrown would be at a respite stay in a local facility. You would be much more in a mood to be a happy camper if you weren't always waiting for that call from your sib-- "Mom did xyz, what do I do now?", or something even worse. 

star26

I’ve used three of your options: a friend staying at the house, a private professional caregiver and an agency coming into the house (both were already providing care to my Dad before the trip), and bringing my Dad to a respite facility. The friend option was a “never again” experience for both me and my Dad, specifically because of the lack of experience and knowledge of the friend. My Dad didn’t even have any major needs at the time but it was still a problem. Even with familiar and professional caregivers staying in my home, I still had to do a lot of prep work and contingency planning and then I was never fully at ease, worrying what would happen if someone got sick or something unexpected happened, etc.  The respite facility was the best for me: the least prep work and the least stress by far. I could actually relax, before and during my trip. Once I tried the facility, I used them for all subsequent trips. It was expensive: $355/dy, but well worth it to me. It was a relief actually. 

sunnydove

I'd think having a family member come stay would be the best bet. 

I live with my mom and travel for work. Because of the virus, I lost my job. When I tried to go back I had been with her 24/7 so long it was hard for her to go back to having a caregiver. A change of surroundings (going to a family member's house) is the least attractive situation as it is way too disruptive. If you can have a family member come in, she will still be able to have the same surrounds and mostly the same routine. And you can facetime her if she's missing you. So if you do, take advantage of it and give yourself a much needed break!

sunnydove

star26 wrote:

I’ve used three of your options: a friend staying at the house, a private professional caregiver and an agency coming into the house (both were already providing care to my Dad before the trip), and bringing my Dad to a respite facility. The friend option was a “never again” experience for both me and my Dad, specifically because of the lack of experience and knowledge of the friend. My Dad didn’t even have any major needs at the time but it was still a problem. Even with familiar and professional caregivers staying in my home, I still had to do a lot of prep work and contingency planning and then I was never fully at ease, worrying what would happen if someone got sick or something unexpected happened, etc.  The respite facility was the best for me: the least prep work and the least stress by far. I could actually relax, before and during my trip. Once I tried the facility, I used them for all subsequent trips. It was expensive: $355/dy, but well worth it to me. It was a relief actually. 

I am so jealous! I pay $300 to have someone in home for 12 hours! Where do you live? What a great deal!