Dealing with anger

Jude4037

My DH was always a laid back guy. We never fought or called each other names. Exception goofy ones. But he gets angry a lot, some times for long periods , some quick out bursts. I have some meds that seem to help but can’t be used on a regular basis. And if it turns out to be a bad one he won’t take drugs.....at least not from me. It’s always directed at me. He uses language that never crossed his lips pre Dementia. Luckily I have a son near by who will come over if it’s bad. Just the presence of someone else is good. He is himself with others and will actually get in a place where I can see him but they can’t and he’ll scowl at me. If it’s bad I have left and when he settles a bit my son will ask if I can come home and he’s ok with that. They are getting more frequent and volatile . Any suggestions.

CaringMate

Jude, what you are experiencing is sadly all too normal.  The caregiver is almost always the one who gets the brunt of the anger even if the loved one never used foul language in the past.  Caregivers are often viewed as "prison guards" in the mind of the dementia patient and the one who stands in the way of them wanting to do what they want to do.  There are certain medications that will help with the anger and I would offer that you check with his PCP or Neurologist and see what they will recommend.  My partner was placed on Celexa for his issues with anger directed only towards me and at least initially it helped to mellow and relax him.  In time that stopped working and he was placed on harder medications, but it did offer assistance in the early stages of the disease.  I'm sorry you are going through this, but like so many of us we have had to realize that the anger and harsh words are disease directed and coming from a distorted brain and not really the man you know and love.

Doityourselfer

When my husband is in his agitated state, he curses at me non-stop.  He also spits at me or whatever is in front of him.  When this happens I put on my headphones and listen to music staying away from him until he calms down.  He has been taking seroquel (quetiapine) since 2016, started off with very low doses and is currently up to 100 mg three times a day.  It sedates him and I can't imagine life without it at this point in time.  This rotten disease causes him to be very unpredictable.

1962ART

For me, this is the hardest part of this terrible disease.  The DH I married was the nicest, sweetest man to be around.  Everyone he met loved his sense of humor, his caring, his willingness to help all he could.  Enter AZ, VD and a FT stroke and that man is largely gone.  It has taken me some time to adopt the good advice contained in this post.  He yells at me for always telling him what to do.  When there is a mistake made, he gets furious at me and then will sulk.  He will alternate between calling doctors quacks (behind their backs) and at other times listening to them.  He thinks I am cruel when I tell him his shoe size.  He insists he is a size shorter (probably when he was younger) and buys shoes that we later have to donate.  His eating habits have totally changed so that he has gained 25-30 pounds.  Larger clothes are out of the question to him.  He is very solicitous about every scratch he has (better than hiding injuries from me.). But forgets that I have health problems as well.  I asked doctor for stronger/better anti-depressants.  This seems to help.  Luckily, our daughter lives with us and she helps me let things go and can mention to DH when he is being verbally abusive.  My best to all of you struggling through this with me.  And I know that people who are far beyond this stage would trade me in a minute.  Bless you for the caregiving you give your LO every minute of every day.

aod326

Gosh 1962, you're so right. The rage stage with DH was horrendous, even with ever-increasing dosage of Seroquel, and I had to mentally detach myself totally from it. But oh how I wish I could have him back, even at that stage.  I read, with great understanding and sympathy, people's sadly all too frequent posts about anger, and really want to say "but at least you can still hear his voice". Of course I don't say that, because that's zero help when you're in that stage, and it can feel never-ending. But it was somehow comforting to read your comment about trading places.

Jude, my DH was the most easy-going guy before (and after) the rage stage; a couple of things I did that helped us get through it. I totally shut off mentally when he started raging. I'd let him yell and stomp around, and just stay calm and not really involved. I'd agree with him and do lots of "yes, hm, really" type of answers.  (I actually surreptitiously recorded him on my phone a few times and when I listen back now, I'm amazed at how calm I sounded!) The other thing is that I removed anything with a blade. I hid two cooking knives and a pair of scissors in a place he couldn't find, washing them and hiding them again immediately after use, but every other knife/scissors/gardening implement was hidden. I also locked away the car keys in a lock box, put the key to the lock box in a drawer, hidden underneath something, because when he was raging he wanted to drive. It was a bit of a pain to go through the whole rigmarole when I was going out in the car, but well worth it.

Also, when he raged, he would often walk out, headed for a bar. (He had no money, and had been sober for 20 years, but that was where he wanted to go.) I would get in the car and follow him, without him knowing, then, when he turned back, I'd manage to get the car in the garage before he got home, so he didn't know he was being followed. When he got back he would usually lock himself in the bedroom, so I ended up duck taping over the locks. But he would calm down after 30 mins or so in the bedroom. (Until the next rage a couple of hours later...)

Good luck.

Kevcoy

I have read in the forum and heard about the anger issues being directed at the one closest the the person suffering and have experienced it first hand as well.  Along with his anger comes his desire to leave me or have me move out of "his house".  This may seem harsh but just once I would love it if he would go on an anger tirade on his mother who is in complete denial about his condition saying I'm overreacting.  There is one place where he shows his anger which is concerning that I call his Grumpy Old Man, Get Off My Lawn personality.  Since Covid of course there are many more people out and about walking in our neighborhood.  This drives him wild saying things like, they need to walk in their own neighborhoods or I'm going to call the police on these people because they are scoping out our homes to break into them.  We have a small pond in our front yard that people like to stop and look at the goldfish which is fine with me but he has been known to go out and tell them to get away from the pond and get out of the neighborhood.  I'm afraid that someday he will say something to the wrong person and it could get ugly.  It's just so tiring.

Battlebuddy

   I’m sorry you are going through this stage. I also agree it is the worst part of the journey for me so far. We are also going through it and it is not easy to be calm and not react. I can do it all day but when it is late in the day and I am tired , it’s very hard.I have told him off a couple times which snapped him out of it. It’s also sad when he comes to me and apologizes and says he is just stupid. One time he told me in a moment of clarity. “ I’m sorry, I think my brain must be broken” Such a sweet man who never got angry about anything before Alzheimers. I am getting better at it as time goes on. I too have learned to leave the room pr go out in the garden, or sometimes just take the hit and apologize for whatever he is mad about.

   Also we were offered Ativan by the neurologist as well as upping his Mirtazapine, for anxiety and depression. It helped. Of course like others have said he can be nice to family when we hunt them down ( who basically are MIA ) and then he will turn to me with a scowl . Just once once I would love for them to get the brunt of the anger- not me who had stood by him.  

Jude4037

Leaving when my husband is angry quite often helps both of us since just the sight of me makes him angry at times.A few years ago I asked him at a moment when he was calm if he knew he was doing that and he said yes but I can’t seem to stop. Early on he would apologize over and over but not so much now as soon as he calms down he has no memory of what went on.Some days he is weepy and cries telling me or the kids he’s sorry for causing so many problem. I know he’s in there somewhere but disappearing more and more. I can leave the room but he follows being angry and shoving me out of the house. He is current in the hospital because after getting physical I left and sat in the drive to watch the house in case he left and after a couple hrs I got a call from the police that he had fallen and was a block away. He had gone out the back door. And this was at 2am. He has taken off a lot and will not get in the car with me when he does. My son used to be able to get him in his car but that isn’t working most of the time now. In the hospital he wasn’t going to stay after being stitched up but after a few hours they got him to. Now he is being medicated to the point he sleeps most of the time.

I have alarms on the doors but he checks the doors over and over at night opening them and relocking  them. The alarm really makes him mad so I don’t set them most of the time. 

We cannot afford MC and I dread his return home. He’s not safe here and neither am I. Do I ease up on whatever they have him on so I don’t have him falling again or sit and wait for the next outburst. Sometimes a simple statement gets him going and other times he’ll come out from the bedroom fist drawn and threatening and nothing has been said. At an earlier stage I’d tell him over and over how much I loved him but now even that at times gets a negative reply like you don’t know what love is and he’s off.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….I don’t feel strong. I feel sad and angry at the situation.

M1

Jude, ask for a psych evaluation and admission while hes there, and tell them you're not safe at home. Ask the hospital social workers to help. If you can't afford private pay memory care, they can help you figure out alternatives.

Crushed

posted this in another thread but I'll repeat it here(third time)

I have said this before I will say it again.

No one is "entitled" to a personal caretaker whom they can abuse and control.

   Even if the abuse and control are a product of the disease.

 We never believed in traditional "marriage vows" but the traditional formula always required you to "love honor and cherish"

I adored DW but even I had to say that if she acted in certain ways I would no longer be her caretaker. (note these never involved threats or abuse but failure to cooperate).

You should see a lawyer and a therapist  YESTERDAY 
Ive been on this road 11 years

 and for Kevcoy who wrote
This may seem harsh but just once I would love it if he would go on an anger tirade on his mother who is in complete denial about his condition saying I'm overreacting.

Send her this  

 
Domingo Ortega

Bullfight critics ranked in rows Crowd the enormous Plaza full; But he's the only one who knows— And he's the man who fights the bull.

Tell her she is not entitled to an opinion till she has had sole care for a week.   

 


  

HSW

Hi Jude, medication will help. I went thru years of rage just trying to get him to go to a doctor. I thought he had paranoid delusions until memory issues and confabulation became apparent. I told my son to always agree with him so DH's rage would not be directed at him. I kept a log of the things DH did, believed and the stories he made up. I gave this to the doctors since any mention of danger to me or anyone else made him walk out. Once all the diagnose visits were over he was put on Citalopram HBR 10mg every morning and Quetiapine. So once the medicine started working, I changed and his pain was eliminated, he calmed.

LisaBH

It's been a long time since I've been in this forum, but I returned because the situation has become so stressful and I just feel alone. My husband has early-onset Alzheimer's and the angry outbursts have become more frequent. He's been on Citalopram for years but now I give him 0.25mg risperidone "as needed". It's tricky - I don't want to give it to him on a regular basis because it leaves him more confused and I'm afraid he is going to fall. However, one night I was afraid he was thinking of how to harm me. I watch carefully for signs and give it before it gets out of control. There will probably come a time when I will just need to give it daily.

I now have a lock on the spare bedroom with a window I can climb out of if needed. My phone is with me and charged at all times. I've hidden knives and scissors and other sharp tools. The episodes occur in the evening and/or during the night. Walking away and waiting for him to "cool down" no longer works.

Because home health care assistance is so expensive, I recently retired. As a college instructor my job did not end once I got home and he requires much more attention and care. Financially we should be okay, but the anger episodes make me question everything. I've told only a few people that I retired because I don't want to hear "happy retirement"! They have no idea what this is like. And, I hate to say this, but most people don't want to hear about it.