How will she grieve?

MPTosa

Hello,

This is an odd question and I’m not sure this is the right forum. My mom has Alzheimer’s and has recently returned to a MCF. My dad, her husband of 56 years, entered hospice this week. He is not actively dying, but has COPD and the doctors have run out of ideas. 

 I’m worried about how my mom will be when my dad dies. The nurse at her MCF said she often worries about how my dad is doing. Will she be able to understand that he’s gone?

Has anyone experienced this or encountered literature on memory loss and grief?

Thanks

lovemyfamily

I am currently living a similar situation. My father recently passed away and my mother currently lives with me. They were also married for 50+ years. I have not read any literature and can only speak from my experience. She does ask about going home, when dad is going to pick her up, when a sibling is going to taker her home, can we call and talk to dad. When she first moved in with me it was rather frequently, over the months the requests have significantly decreased. I try to tell her the same thing the same way each time she asks to help solidify in her mind that he has passed. She recently asked me again for the first time in at least a month, it was hard because I wasn't expecting it. I simply told her again that dad had died and that she lived with me now and then told her how much we really enjoy having her with us. I am sorry not to have more to offer other than to let you know you are not alone in this experience.

harshedbuzz

MP Tosa-

I am sorry for the situation in which your family finds itself.

Most of the PWD I know had already lost their spouse when diagnosed, so they had gone through the usual stages of grief. As their disease progressed they sometimes forgot their spouses, as well as parents, siblings, etc, had passed. The advice given here is to tell them once and then perhaps resort to redirection and fiblets to avoid a scenario where they experience the grief of being told over and over. 

That said, my late sister's MIL had dementia when her husband of 65 years died. They had lived apart for about 15 years in part because she had mental health issues which got more intense in the earlier part of the disease. Her kids did make sure they saw one another every week or two which worked well. I would guess mom was about stage 5 when dad died. She attended the visitation, funeral and luncheon after always with one of her daughters at her elbow. The mother's behavior was unusual for the widow at a funeral; it was as if she forgot why everyone had gotten together and was enjoying herself being the center of attention. I think most folks understood that she probably didn't fully appreciate why she was there and certainly did not judge her, but I know her behavior made her children uncomfortable.

I have a dear friend who is in a similar situation as yours at the moment. His dad is actively dying and his mother, who lives in a MCF and presents as pleasantly confused, will be losing her DH of 60 some years. It's going to be hard for all involved. 

HB

ButterflyWings

I am sorry you both are facing this additional impending loss. Below are 2 links I found. One is an article and the other is a thread from prior posts here on this topic.

Death of a spouse is not something I have dealt with, but my DH's brother died when he was Stage 5. We decided not to tell him. This was at the height of covid and no large funeral allowed which he wouldn't have understood and would have forgotten the same day. I don't think there was even a vaccine yet, so the 10 who could attend did so at their own risk. DH loved his sib dearly but typically saw him only 1x a year, during holidays. We all had been quarantining for a while so it was easier to just redirect when the conversation came up. 

A year later, (now in Stage 6b-c) DH occasionally still decides out of the blue that "he needs to call or go see his sib -- who is ill" (he's right, he was) and I calmly divert and delay...blame it on covid restrictions, or say we'll go tomorrow, or that BIL called while DH was asleep (or someone else called) and said he's doing much better. 

At first the other sibs had to be convinced to cooperate but I shared a couple of links with them too. This was absolutely the right thing for us, after seeing feedback here, that facing the "new" news of a LO's passing each time can be cruel, actually. Since these LOs in the original post are in MC it seems they are later stage, thus the time that its recommended to avoid telling painful truths they can't process anyway. Wishing you well.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/supporting-person-dementia-during-bereavement#:~:text=If%20the%20person%20is%20in,be%20appropriate%20to%20tell%20them.

Death of a spouse of Alz patient

*You can search for more posts like this one using the button at top right of the page after signing in. (I used the Search term 'death of a spouse' -Exact Phrase and saw several). Hope this helps.

Arrowhead

She may not accept that he had died. My wife lost both of her parents in 2003 and she thinks they are still alive. She spent over a year trying to "go home" to them. She still talks about them as if they are still alive and will not accept it if I tell her that they are gone. If your mother accepts his death at the time, she will probably forget later. However she grieves for him the first time, she will probably do so again. If the news of his passing becomes too hard for her, then the best thing to do will be to play along and talk about him as though he is still alive. If she accepts his death without too much grief, then it probably won't hurt to mention it to her again if she asks about him again. If she grieves too hard or will not accept it, then the best thing to do is to not mention it again and to answer her as if he is still around. That's what I have to do.

Stuck in the middle

Depending on her condition when he dies, you may not even want to tell her.  I had to tell my mother when my brother died, because she was still sharp enough to understand it and to notice he wasn't visiting at the NH.  I didn't tell her when her sister died a couple of years later, because I didn't have to.

Jude4037

Both of my in-laws were in a Nursing faculty when he passed.We told my mother in law  and she didn’t say much just that’s too bad. Two days later her brother passed and once again we felt we should tell her. To our surprise she was very upset and asked questions about it. And thinking back I doubt she knew her husband but did remember  she had a little brother.  She always knew my name but told people we went to school together A lot will depend on her clarity that moment. 

My husband sometimes is upset because he hasn’t gone to see his parents in a long time. I avoid telling him they passed 20 yrs ago but sometimes I feel I need to so he isn’t so hard on himself for not seeing them. 

MNPS

We just went through this with my mother in the last two months.  My father was her caregiver and they worked so well together as a pair, I think he covered for her to the point that we didn't realize how bad off she was.  He suddenly passed unexpectedly at the beginning of May so we had to move her into an assisted living w/ memory care likely in her near future.  She hasn't really grieved, to be honest.  The day he died, she cried some, but I felt like she was more upset that my brother and I were upset.  We immediately moved her to the new place - the first few days she would pack her suitcase and say things like "I'm just waiting on dad so we can get on the road!"  I think she thought she was in a hotel.  So we would just say "Oh don't worry about him, we want you stay here a little longer!"  That worked well and she diid finally stop packing the suitcase.  When my aunts call her, she tells them how much her and dad like their new condo.  Two weeks ago we had dad's memorial service.  She did show some emotion there, but it wasn't as much as one might expect.  Not as much as my brother and I showed for sure.  When we took her back home, my brother made the mistake of leaving the extra memorial programs and guest book with her.  The next day she called him (she never makes phone calls) and said "I'm really sad about the death." so he realized his error and went and took the items out of the apartment.  She's been fine ever since, though she still leaves notes for dad when they take her to the dining hall "Honey they took me to dinner, will be back in 30 minutes".  We just go with it.  It's pretty sad to watch, but in her reality he's still alive, so we are just going to let her think that.  In some ways I almost prefer it this way, at least she's not sad AND suffering dementia.