My Mom did not recognize me

Istoppedescaping

Hi, I am really upset. Yes I know this would happen and just need help. I don't want to see her anymore and it's breaking my heart. Any suggestions, please respond. God bless

star26

You still know who she is. That could be why you still visit her.  I understand the pain that your Mom can no longer be a Mom to you. But in my experience the pain and feeling of loss is much worse after the parent dies. Right now, you still have her even if she doesn’t recognize you.  There may be a time you wish you could see her again regardless but it will be impossible. As I said, YOU still recognize HER even with the disease and you still love her and you can still hug her or have coffee with her even if she doesn't recognize you. It's kind of like the reverse of when she loved you as a newborn baby and you had no clue who she was.   

Know that you’re not alone in your tears and heartbreak. I'm sorry for your pain.   

Quilting brings calm

Why continue to visit?  

Because she still needs an advocate.  Someone to check on her, bring her treats, etc.  someone to stop and say hi to her.  Doesn’t have to be long visits, but still visits.  Maybe it’s no more than 10-15minutes and maybe its only weekly and phone calls to staff in-between. 

BassetHoundAnn

Every time my mom has taken a turn for the worse, experienced a sudden slide in cognition and behavior, there have been hurtful aspects and many times I've questioned as you are 'why am I visiting her anymore? I don't want to visit anymore.' But I put in the forefront of my mind the image of the mom I loved desperately as a little girl, the mom I would do anything for, the mom I couldn't live without. She is not that woman anymore. Alzheimer's has left only remnants of that wonderful woman. Still I remember the mom that was and know that I must be there for her and protect her, even when she keeps saying hurtful, crazy things. I owe her that. Yeah, it's really tough. Hugs!

Istoppedescaping

You are so right, thank you for responding to me. I am so grateful you took the time to comment.

Istoppedescaping

Hi quilting, you are right. Thanks so much. I will continue and take your advice. Thanks so much.

Istoppedescaping

Hi Basset hound, Thank you and you are so right. I will continue. God bless

lizziepooh

Your mom not recognizing you is not the end of the world. And it is not unexpected. This is the disease.

So why the reaction you are having? Have you been hoping for an out? No judgment, just wondering.

harshedbuzz

This is one of the cruelest aspects of the disease. It's painful for you both, for sure.

In addition to visiting in order to be her advocate and protector, you are now charged with holding your shared memories for both of you. 

When this happened to a friend, she took to announcing who she was as she entered into an interaction with her mom. "Hi mom, it's your daughter Mary home from work". It seemed awkward at first- walking into your own living room and introducing yourself- but it did seem to center her mom. 

HB

Deanna_M

It's so painful when a LO moves to the next awful stage of the disease. The first time my mother did not recognize me was heartbreaking.

I offer two thoughts:

1) This may not be the end of your LO recognizing you. You may find that the next time you visit, she will know you. I found that as my mother declined, her ability to recognize me varied from one visit to the next. Some days she was great, other days not so much.

2) I also found that even if my mother did not recognize me, she seemed to understand that I was special and was different than the aides and nurses who cared for her. My mom never recognizes me now, but everything she does and says tells me that she knows I am special.

Hang in there-

Istoppedescaping

Hi Deana, such wise words. I really appreciate the response. God Bless

Istoppedescaping

Hi, Lizzie. Yes I was looking for a way out. Not anymore because of this site and the wonderful people on here like you. Thanks and God Bless!

Istoppedescaping

Hi harshed.  I did announce myself, however this time she did not laugh like she always does. I believe I was fooling myself that she still knows who I am because I made her laugh. I have accepted that she is someone new like someone said on this post. I really appreciate the response. Thanks

mommyandme (m&m)

Deanna M shares my perspective.  My mother hasn’t been able to recall or say my name for a couple of years, yet she knows I’m hers ( “she made me” is her description). But there are times that she doesn’t know I’m her daughter.  Fortunately so far, we have more days when she knows than not.  

I wouldn’t give up, although grieving these losses is normal and uncomfortable.  

Sorry for your pain.

N00dles

That is hard; I went through it with my grandma, and now dread the day my Dad doesn't recognize me. This disease is horrible. 

Maybe next time you visit/call try to approach it as being a friend.

WV

Deanna M nailed it. When my dad went into MC, the director told us that even if he didn't recognize us, he would probably be happy to see us, and that turned out to be the case. And on one visit, after he had been there for a few weeks, the caregiver asked him if he knew who we were and he said, "Of course, that's my son and daughter." We were stunned! AZ isn't always linear; it zigs and zags.

abc123

During a visit to the nursing home my granny said to my daughter, Oh I wish I could remember who you are because I really like you! She meant it with all her heart, she was extremely happy to see my daughter every time. It was truly beautiful to me.

ButterflyWings

Hi Istoppedescaping. I'm glad the replies here have given you some comfort. This forum is a treasure, though no one would wish to need it - we count on it.

I remember that first time, vividly. Like you, I was upset, knew it would happen at some point, but was not ready for it. In fact, I was devastated. Couldn't have escaped if I'd wanted to, as I am 24/7 caregiver for my DH at home. But I didn't want to anyway, I just wanted things (DH) back the way they were before. Not happening.

Fast forward almost a year and a half I guess...? And sometimes he knows me (sort of), sometimes not. The pendulum swings all throughout the day. I may be "wife" or he calls me by my name. Or, his conversation lets me know he thinks I'm his sister, daughter, cousin, visitor, or even his son! I am eternally grateful every time, that it is someone he likes (even loves) and does not either fear, distrust, or dislike (me/us/them). Dementia really changes the caregivers' thinking and perspective on things too! Keep visiting and try not to have any expectations if that's possible. 

Kenzie56

Do you have a photo album from when you were a child? (Especially pictures of you and your mother together) Old pictures helped me. My LO remembered me at an earlier time and that opened up stories and gave me comfort that I was still in there somewhere - maybe not as a grown woman, but a young child..

sunnydove

One thing to consider, just because she didn't know you this time, that doesn't mean she won't know you ever again. Yes, this is a progressive disease. First time my mom didn't recognize me was over a year ago. Sometimes she thinks I'm her mom. Sometimes she's knows I'm her daughter. Sometimes she asks where I am when I'm right in front of her. But if you stop seeing her now, you'll miss all the remaining times she will know you. And even when my mom doesn't know me, she typically at least knows I'm a safe, trustworthy person. I'm happy to provide that for her since it would be a scary world to live in when you don't know anyone.

Istoppedescaping

Thanks Sunny