Self care while DH is in the psych hospital

LadyTexan

I had a minor meltdown on Friday, when I could no longer ignore the fact that DH may not be returning to our home. 

God has put several angels in my life that have basically ordered me to rest and relax this weekend and practice self care. It does not come natural to me (except for the bubble baths). I am actively doing some stress reduction exercises, for example:

• holding ice in my hand while I do deep breathing.
• screaming into a wash cloth.
• drinking herbal tea to sooth my throat after the screaming.

I'm spending lots of time playing with the dog. He misses DH so much. I have been doing some scrapbooking and some reading. I replanted one of my plants.

I have spoken with DH twice. The psych hospital is not allowing any visits from anyone. That makes the decision about going to see him very easy.

I miss DH so very much. Regrets pop into my head, for example: not making him happy enough. I am learning to push those thoughts out of my mind because his extreme frustration is likely due to his damaged brain and there is no use crying over spilt milk. I need to rally my energy for the future, not the past.

I have been researching the nearby facilities. I've been talking to my siblings. 

Thank you all for your wise words and the knowledge you so graciously share. I appreciate you.

M1

Sending warm wishes your way LT. Not your fault that he wasn't happy, I'm sure on some level you know that. You have done everything you could.....in the face of great difficulty.

Cathy123

Dearest LadyTexan, sounds like you are experiencing "another first" which I label "firsts" as Im always shocked, in disbelief, and always reflecting my contributions to escalating the situation. I read many posts you have posted being supportive and informative. You are a strong lady and have a wonderful gift of conversing, reaching out, and making a difference.

I am assuming this recent change is the "first" in the Psych ward? 

I highly suggest you give yourself some much needed down time. Meaning, dont THiNk. Let go of the paranoia. Make your mind and body rest. Sounds so selfish right? Take advantage of this moment for you. The decisions and what ifs will undoubtedly come. If you have the luxury of a couple days...

My heart and prayers go out to you my fellow caregiver. 

Quilting brings calm

LT - it’s going to take some time to feel comfortable in your empty nest. You’ve been so busy taking care of DH that your brain can’t process what to do next.  You will get there,  do what  feels right in the meantime. Scream, stare at the wall,  walk, read.  Your time will still not be your own for a while as you research and then settle your spouse wherever he goes next.  But soon you  can decide on what to do with your time. I know you retired to take care of DH.   Is that something you still want to be?  As to making him happy…. a person with dementia  can’t feel happy because they are too frustrated, Anxious,  and confused.  No one could have  made him happy. Now what needs to be done is to keep him safe.

Jeff86

LT, you are handling this crisis with amazing aplomb.  You are right to view the immediate present as an opportunity for (well deserved, maybe badly needed) self care.  You have approached this deeply regrettable turn of events with the same combination of kindness and thoughtfulness that’s clearly been a hallmark of your entire caregiving experience.  What a gift to be both kind-hearted and hard-headed.  Rest, and heal, as you conduct your research.

No guilt for not making him happy enough.  That was and is beyond your power.  I’m reminded of what I’m told they teach you about alcoholism at Al-Anon:  you didn’t cause your DH’s AD, you can’t control your DH’s AD, and you can’t cure your DH’s AD.

You are doing an absolutely spectacular job under incredibly difficult circumstances. I admire you and support you.

ButterflyWings

Dear LT - you are strong, worthy, and capable of surviving, overcoming, and thriving. 

I know you know this, that we are powerless to make anyone else happy. Each person is responsible for their own happiness and for many people even without dementia, it is a hallmark of abusive relationships to demand otherwise. [In my experience,] it is hard to get off that merry-go-round. But you are well on your way. You inspire others, as you step into the leading role of your own life, versus a supporting role of someone else's. You are amazing.

My DH is terminal as are all our LOs with dementia. I thank God he was never violent or abusive even emotionally or psychologically, so I'm able to focus 'only' on developing the slow detachment I must accomplish, to survive his AD while caring for him in ways that do not totally lose myself. So hard. I've just begun searching for in-home help, and will see how long that can work. If not possible to care for him (and me) well, at home for the duration, I will have to let him go into a professional space to help him live the last phase of his life while I recreate my future which already is just me... [no longer a couple]...even though he is physically in the recliner next to me. Letting go of what I had thought would be, is important healing and "me" work. Wishing you all the angels, support, encouragement, and time you/we all need, to accomplish this.

I am so glad both you and your DH are getting prioritized right now. Because you both have been impacted deeply by this series of events, you most of all since you were the sole person able to troubleshoot, plan for safety for both, and basically be in charge of getting help for a non-tragic outcome. You deserve so much care and support to offset the incredible stress of all you have lived through and managed so well under the circumstances! Kudos to you.

I am thinking about the dynamics of power and control right now and all of how to survive the loss of a love, complicated with the dynamics of what I think can certainly be identified as PTSD given all that you have lived and managed through in the last year alone! Definitely wondering if there are specific healing ideas for self-care when there  may have been patterns of power and control over time. Because all that that makes it more challenging to break the cycle of how we may feel in our heads, even once the situation changes for the better. Wishing you well. You are an inspiration.

Mint

(((Lady Texan))). May you be blessed to find peace in the storm.

Joe C.

LT, I would say this is one of those “Let Go & Let God” moments. You have done everything you could possibly do to care for your husband and for the moment it’s time to leave his care to others. I know you know that there is only one person whose happiness you can control so have no guilt about the past, although I know that is easier said than done. Take this time for some much needed self healing.

David J

LT, I wish I had your strength and sense of purpose. You are one tough Texan, with a big heart.

Pam BH

Lady Texan, ditto what Joe C said, let go and let God.  I'm so thankful for the grace you've shown through this entire journey and for sharing your thoughts with us. Your insight has inspired me for what kind of caregiver I want to be. I read a quote that said "Perhaps the most powerful thing you do in the world is the way you give others love freely regardless of whether you think they've earned it or will even appreciate it." The "even appreciate it" really hit home. Take comfort in 1Peter 2:19-20. And deep breaths, in and out.

White Crane

Dear lady Texan, I’m glad you’re concentrating on taking care of yourself. That is so important right now. You’ve done all you can do for your DH. Like Joe said, , it’s time to let go and let God. Sending love, hugs, and prayers. You are amazing caregiver!

June45

LT...regarding those regrets that pop into your head, just know in your heart that because of this disease there isn't a caregiver who can make your husband happy right now. Ditto to what others have already expressed, especially Pam BH and Joe C.

LadyTexan

Thanks everyone. You are all so wise and I am listening. I am grateful for each of you. 

Everyone who gathers here on this forum has helped us on our journey. I have learned so much and I know I have so much more to learn. I remain an eager student.

God bless you all and your loved ones.

Ed1937

Lady, I'm glad they are not allowing visitors for a while. That way you can't let that play on your mind when you don't go. You will in a new environment for a while, and it won't be easy. But you are a strong person, who is smart enough to get through this. You're still in our prayers.

Stuck in the middle

I've learned a lot from you, too, LT.  Think I'll go take a tub soak when it gets dark.

Lills

LT, I'm so sorry you and your DH are going through this.  

I can't begin to compare my situation with your's but I do understand the stress and exhaustion you are feeling.  When my DH was at a local TCU, I felt helpless, yet had to be strong (as you are)!  

What saved me was SLEEP and keeping a journal of DH's time in the TCU (which was a disaster).  

I wish you comfort and that there will be an outcome that both of you are ok with.