How to handle mom's... I want to go home..., anger, and broken heart at AL

Marianne*

I did it. I got my mom into AL at Park Merced yesterday at about 3:30.  The whole process was hard and a lot of work but I got it done.  Mom was not happy about her apartment and staying as I knew she wouldn't be. 

This evening I got a call from PM asking if it was ok to have her call me.  Sure, of course.  As expected she was sobbing, telling me I left here there, have I left her there to die, she's been there for days and she was only supposed to be there for two, I haven't visited, her father died, her husband died and she knows all too well what this is... goodbye... click.  

It didn't matter what I said and explained.  She's had all she can take of this place and I've abandoned her. 

How do ya'll get through this?  Advice?  I knew this was coming but boy is it hard.  She's been so reliant on me for almost two years with phone calls on and off all day, sometimes literally ALL day where help reassure her that she had her meds right, help her find things, etc.  I can see how it seems like I've left her there and am no where to be found.   

lizziepooh

Time and distance. I think you need to give your mom time and give yourself distance. Don’t take her calls or when you take her calls but don’t really listen to them.

You had to do what you had to do.

Your mom will adjust. Whether by choice or circumstance. This disease marches on despite all intentions to stop it. It is what is and what it will end up being what it is. There is no changing that,

Wilton

Hello, I haven't experienced this yet so have no advice, but I'm so sorry you're going through this.  You've been an outstanding daughter...please take comfort in that.  Truly, you're a hero.  I agree, disconnect if you have to...for your sake and for Mom's.

Arrowhead

Say little and do not try to explain. She no longer has reasoning abilities and will not accept anything you tell her unless she wants to. Try to reassure her if she will let you.

Worried about mom

Marianne - I so feel your pain. Mom has been at the same ALF for 5 years. I went through all the same EVERY DAY for around 6 months. I hate you - why did you throw me into a motel - you left me here to get rid of me - I hate it here - I never agreed to be here. And same. No matter what I said nothing worked. She finally found a friend to do things with and it went away for some time. Now her friend passed, her memory is worsening and I’m back to square one - 5 years later. She thinks she JUST moved in.  I get the same calls everyday. Nothing works. I have to go over the whole routine like Groundhog Day. 

My husband will take my phone sometimes when I’m at my wits end. She won’t say the same stuff to him. Praying for your strength. And praying she will find a buddy. I’d love a new buddy for my mom  

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King Boo

I do not mean to be a Debbie Downer, but it is not a particularly great sign that a staff mem  ber called to ask if a phone call to you would be OK.

Unless, of course, they wanted to see if phone contact could sooth her and it was worth a shot.  Then, I would give them praises.

As it is clear that such a call was NOT of comfort or help to her, I would hope moving forward during the early days of adjustment, that they would try and re-direct and distract with activities, diversions etc.   If you start getting repeated requests from the AL to talk to her, this would be a sign that she is beyond their skill set or higher maintenance than their 'usual' resident.

I realize the calls are agony for you, but if you find that you are of little comfort to her and she just is angrier and more agitated afterwards (follow up with staff to find out) the kindest thing you can do is to not answer the phone because doing so accomplishes nothing and sometimes makes the situation worse. Perhaps set a time window of a week to answer one call everyday and if the pattern continues, making the call to a staff member instead of your mother may help your mother tremendously.  Sad as it is, while you were once a comfort, sometimes in the early days of placement, we become a negative trigger.   It is a temporary thing though.

This is extremely difficult to do for children who are very entwined with their parent's care prior to admission.

Keep a watchful eye.

star26

I hope you are doing okay Marianne. I'm thinking of you and your Mom and hoping that all is as well as can be expected right now.

Mlewis501

This was so hard for me!  When we first put mom in hospital and then transferred her to MC, she would ask them to call me and I would take the calls.  This was just more upsetting to her and myself.  When I would hang up, I would call the MC unit back to see if she calmed down.  They would tell me that she didn't even remember talking to me, and was begging for them to call me again.  We decided to stop all phone calls.  She now doesn't even ask for me to call.  What helped best was time and distance.  It was HARD!  However, it led us to a better place.  My prayer for my mom has always been to be at peace.  When she is agitated and angry, I see this as pain and I don't want that for her.  I wish you well on this journey!  Hopefully knowing that many of us out here who have faced the exact feelings you are going through.  There is still so much guilt I feel, but I know mom is where she needs to be to get the help she needs.

sjohnson

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I just went through the same thing a few months ago with my mom.  The staff would call me and ask if I could talk to mom to help calm her down.  She would tell me that I didn't care about her; that her children have all abandoned her; that she didn't even have any shoes; etc.  All I could do was just say I'm sorry it is so hard right now.  Or You are really upset about this.  Just acknowledge what ever emotion she is having right then and keep saying I love you at the end of the call.  If the phone call started to go on too long or if mom got more upset, I would tell that I had to go to work and I would call her later and then hang up.  

If feels awful.  talk to the staff a lot at first.  I would call the nurses station and ask them if it was a good time to talk to mom.  Or just check in with the nurse instead of talking to mom.  We all finally decided it was best for me to back off for a couple of weeks.  That helped.  It gave mom time to start to rely on the staff instead of me.  And it gave me some respite.  

It will take time.  And distance.  Which at times, will make you feel guilty and depressed because it feels like you are not taking care of your mom.  But in reality, it is the best way to take care of her right now.  Call the staff often. To be respectful to the staff, find out when they have shift changes and meal times and med runs.  Those are not good times to call.  If the AL/MC is a good one, the staff will be willing to work with you.  There usually is a head nurse, too.  That person might be good to talk to also.  The head nurse at my mom's place has been very helpful.

This is a hard journey.  There will be times of joy and a lot of times of heartache.  Just remember that you are still caring for your mom in a different way.

Amymv

I hope your mom is settling in.  I remember mom being upset when we moved her to an AL facility.  I agree with the idea of redirecting and finding things for your mom to do at the facility.  You did the right thing and you are a good daughter!

SparkleMonster

Marianne. My heart is with you. I'm going through the same thing right now except we actually moved my dad in with us (after daily calls telling us how horrible his senior living community was). He still gets into moods where he tells us he feels unwanted, he wants to move out immediately, nothing to live for, pretty much angry at us doing normal, every day things. It goes straight to anger. Conversations are incredibly stressful. So you are not alone, and no matter your decision, I'm realizing that they just won't be happy no matter what we do.

LLSK

I need help dealing with my sister's anger.  The worst confrontation she dropped F-bombs.  She was demanding to go home.  She even spelled it out H-O-M-E, home! Several nurses in the home came and went, trying to assist.  My sister's youngest daughter was trying her best to reason with my sister.  The last nurse who came in the room frustrated my sister so badly that she didn't know how to express it, so she blew a big raspberry at her and told her to get out.  We family members left and she calmed down.

She refuses to get a perm and hair cut.  Many have tried.  I even made up a fake appointment card.  We talked a while before the appointment time and I mentioned it was "girls' day" and she was getting a perm.  When it was time to leave her room, she absolutely refused to go and got very angry.  So angry she said, "Why don't you shut up."  I know it is her dementia talking but my feeling were hurt.  The nurse tried to calm her down.  I kissed her forehead, told her I loved her and quietly left.  She looked at me with a question in her eyes but I kept going.

That was weeks ago.  Yesterday we were coloring and she was smiling and actually talking pleasantly until the physical therapy lady walked in.  She sat down, we said a few things about coloring to each other and then she asked my sister if she wanted to do some exercises, and that she didn't have to get out of her chair.  I added that we could get back to coloring when she was done and she said in a mean, nasty voice, without looking up, "Why would I want to do that when I am busy doing this?"  I wanted so badly to say, "Because it would be the polite thing to do?" but I said nothing.  

She doesn't want to cooperate with anything that would be good for her.  She tried 4 times to escape a few months back.  They moved her to the 2nd floor.  She sleeps till noon, eats lunch and goes back to bed, then walks the halls at night.

Any suggestions?