Four hour trial visit to Adult Day Care; need some advice.

btl1953

I have arranged for a trial visit on Tuesday (2 days from now) to an Adult Day Care Center in my town that just reopened since Covid. I would have to say my DW (age 68) is early stage 6. Starting about a year ago She know longer recognizes me as her husband. I have become a Caregiver that is on thin ice all of the time. DW trusts our Son (age 31) who moved in with us 7 months ago. We have not told her yet about the visit thinking it best to wait till the last minute (which is tomorrow).  My hope is that I can have her there 2 days a week (I'm exhausted especially after toileting has become an issue). 

I know she is not going to want to go. Do you have any suggestions on how to introduce this idea to her?  The Director of the facility said some people tell their LO that they are going to a place where they can help other people -- somehow I don't think that is going to fly. I had a thought to tell her she needs to have a break from me and see some other people.  My Son said he would accompany us to the trial visit (which of course we would not be staying for the visit). Any thoughts or personal experiences would be appreciated.

JJAz

Tell her that she received an "invitation" from this "special social group" that was recommended by her doctor, her friend, her church or whoever she would respect.  Tell her that you think it would be good to try it out and see if she likes it.  Pick your story and stick with it.  Sell it as a great opportunity with limited time offer.

harshedbuzz

What JJAz said. Only have the trusted son do the sales pitch and trial. He could frame it as a lunch date for the 2 of them.

French

You can tell her she is going there because there will be activities she will like. It’s certainly the case. And she will also make friends.

My partner is only 51 years old, it wasn’t obvious he would like it. The activities are not well adapted to his age... you know what, fist times when he came back, he wasn’t very happy, but not unhappy. When I asked what they have done, nothing or almost nothing. 

After 4 weeks (one day 10am to 4pm), we had a meeting there to decide if we continue. When we entered the building, his face directly changed: a very large smile. He really likes the adult daycare. There he feel secured, strong...we added one day in January l’and one other this month.

His preferred day is Tuesday, because of Yvette who is 86 years old and always challenges him with discussion and jokes. She is his new friend.for her birthday he offered her a rose from our garden. The whole day she had the flower with her. Before on Wednesday there was Sacha Distel (famous French singer in the sixties) pianist, they were good friends. Unfortunately he left the daycare.

As they are not able to tell you what they have done in the days, it is very important to get information about what they have done, who are the people they prefer there so that to discuss their day and highlight what they prefer. I feel It’s important because, it’s as going to work, he feels that he has done something himself. I try to highlight it also in front of our friends or his family. 

Tdrinker46

Agree that son should present the opportunity to her.  My husband told me likes going there “work” because they have things to do.  He is able to go 5 days per week, is late 5 early 6 stage.  I take him and they bring him home.  He is a loner usually, but likes “Blondie” the nurse and Helen one of the other attendees.  May not be approved but I mentioned how nice to go where people are always nice (as a caregiver sometimes my patience runs thin).  Good Luck. It has been lifesaver for me.

Nowhere

Ask if your son and/or you can accompany her during all or part of the first few visits. It took my going with my husband a few times until he was in a new routine and comfortable, but then my husband suffers from paranoia. In time he thought he was the entertainment (singer) for the club (adult day care) and looked forward to going.

ButterflyWings

btl, I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you! You have received very good suggestions here. Especially having DS pitch it as a great perk to go check out together. Especially if he or you can stay for the first actual visit or so, too. 

 I SO wanted to try this once the time came for us...however, my DH now is being very, very, uncooperative with hygiene (won't bathe or shower, won't change clothes, gets irritated when I start nudging him about it. And even if he doesn't smell, he balks at getting ready to go anywhere (just will not). So, while his hygiene isn't great, he's not (yet) offensive, but I don't think I can get him in the car to go visit even if I pretended we were going somewhere else that he used to love. He's in an oppositional defiant mindset these days and I'm just balancing on the tightrope trying not push too hard or fast, possibly making it worse.

So, unless this roller coaster takes another sharp turn soon (it could happen, we know), Adult Day Care is not likely in our futures. It stresses me out just to say that. But, I am searching for in home help as we speak, we got approved for 30 hours a week! And for several months I've been allowed to work those hours due to covid concerns. We are now vaccinated, and I feel much better about having strangers in, plus I have a new job which means I need someone else to do the approved hours as initially planned. Good luck to you on the visit and accepting the adult program soon.

btl1953

Thanks for all of the thoughtful suggestions. My Son accompanied us for the trial visit (we didn't stay for the visit at the suggestion of the Staff). Basically told DW that this was actually her idea about going out and doing something different and meeting some new people.  She has now completed her third week of 2 days per week. This past week we started the free bus pick up and delivery. From the trial visit to getting on the bus these last 2 days DW says she doesn't want to go -- so I tell her that it was her idea and we agreed to give visits to the "Senior Center" (not Adult Daycare) a fair try.  The Staff there are wonderful and when she gets there their warm greeting melts away her resistance. By latter in the afternoon (after returning home ) she doesn't really remember going.  

DW's resistance has continued although attendance has become more of a normal thing. She protests all of the way except now I feel like she is resigned to this is what we are going to do. This is what the Staff told me would probably happen.  One thing that has kept me strong about this is DW's Sister in Law (who went through the same thing with her husband (DW's brother) warning about not giving in to my DW's resistance. It would have been so easy to on the second day (first day without my Son's help) to say "Ok you can stay home". Now that I have gotten a small taste of 7 hours/2 days per week of freedom -- I don't think any amount of my DW"s complaining would change my resolve.

French

Thank you for your feedback and happy that it has gone pretty well. 

I think that If you can find out what she is doing in the daycare and value her actions (just saying she is very active and doing lot of things) in front of other people, so that she is proud of them, you will overcome the last resistance. You certainly can do this with your son. 

Whyzit

Thank you for your comments on this topic. Your hints are invaluable and you give me courage. After being on a waiting list for 1 1/2 years, DH will be starting on 7/13. He believes he is a volunteer which is great. Two days a week at 6 hours a day. I know he will complain and not want to go but that is his response to most things. I’m determined to not cave.  I need those 12 hours a week for me.

If you are thinking about day care, get on the wait list, sometimes it takes a long time.