Lady Texan

abc123

Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I know many of us are. I hope the telehealth appointment goes well tomorrow morning and will give you peace of mind. Please keep us posted. I also hope your dear husband is getting the help he needs and deserves.

LadyTexan

Thank you abc123.

After DH was accepted into the psych hospital, I cancelled the telehealth visit for the GeriPsychiatrist. I was concerned there would be too many cooks, or docs would be stepping on toes or something. I am not sure if it was the right call.

I've spoken with DH over the phone everyday he has been in the psych hospital. He is very confused and very unhappy. It breaks my heart and I want to bring him home. I am getting feedback from many trusted individuals to NOT accept DH back into our home. I take this input very seriously. Its based on several people's practical experience. Of course, I'd like to think that our situation would be different. But that is crazy thinking on my part.

Originally, I planned to tour some local facilities today. I received some coaching from a local dementia specialist. She explained that placing DH will be much more complicated now because of the Behavioral Component. She explained that the facilities in our community do not have the resources to safely care for DH as he is now. She explained that so much is dependent on how DH responds once he is back on his meds and stabilized. 

I will be talking with the VA tomorrow, to determine if DH qualifies for any of the VA caregiving benefits. He was in the army for several years. His discharge was "other than honorable". I assumed he would not qualify, so I am not hopeful, but felt the need to try.

I have been reading over the medicaid planning docs the elderlaw attorney prepared for me over two years ago. It all makes me so so sad.

Today I told my folks DH was in the psych hospital. My siblings have been in the loop. But I wanted to hold off telling my parents because they worry. I have not reached out to DH's absentee adult son or DH's uncle whom DH is estranged from. Since they are not around to do any of the heavy lifting or help in anyway, I am not using my energy on them.

I feel very defeated. I am lonely. The dog misses DH and so do I. 

Dementia is so unpredictable and cruel. When it is bad, it gets worse, and there is more awful down the road. I know it can always get worse than now, and it likely will. 

Thanks for checking on me abc. I am taking it hour by hour.

M1

Thanks for the update. We're in your corner....

aod326

Lady Texan, it's heartbreaking to read what you and your DH are going through right now. You always sound like a wonderful combination of organized "get it done", mixed with great compassion. In a way I think that makes it harder to be faced with something so difficult for anyone to deal with.

The loneliness is gut-wrenching. While we can't be physically there for you, please know we're all in your corner.

abc123

I'd like to believe your situation would be different too, I really would. I will say this though, it's much too soon to even think of him coming home. I do feel your loneliness. Please be kind to yourself.

Jo C.

Truly a difficult and very heartfelt situation which of course is an understatement; I understand.  Though it may not always feel like it; you are a strong and capable person and you will find your way through this; you have stood firm and stalwart through so much; this is the next chapter, scary and lonely as it seems, and one in which there may be a much better outcome.

Lots of thoughts come to mind, fleeting in and out as I have read your Posts, so the following comes from that.  Remember, you are stronger than you realize and you are doing as best you possibly can under the circumstances that exist.

You were wise in cancelling the telehealth appt., you are correct; having too many various cooks that are not part of the same treatment team can indeed hijack the treatment and make things more complex, in all probability causing negative outcomes.  As it is, these other professionals would more than likely not have the required privileges to treat or interact professionally at the Waco facility.  This is a very brand new admission; your husband is still in an assessment mode;  it is in all probability time to step back and catch your breath; control is not going to be part of this at this time.

You mention wanting to take him home as he is so unhappy; you have also mentioned in a prior Thread that you feel bad for having not made your husband "happy."  That is more or less part of a co-dependency category; there sadly is no way to "make" him happy, that is not even a scintilla of reality at this point whether at home or in professional care; you are not at fault for what he is feeling, it is part of his disease.

Daily calls, making more and more attempts to find other care facilities to take him near you; that is in all probabilitiy not part of reality at this point. Perhaps, IF he does well and responds to treatment and is no longer a danger with overwhelming negative to violent behaviors, you may well be able to appropriately find an accepting facility near you, but that seems to be an exercise in futility at this point and if treatment is going well, one would not want to disrupt that.

Your beloved husband is safe and cared for and is in treatment; it is time to take care of your own needs and loosen the lines that have bound you as they have existed for so long; that has been part of some ongoing issues.

So glad to hear that you are able to accept that taking your husband home at this time is "crazy."  That would be harmful to your husband and his treatment as well as to yourself.  All of the triggers continue to exist and the home setting would in all probabilty increase that as it has already done which would hamper his treatment or whatever recovery he will be able to gain.   It is  important to once again to remember that your husband is in a care/treatment facility that is both staffed and skilled in caring and treating those who are at your husband's level of needs as well as treating his behaviors that includes much violence; many facilities would not be.  One is not the same as another in that capability.

A nice local facility, if you could even find one to accept him with the behavioral issues he has, may well not be either staffed nor skilled for his level of care requirements.  If this happens, he could end up with lesser treatment; if he acts out dangerously, he could also be evicted from the facility as a danger to staff and other patients which would leave you high and dry in a lurch for finding another facilty to accept him which would be extemely difficult.  There could be legal consequences if he resorted to violence against others and caused harm when in a non-facility setting such as at home - that is a potentially avoidable risk.

It is unlikely that he would qualify for VA benefits and unlikely that the VA would have a unit capable of managing your husband's care, but I understand your need to try to explore that venue. 

Considering his ongoing behaviors at home where there are also multiple triggers for his behaviors, has included taking a sledge hammer to the kitchen as well as trying to pour gasoline inside the house to set fire and demanding his guns and ammunition - indeed; taking him home at this time would absolutely be as you say, "crazy."  I hope you do not lose sight of that. (Twas worth saying again.)

I well understand your feelings which you speak of, but please reach out for support for yourself.  I recall reading where you have worked hard to gain and maintain your sobriety; I think it has been for seven years -  that is huge and is awesome; well done!.  NOTE:  I would like to suggest that staying aware of and avoiding the potential for co-dependency dynamics will also be crucial at this time.  You must be exhausted.

Reaching out to various support groups from AA or other individual support to avoid co-dependency issues may be helpful at this time so as not to unintentionally slide into that sphere and to perhaps lend some peace.  Co-dependent thoughts and behaviors feeling responsible for every little thing can be very subtle in  emergence and often is not even at a conscious level; it is a very real and complex issue.

It would be good to speak to the supervising staff at your husband's care unit to inquire whether daily phone calls are at this point a positive or negative - sometimes, though difficult for family, a person is best served not to have daily contact. In many GeroPsych and even general Psych Units, the significant others are not to contact/visit their LOs for at least a week; that was so on the GeroPsych Unit where my mother was a patient.  I was however; as you would be, able to speak to the supervising staff and the social worker to find out how my LO was doing in detail and how assessment and treatment was going; that was helpful.   I did this each afternoon for a few days at a preset time and at intervals and was able to get details of all and sundry which was helpful in assistmg me to adapt to what was happening.  We too have an adaptation period as well as our LOs do. 

In the meantime, it may also be helpful not to be sitting alone at home without support from others and even the groups mentioned above; we are here for you,  but we are limited for the needs that exist and that have existed for some time.

I am very much aware of the dynamics surrounding the subtle co-dependency issues as my my mother was somewhat co-dependent until she got help and was able  to work through that and recover through her issues with my problematic father, which she did.  She was unaware of the drivers behind her actions and reactions and need for hyper-managing and feeling responsible for everything re her husband and once she was aware and in the support that AA provides families, she was able to recover and step out of that mode of thinking and being which was very helpful for her.

Hopefully, this will all begin to settle and evolve in a positive manner, and hopefully there will be a good response to treatment.  And hopefully, you will be able to reach out for yourself in stepping forward and regaining yourself which you so deserve.   Remember, there is no control, and letting go a bit sometimes is part of our own sort of, "treatment."  Does not mean we do not care, and I know how much you do; but we want to be part of the solution, not part of ongoing problems causing ruination of our own health.

You too deserve to be relieved of burdens you have been carrying.

Let us know how you are and how things are progressing, we continue to care and hope for the best not only for your husband, but also for you.

J.

Ed1937

Lady, I'm so sorry for what you have been going through. This is one of the hardest things I've read about on the forum, and I've read thousands of posts. But you are strong. You'll make it through this. Just don't let your heart get in the way of your brain when making decisions.

LadyTexan

Thank you all for your kindness, wise words, objective observations and support.

This morning I sat on the back porch and listened to the birds and the gentle rain. My faithful dog is by my side. I am safe. DH is safe. I am less anxious when I take deep breathes. Its free and easy but I have to remind myself to do it.

I understand that much is out of my control. Joe and others have reminded me to let go and let God. This reminded me of another saying: let go or be dragged. Both are applicable here. 

I have a full plate of errands this morning. I talked to a handyman about my plumbing problem and will follow his guidance. There is nothing quite like a plumbing puzzle to take your mind off your troubles. Mowing the lawn is helpful too. Alas its been raining frequently, which makes mowing more like a mud wrestling a lawn mower. The wild birds are enjoying the bi-level grass design going on in my yard,

I will get through this. I don't know the outcome, but I will get through this.

Please take care friends. I will do the same. 

Jo C.

The back porch with your sweet dog and the soft rain sounds wonderful; but I would like to suggest a crossword puzzle rather than a plumbing puzzle.  Ha! Could not resist the grin.

May your day be filled with unexpected blessings,

J.

Nowhere

Lady Texan,

I’ve been on a tumultuous road with my husband’s behavior and I felt similarly responsible for keeping him “happy”. Jo mentioned co-dependency relationships. I’m realizing my husband and I experienced the patterns of that type of a marriage. From an early point in our marriage I became the controller as he was an emotional reactor. Alzheimer’s exasperated this dance. There is an audiobook that helped me after my husband was placed and totally lost routine grounding afforded by his Alzheimer riddled brain. It’s titled, “Codependent No More”. I couldn’t bear thinking of him wandering around a memory care facility without having me there to “save” him. He’s be lost, alone, confused during nighttime delusions, etc. I’ve been blaming Alzheimer’s that I’m considered a trigger to him, but recently I recognize I allow him to trigger me, too. I couldn’t deal with the stress of his paranoia and delusions. I let go almost ten months ago. That’s how long he’s been placed. I’m in personal and group therapy. It’s a long path. Another poster posted recently about what could have been another Jane Austin novel, Guilt snd Responsibility. I’m wrestling with them yet. You know deep in your heart what you need to be okay. After 47 years of marriage I couldn’t be okay in our situation. It wasn’t his fault or mine fault- it just was a fact that I’d burned out care giving before he died of an incurable disease. I’m working at being entitled to and accepting the pain when I’m the “healthy” one, hoping once it’s embraced it will dissipate. I hope for you, too, and all the souls on these boards. 

LadyTexan

I met with the VA this morning to apply for benefits based on DH's service. It sounds like the process will be long. As I mentioned earlier, I am not optimistic. I do believe it is better to ask and be declined then not to ask at all when it comes to benefits.

I accomplished my errands without issue. 

Today's self care:

• I ate some fresh vegetables. 
• I did NOT eat as many cookies as usual. 
• I have played solitaire on my computer. 
• Now I am going to read a book just for pleasure.

June45

LT, good to hear that you are having a calmer day.   And regarding reading a book just for pleasure  -- Have you read any of Lisa Wingate's books?  Her fiction often revolves around small towns in Texas.

Lorita

Hi Lady Texan,

 Being out and around nature always has a calming effect on me.  Sounds like it's working for you, too.

 Regarding your application for care for your husband through the VA.  There is a patient advocate at each hospital - you might want to have a talk with them to see if they can be of help.  Also, consult a service organization.  We had great luck with Oklahoma Department of Veterans Affairs.  I'm sure Texas has the same thing.  They can really help with many things.   Good luck - hope it works out that the VA can be of help to both of you.

 Enjoy the time on your porch listening to birds.

LadyTexan

@June - Yes, I have read a Lisa Wingate book. I read Before We Were Yours. I enjoyed it and will look for other books by Ms. Wingate.

@Lorita - The office I went to today was the County's Veteran's Service Organization (VSO) or maybe Office. As you would expect, there were plenty of acronyms to go around. The officer who helped me was kind and knowledgeable.

Yes nature soothes me.

Thanks everyone. Blessings to you all.

Doityourselfer

Lady Texan,  It's good to hear you're taking care of yourself.   I admire your positive attitude.