Conversation with DH's Treatment Team @ the Psych Hospital

M1

LT, do not let that hospital push you around, not one little bit. Not an inch. I would simply tell them you are not prepared to care for him at home and leave it in their lap, so to speak.

Let me tell you for sure, they'll get him qualified for Medicaid in a heartbeat if it's on their dime, hospitals do this all the time and even get the eligibility backdated to the start of the hospitalization. They'll get him eligible a lot faster than you will on your own.  He should stay where he is until a care facility is identified. 

He needs care somewhere safe LT, and that is not going to be home with you, certainly right now and probably never. Jo is right about this, 10 days is not nearly enough time for him to be stable. Six months, maybe, but not ten days. 

Quilting brings calm

LadyTexan wrote:

I feel so lost and so unprepared. 

You are not alone in those feelings. My situation isn’t like yours, but I feel that way too. In fact, I had just sent a message to my parents’  doctor in preparation for their appointments next week. I ended it by saying I am sinking and I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job and I need help planning plan B.  He’s not my doctor but I’ve seen quite a hit of him the last 19 months with my parents.  

Iris L.

LadyTexan wrote:

 I do believe that I can care for DH in our home now with assistance. 

No caregiver agency will allow this situation.  

Have you had any rest these past days?

Iris

LadyTexan

I had another conversation with my SIL.

I am touring a local facility at 9:30 am this morning.

I will tell the hospital that I cannot bring him home because I am not safe.

June45

LT, don't look back; don't second guess your decision to place DH. You have a lot of support here.  Hugs and prayers.

Cynbar

This is the best decision for BOTH of you. Congratulations on having the strength to make it.

Jo C.

May this be the much needed good intermediate step that will tell you much more over time.  Not at all easy and the heart does get involved when we love someone.  Been there and had my heart broken, but in time, much to my surprise, it turned out to be the best decision with my LO benefitting.  So hope there will be good benefits for your situation.

It is also true that facilities can indeed apply for Medicaid for a patient; this happens often and in fact just did for a family I know in another state.  Interestingly, Medicaid was processed faster with the hospital making the application for their inpatient.  Interesting.  Do you know if the psych facility will assist in doing this? By the way, Medicaid will often cover care that was provided for several months prior to the date of application.  In our state, they covered four months retrospectively.

By the way, I posted off the cuff in a hurry last night and had no time to edit, so I did that this a.m.; and no, I do not believe you are a sympathy seeking "victim," I had stated that I did not think that was so.

We are all sending best thoughts and hopes for both you and your husband.  Please do keep us up to date with how you are doing.   When I was going through the very worst of times, it was this place and the dear people here who kept my head above water so I could breathe.  It surely did make a difference.

Good luck today, LT;

jfkoc

A wise decision...but very hard.

dayn2nite2

LadyTexan wrote:

I had another conversation with my SIL.

I am touring a local facility at 9:30 am this morning.

I will tell the hospital that I cannot bring him home because I am not safe.

Good.  And my mother went into a facility on Medicaid pending status and the facility social worker stayed on them.  When she was approved some months in, Medicaid paid retroactively to her day of admission.

M1

Will be anxious to hear how the tour went when you feel like posting.  Fingers crossed.....

Joe C.

LT, I know this is a very painful decision for you to make but I think it would be best for all involved. Please be kind to yourself as you navigate this difficult time.

LadyTexan

The tour of the memory care facility was both disappointing and okay. My sister went with me and I am grateful for her support.

I scheduled the tour on-line through the Facility's website. When my sister and I arrived at the appointed time, the front office staff were not there because they only work Monday through Friday. A helpful aide showed us the facility. 

The place does not look horrible. It bright and clean and was surprisingly quiet. Its currently being remodeled so it is in transition and I wonder how noisy and bothersome the noise and commotion is to the residents. 

I didn't like that the front office team was not available for the scheduled appointment. In the scheme of all my current life challenges, its nothing to be upset about. I am grateful for the aide that stepped up to assist. 

Stuck in the middle

I think I'd rather tour the way you did anyway.  You got to see how things run on a normal day.  I was checking out an adult day care a while back, and just popped in unannounced.  Had a talk with one of the caretakers, not someone who was trying to sell to me.

Glad to hear you are finding a tolerable path through this mess.  I have worried about you.

Mint

Dear Lady Texan was just going to tell you exactly  What stuck in the middle said.  You can go back now and visit with management if you want to.  Glad your sister is there for you.

Have visited a facility for my mom for plan B.  I went unannounced because read that was a good idea.  They didn’t seemed surprised and showed me around.  

Thinking of you and may you be blessed to find peace with everything.  Know this is very hard and overwhelming.  It’s hard for you to believe this has all happened.  Life hands us a lot of curves that we never dreamed would happen.  

Take care 

ButterflyWings

*Revised - Note: LT I did not get to read this thread until this morning, and was so alarmed at the first page of posts I could not finish it without begging you to make the decision I see you have made!  Prayers answered. I know it must be terribly, terribly difficult but you are strong, and you are correct to listen to so much wise counsel, despite the heartbreak. I will leave my long post here, should it help you at all in moments of questioning the placement decision. 

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Dear Lady T - Please do not allow (or help) the system to fail you and your DH. Only you can say "It is not safe under any circumstances for my DH to be released to home". Home can no longer keep him or you safe. To not have professional, supervised, locked custodial care is only going to escalate to the next level, from this last potentially lethal episode. Your DH not only could have burned to death, you and your home could have gone up in flames with him. 

It sounds like a strong, clear and consistent message that he is in the right setting (custodial, secured with a team to supervise 24/7 in a neutral, professionally staffed space). You need to be his DW now, versus the target of his dementia and angst. Please, please, trust lessons you have just learned and taught yourself (and us all!) The professionals will continue to do what they are trained and resourced to do: find the exact facility he needs now that he is temporarily stabilized, as they have recently done since you stood strong and moved to the side after narrowly escaping unthinkable disaster. After reading [page 1 of] this entire thread this morning, I see this is the advice from the professional evaluators, family, and definitely from your friends/experienced sounding board here on the forum.

One of my earlier responses to you was about PTSD and also as a fellow survivor of domestic violence. I don't know if you describe yourself as such, but we have that experience in common. During my awareness, acceptance, and action process to break free of the tragic cycle than only ends badly (often fatally) I learned so much about the cycle of violence which is playing out here, with the hopefulness of a wife who loves for life, (and deeply ingrained faith-based forgiveness training that I also absolutely understand). 

That, combined with dementia and the fact that it is progressive -- it only gets worse -- chills my blood that you would even consider bringing him back home. Dementia is denying your DH what he wants. You are not the one doing that. I know how confusing, stressful, and painful it is to be asked by people to make such a decision. But the best decision really is already made. Please don't overrule it, and disregard the expertise of so many.

I know how much you think of others rather than yourself. Imagine if you do allow him to exit the system that is helping stabilize him. The next time you have to call 911, (if you get to the phone in time) and that officer arrives with the loaded shotgun, it could be a caregiver or you who is shot or killed, or it could be your DH depending on what he does to top the last crisis. It is progressive. It only gets worse. And, the cycle of abuse and co-dependency says this "saying NO, but acting YES" trains a sane person to keep abusing or manipulating. With the brain decline to a 7...your DH is so clearly not able to process any of this. He is at this point, as much a victim as anyone but can only be saved in the proper professional setting that is doing what it is designed to do. 

Please don't feel like you are failing him or you. The time for wishful thinking is over. I don't remember how to properly quote that story about the believer who drowned because God didn't save them from the flood. Their God sent help in 3 different forms, but they didn't recognize it. This is your raft, canoe, jetski. Please don't wave it off. You are not abandoning your DH. You have helped work miracles in the last 2 weeks that have gotten him the help he needs and deserves. Please don't let them stop now. The current placement in professional setting is working! You can always, always bring him home later after he has spent far more time stabilized than he has spent off-script with dementia running the show. But right now? It is a recipe for disaster and I fear you will never forgive yourself if and when, the next shoe drops after release.

We are thinking about you and sending positive energy for peace of mind and clarity to accept the gift you both have been given. Please don't give up and give in. This new normal, though hard, is infinitely better and safer than what has been the norm. Bless you both.

harshedbuzz

Team "What Stuck Said".

The front office is a sales team and yeah, they generally work standard "bankers' hours". It was probably a website glitch that allowed you to schedule a tour on a weekend; here that would require a special request by phone.

You got to see what the unit is like at a time when, presumably, there is less management and regular staff in place meaning that M-F, there's probably more going on in terms of activities with the full time staff working. If it was OK then, it's probably even better during the week.