What to tell friends?

Jeff86

I had a text recently from friends we haven’t seen since well before Covid—2 years, anyway.

They would like to get together with us.  I’d like to do that, but feel obligated to tell them where things stand with my DW—I can’t recall if we’ve ever  spoken about the AD dx, but even if so the progression from a couple of years back is great.  If we do meet up, DW will likely greet them and be friendly...but won’t much participate in any conversation, may not make sense (word salad) or be repetitive, and so on.

(I asked my DW if she remembers this couple—she doesn’t.  Maybe she’d recognize them if she saw their faces.  Maybe not.)

I feel conflicted—want to give this couple an out if they feel it would be uncomfortable, but don’t want to put a burden on them to make a choice/decision.

Any thoughts/advice?

Joe C.

Jeff, I’m these situation I am honest with people about DW’s current status. Typically I says they we would love to see them but I want to give you a heads up on how DW is doing at this time. I gave up trying to sugarcoat what happening a while ago. Hopefully your friends will be supportive.

I find my wife will not remember people by name but when she sees them so does recognize them.

CStrope

I agree with Joe.  Unless you have no intention of meeting up with them, I would definitely fill them in.  If you do meet up with them, in the near future or later, they will eventually need to know.  Also, maybe it will end up being a good source of support for you.  If its something they can't handle, then its good you know that too

Stuck in the middle

Several years ago, I was in the position your friends are.  DW and I were meeting another couple for dinner, after not seeing them for a couple of years.  Since his wife informed us of his condition, I was not too greatly taken aback when I said "Hi, J., how are you?" and he responded "I've got dementia, how are you?"  I was able to commiserate with him about his son selling his truck, without raising questions like "Did he steal it?" and the evening went real well.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell them something like "DW is getting pretty forgetful, but we still enjoy going out and we'd love to see you."  Have a good time.

French

Completely in line with CStrope.

You will see after if these friends will be supportive. And then you will be very happy to meet them again, of if they avoid coming. Whatever their reaction, it’s better to tell them before.

Friends came back in our district two months ago. I met them in the street and tell them about AD. They invited me for a lunch during my respite, came home for a diner after (my partner didn’t recognize them), we where invited with other friends last Sunday for the canoë trip. I ask him to tell it to all the other couples before we go. Everybody has helped me.

tomorrow evening we are invited by this friends group to a badminton picnic in a parc. They are very supportive and I feel it as if I can live again. Summer is short, I want to enjoy it.

Mint

French sounds like you have some very kinds friends.

David J

Jeff, go and have a good time. Tell them ahead of time if you have a chance, but don’t stress about it. I’ve had the same situation as you, and didn’t have a chance to tell them privately ahead of time. They caught on fairly quickly and were very supportive and friendly. 

Amp her incident years ago before DW’s dementia, we had friends over for dinner. The woman was a dog person and was petting our dog and she asked “Now, where will she sleep tonight?”  I answered “On the bed with us”.  “Oh good!” she said. A minute later, she asked “Now, where will she sleep tonight?”  “On the bed with us” “Oh good!”  And again a few minutes later, and again and again. But it was ok, I had my lines memorized and it was all good. Her husband took me aside later and told me about sun downing. The evening went well and everybody had a good time. I have found that most people pick up on dementia behavior and are sympathetic and accommodating, even when caught off guard. 

Jeff86

Thanks, all, for your good suggestions.

I chatted with our friends—her grandmother had AD, so she’s pretty familiar with what it looks like.  I filled her in on DW’s progression since our last get-together, and they’re perfectly comfortable with having us over for drinks and dinner.

So we’ll give it a whirl, with hopefully no surprises.  We have a date for a week from Saturday.

Again, appreciate the support and encouragement.

eaglemom

You've made the correct decision, IMO. Just be honest and up front with your friends. More than likely they have 'some idea' but filling them in briefly before meeting is a great idea.

I'm excited for your outing. Dinner and drinks - that sounds so 'normal' doesn't it? Enjoy yourself.

eagle