My dad is resisting his new residency at memory care facility

SDaughter

Hello! Needed a place to make me feel normal so trying this out. I moved my dad into a memory care facility on Friday. He is 63 with early onset. It has progressed fast but not fast enough to weight down his love for outdoor activities. Even when he realized he couldn't do a lot of things he would tell me well I can still play tennis! Or I can still play golf! But I know in reality this was necessary. He started wandering at night and most times doesn't know our names and does not like to be left alone. Now he is hating his new memory care facility. He calls me at least 10 times a day. They tell me to say I am out of town and to not respond. It's hard to ignore but I've heard it's for the best. He calls and asks to go home and that he is sad. It's been really, really hard. Any advise? I want to know if not answering is the right thing when it sounds like he is hurting and confused. I want him to get adjusted, just don't know the right amount of boundaries right now.

MN Chickadee

It sounds pretty par for the course after the move to MC. My mother called us constantly in the beginning as well, sounding so sad. I started to let most of them go to voicemail and only answered when I felt emotionally able to. I didn't know the meaning of heartbreak until I had to move her there. It was the best and only choice I had, and turned out fine in the end, but it is indeed so very hard. It takes time. In our case nearly 2 months for her to settle in. But after that she thrived there for a long time. Try to keep your head up and eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. Many of us sell it is temporary to make the PWD less anxious. You can come home when ______ (the doctor says you are strong enough, you've had rehab on that bad knee, the repairs are done at the house, the apartment is ready, the weather is better etc.) Rinse and repeat. If you have children, think of it like those first days you left them at daycare or school. They are sad, you are anxious for them but with time it works itself out. The minute by minute can be difficult but take it one day at a time and remember you did this FOR him not to him. You made the difficult decisions you are charged with as his POA to keep him safe. After some time he will probably make some friends and find things he enjoys there. Just know the early days are indeed hard on both of you, that's normal. It will get better. Each week will probably show small improvements as he finds his new routines.

harshedbuzz

A couple of thoughts-

1. You can always let his calls go to voicemail and return them once a day. Some people even get a cheapie burner phone just for calls from their LO so they can personalize the message with reassurance just for that person. It also make it easier to take a break from the phone calls by leaving it home or handing it off to another family member.

2. I don't know if this applies in your situation, but I'll put it out there. 

I had to move my parents nearer me when dad was initially diagnosed in the middle stages. This meant giving up their winters in Florida which pained them both. He would constantly carp at me about how I was personally preventing him from enjoying an active social life. If I tried to encourage him to get off the couch, I was reminded that were he in Florida he'd be swimming laps daily, playing golf with the guys, joining the odd game of pickleball, etc. When I went down to sell his house, all of his neighbors came to ask after my mother. Not a soul said anything about dad. It wasn't until their closest neighbor came buy and I shared how upset they were to be selling that the neighbor shared that my father hadn't been doing any of the social activities including the pool in about 5 years. 

HB

JenWiz

Hi! This is my first post. I came here today to post something very similar to yours. We moved our dad (almost 82) to Memory Care back on 3/15/21 as his condition deteriorated a lot over the last year. He lived alone with his dog. The doctor told us at his last neuro appt. that it was definitely time for Memory Care. So once he was fully vaccinated for COVID we found a place that specializes in Alzheimer’s care.  They seem to be a good place, but he is miserable and always asks to go home. I have to fib and tell him he is there for therapy when really we know he can never live alone again.  My sister and I both feel so guilty that we don’t have him live with us, but both of us still have children at home to balance. I usually go 2x during the week to visit him and she goes on the weekends and he constantly asks to go home and sometimes gets angry. It makes us not want to visit him, but of course we don’t want to abandon him. I’m open to any tips that anyone may have to help.

SueFM

I so underrstand where you are at.  I moved my LO into Assisted living  neaar my home in Feb.   She had to quaarentine due to covid- having had the recent loss of a loved one - they aallowed me to quarentine with her.  She is still haveing trouble adjusting.  I have hired aids to help her transition and cue her.  She calls multiple times aa day telling me she is checking out of this "hotel". Some days are better than others- I am learning to answer the phone less.  I am trying to visit less - every call starts with aare you coming to see me today? and sub with face time.  This is emtoionally hard- really hard, and just when you are thinking you are getting it- it changes aagain...I wish I had some advice but I did waant you to know I am in the same boat.  

I have a long planned trip in a a few months and I am really hoping to go without guilt or worry