How to tell patient mom has passed on

Chris BB

My oldest sister who has Alzheimer’s is coming home to Utah to see surviving siblings. Her daughter who cares for her is bringing her. My sister has wanted to come to Utah for over a year. It seems like she thinks she is young and that her mom is worried about her. Our mom dies in1996. When comes to visit what should we say about our mom?  Should we take her to the cemetery?  Any help is greatly appreciated. My sister does not remember us siblings in our current ages

M1

Chris, my partner is stage 4-5 and lost a sister six months ago, still cannot process it. I think if I were in your shoes I'd deflect a lot, just with mom's not here, out of town, whatever. And no, to the cemetery visit. But admittedly a lot of this just has to be played by ear. I'd try to keep expectations really low. Hope it goes well.

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harshedbuzz

Chris-

This is a discussion to have with your niece- the person who knows her best and will need to deal with any fallout-  ahead of time so you can be on the same page.

That said, by the time a person is "time traveling" in search of long dead family, travel IRL is generally not a great idea. PWD function best with their regular routines in their familiar surroundings. Most people report a drop of about 1 stage in unfamiliar surroundings. A person who might still be OK toileting independently might become incontinent or sleep might become erratic.

In addition to the confusion that comes with travel, there's a possibility that your older sister will be overwhelmed by visits if gatherings become too large or loud. By the time my dad was expressing a need to check on his long dead parents, he would become agitated if  there were too many visitors. We had Christmas brunch, the best time of day for him, at his house around this stage- he and my mom, my husband, adult son, adult niece, her husband and myself- and it was more than he could handle. 

In your situation, it might make better sense for the sibs to go to her and maybe one at a time.

HB

Cynbar

Don't tell her --- she won't be able to process it or remember it, and it's like a gut punch to be hearing it for the first time over and over again. Think up any fiblet you can as to why mom isn't there. It's all about comfort and keeping her as calm as possible. Just don't expect to convince her or reason with her, it's not going to happen and will upset you both.