The elephant in the room.(1)

mainstreetmarshall

Lets talk about that elephant that few discuss. Sex and dementia. My wife's been on anti depression meds for years, which cut off any drive she might have had earlier...but lately, her behavior is more like a shy teenaged girl, makes huge efforts so that I can't even see her naked accidently. Intimacy? Furgetaboutit. I can deal with the end of a sex life at this point. Between arthritis and bad back, who's got the drive now? but this new shyness is weird.

I came into the living room yesterday, interrupting her exercise routine. It was hot, she was alone, so she had stripped down to her undies to exercise. When she saw me, she yelped and ran out of the room like I was a complete stranger. I know, way more info than you wanted to hear but it's what I'm dealing with right now. 

Ed1937

I've seen it said that that sometimes happens. The PWD can get uncomfortable in those circumstances. So it's not unheard of. Just something else that changes.

Ernie123

My observation would be when you said she was like a shy girl you were right on. That is maybe what is happening. Before my DW moved to memory care a year and a half ago, she often reverted to what appeared to be her childhood. We were well beyond any intimacy at that point as well. She would look at me and say I had to go before her parents came back. I didn’t point out they had been dead for over thirty years because in her mind they were on their way home. She said she would get in trouble because I was in the house with her alone. Showing her our wedding picture fifty plus years ago didn’t register. Apparently it is common when recent memories are gone to drift back into childhood memories that are still there. Modesty and privacy were paramount in her teen years. When I didn’t leave,  she would get very upset and angry and threaten me, hit me and try to call the police. These strong and persistent delusions were a large factor in her having to move to care. Her delusions, anxiety and paranoia are now well managed with medications and she is generally calm and content. But when she sometimes says she wants to go home she means her childhood home because she says her mom is there waiting.

You can’t argue or correct. Just distract and offer accommodations. Give your wife a robe and turn your back while she puts it on. Her beliefs will not be changed through what to you is rational discussion. And maybe tomorrow she will be back in the present.

Crushed

Interestingly my wife a very "lady-like" type went the other way both verbally and clothing-wise.  she lost inhibitions almost totally.  I will say that almost the last conscious thing she liked was "snuggling" with me.  We called it "lots of kissing"  probably less sex than a modern middle school student  but it meant a lot to me.  Then she lost that.

Battlebuddy

My husband won’t let me see him naked. I have to shower him with his underwear on. I try not to look at anything because it makes him uncomfortable . So I pull the wet briefs off after the shower and look away. Life with Alzheimers. It’s always something.

Stuck in the middle

It could be worse.  She could be wanting to go to town in a bralette and yoga pants, and hit on every man in the room.  Next year, she might.  Dementia is weird.

I sometimes walk in a nature park.  The deer are quite tame, and I can get within 20 feet of them if I don't look directly at them.  Turn my head to face them, and they are gone.  The same method works with my wife.  I don't look directly at her if she is undressed, unless I am helping her dress.  So long as she thinks I am no more interested in sex than she is, she doesn't feel threatened, even if we're in the same room.

They aren't our spouses any more.  They are just some of the people we take care of.  Bummer.

mainstreetmarshall

Thanks all for the input. Im still getting used to the new normal.

Stuck in the middle

We never get used to it, because it keeps changing.  Sorry

French

Funny, here it’s exactly the contrary. I have to help him in the shower, no problem. The same for the caregiver or his sister in law (she was a nurse), he accepted to be seen naked without any protest. But he didn’t accepted his brother.

And now when I let him dressing, he can come naked in the kitchen to ask me if he as to put his underwear on. Dressing is complicated but I try to let him manage and I check and help him to change what is wrong only if it can be seen. If the socks and briefs are on backwards or front to back, I leave it that way. 

 This morning I heard noise in the toilets so I went to see what was happening. The door was wide open ! he was seating on the toilets, trying to wash his hand while still seating !

Strange this exhibition, but easier this way !

mainstreetmarshall

Interesting incident yesterday. It was very warm and humid here so we were staying inside in the AC. DW asked if I wanted her to get into her bathing suit and go out to play "under the hose" in the yard. This is a woman who won't go to the beach because she'd be seen in her bathing suit. She has a great figure for a woman of 35 much less for one of nearly 70...nothing to be ashamed of. Totally out of character for her even for before she developed this darn* disease.