Conflict with family

SummerP

Hi all

I’m new here, and a relatively new caregiver. Mom has been living with my husband and myself for about 2 and a half months now. Prior to that she lived with my sister.  We moved her in with us because I’ve the previous 6 months she had become suspicious of my sisters husband and then that extended to my sister. The things that she thinks they have done are pretty terrible, to include stealing money, and trying to kill her cat. 

The biggest problem right now is that simply does not want to see my sister. Ever. Their relationship was very bad while she was still living there - to the point that she wouldn’t take her medications, eat, bathe or get dressed unless I called and asked her to do it. For the last few days that she lived there, I was calling a minimum of three times a day.  

My sister misses my mom and wants to see her. We met with her once since Mom has been living at my home and Mom said hi, but really wanted nothing to do with my sister while we were with her. We have tried doing a couple of Zoom calls, but Mom really isn’t interested. 

I’m at a loss for what to do. 

Husband thinks I should go take Mom for a visit more frequently, but it was several days of mom being agitated after our last visit. It’s very overwhelming. I was always the back up care provider while Mom lived with my sister, and I feel like I don’t have any back up at all now because of how much she doesn’t trust her. 

I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel overwhelmed. 

Quilting brings calm

Please research confabulation.  Your mother could be falsely accusing your sister and she may start accusing you next. 

If you haven’t already, read The 36 hour day and google understanding the dementia experience.,you will find a very good description there. 

Suzzin

My mom was furious with me because I took her car (which I did). Then she was mad because my dad sold her car without telling her. A few months later, she settled in to the idea that "your friends" took her car and won't return it. That's a long way of saying she may be mad at your sister (or you) for something but hopefully with time it will move on. Don't try to force the issue, or rationalize, or make your mom try to understand/forgive. Mom can't work through the thought process, so I think the easiest option is to let it go for a while and she hopefully will come around.

terei

Unless you want to put up with mother acting out after every visit with your sister, she is going to have to accept that your mother doesnt want to see her right now.  I think it is the worst idea possible to take her to see your sister more frequently.  

It is very common for the LO to focus their suspicions + anger toward the people they are living with.   I will not be surprised if your LO starts to treat you the same way now that she is at your home.     

Some of this behavior may be caused by anxiety or other issues that can be moderated by medications.   I would discuss this with her doctor(s)

M1

Agree with the suggestion of possible medication for paranoia and delusions--and also for the cautionary warning that you may be next.  I know this is painful for both you and your sister, but I also agree that if you and she can just bear with it a while, she may forget, or the trigger will change.  Medication might help that happen quicker, too.  So difficult, for sure, and I'm sorry.  Welcome to the forum.  Many here will understand.

harshedbuzz

IME, eventually the dementia progresses than the ability to hold onto the anger from whatever confabulation is bouncing around tanks. Perhaps you could revisit the visits in a couple of months.

In the meantime, medication might be worth exploring. If she turns on you, what's the Plan B for care?

HB