2nd memory care visited

French

When I needed respite in april, I candidated to 2 memory care facilities. Only one had places in may. So the respite stay was scheduled. 19 days. I had been told they were the most specialized and very high quality. The price was also high 3200€/ month compared to others that are 2000 +-200€.

My partner didn’t like it and I can understand why. The facility is welcome 80 residents in 4 units. 2 are at the ground level with a small garden the others at the 1st floor with no perspective. He was at the first floor. He felt enclosed and he was. But what was really difficult for him was to be with other Alzheimer’s. One was violent. He was really depressed there.

Last week, we visited another.

It was much better. 14 residents, ground level, lot of space, all around you can see vegetation and there is a patio. From everywhere you can see outside. The rooms are much better. The team is better too. They act simply and don’t try to show a certain standing. They even don’t have white coat but t-shirt and jeans. The mood is absolutely not the same when you enter. Residents seem peaceful. Two old women caught my attention. They were so lovely to each other, walking hand in hand. Very well dressed, hairdressed and smiling. They seem really happy.

My partner found it much better but also told me it would be acceptable if I was with him.

We recognized one resident. We met him 18 months ago. He was diagnosed at 57, 12 years ago. He entered in March . I called his wife and she is absolutely satisfied.

I called back the director. My partner can be admitted, but he fist have to do a trial (respite stay). This trial will be when they will have a room, certainly not before October. He is on the top of the priority list. I hope I will be able to manage till then. General the waiting to have a permanent place is between 4 and 9 months. The price is 1000€ less than the one we tried (30% less expensive), but they don’t have the restaurant room with waiters in suit serving at table. The only thing that could justify the price.

The director recommended me to also try Tunisia. She has worked there ( not in a facility for French people) and liked their way to consider and care of disabled or old people.

I am a little reassured. I also understand better what is really important when choosing (people, space). 

His sister in law who is a nurse still fear that I won’t be able to continue long when we will have to return to a normal life... and it begins. Next week I have to go outside the whole day and it will be my teen of 15 who will manage the lunch on Monday and the departure to the daycare on Tuesday. I don’t like to give him such responsibilities even if I know he will be perfect with his step father. 

M1

It sounds like a good place French.  If you've got him on the list, that gives you a few months more to see what happens.  But it sounds like a good plan--especially anticipating how life may change in the fall.  I hope it works out for you.  I know it's hard to hear him say he wants you with him.

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Stuck in the middle

It sounds very nice.  I am glad you have time to choose, and the money to provide something of good quality.

French

Thank you for your support.

Yes Victoria, you are right for my son, but I already have 2 paid caregivers. Nobody is available next week...

I would prefer that my partner’s sons to come instead of asking my son , they are older (20 and 24) and he his their father. But they didn’t give news for more than one month and I am fed up with reminding them they have a father, I did it so many times these 3 last years. I call them, they come once and then continue to ignore him.

My son will just have to share his lunch (he will already  have to prepare for himself). The caregiver will come for the afternoon.

And for the daycare departure, I am considering going late to the office .

JoseyWales

I'm glad you found a better place for your DH. Mine spends almost every daylight moment outside. I can't imagine a placement without an option to go out.

I'm about to start visiting memory care homes, too. I'm using this summer vacation from teaching to set up a day care to begin in August (and maybe once a week for the remainder of the summer) and then know where placement will be when the time comes. It's so much more expensive here, so placement comes with financial issues.

As for your son - we all do what we need to do. Our son is now 20, so a little older. But he spent the last two years taking care of his father for much longer time periods than your son will be. What I've found is that DH is more willing to do what DS asks, and usually just follows along with his daily routine. 

I'm sorry your DH's sons don't visit like they should. My DH has a son from a previous marriage who is in his mid-30s. Visits are rare. There's absolutely no help from him. He admitted to me about a year ago that seeing his father this way was hard. I told him if he didn't visit his dad would completely forget him more quickly. It didn't make a difference. We've now hit the point I predicted. DH thinks he has only 1 son - and that's the one who lives here.