Befriending Grief

storycrafter

I wish I could do this with grace and dignity, befriend Grief.

I have succumbed to the depression and sadness, to the ongoing effects of isolation exacerbated by the pandemic. All the losses keep coming and seem magnified by each other until it looms over me now, a constant. This constant is now so familiar it is the "norm" and I've no idea how to be who I might be if I really were "a normal person." Who is this "me" who constantly grieves?

Does the stress of grief mean I'm not accepting what is? How can I relax into it better?

My personality type is a 9 in the Enneagram system - inertia is a tendency, a pitfall too easy to fall into. Along with my natural introvert, quiet manner, it'd be very easy to simply disappear into the woodwork so to speak. Like anyone else I need to be seen and heard, but I watch myself withdraw from the world into this dark cocoon with my behavioral variant FTD husband. I'm all too intuitive and absorb his atmosphere too much, too easily. He's most content to live as a hermit.

I don't feel engaged with the world any more. Most of the time it's too much trouble to reach out. Everyone at church seems so happy and I am just "dull" inside, not relating to anyone. A small women's group I've gone to for years seems to have lost its focus, trivia prevails and bores me to tears. My creative hobbies languish untouched.

Oh, I rise to the occasion when I happen to run into someone, go through the motions, smile warmly and even laugh at something they say. I hear the hospice chaplain say that everything I'm thinking and feeling is a normal part of the process. I force myself through the motions. The outside world wouldn't notice a thing wrong.

I'm a slow learner and it's no fun. I feel like the character, Howard, in the movie we watched last night, Collateral Beauty. Spoiler alert, the character of Death says, "Just be sure to notice the collateral beauty." I'm trying to notice the collateral beauty....

hvhartman

Your message is graceful and you are facing the challenge, but when the loss is real there will be a piece of yourself that leaves with it.  Look for ways to expand and appreciate the richness of your life and your engagement with family and friends such that the loss becomes diminished in its impact.

jfkoc

storycrater....thank you for putting into words what I am feeling

June45

storycrafter` wrote:

 

...All the losses keep coming and seem magnified by each other until it looms over me now, a constant. This constant is now so familiar it is the "norm" and I've no idea how to be who I might be if I really were "a normal person."

 

...I don't feel engaged with the world any more. Most of the time it is too much trouble to reach out....

 

Yep, that expresses so well how I have been feeling for such a long time.  Your post is well written and captures what many of us feel.

June45

storycrafter` wrote:

...All the losses keep coming and seem magnified by each other until it looms over me now, a constant. This constant is now so familiar it is the "norm" and I've no idea how to be who I might be if I really were "a normal person."

...I don't feel engaged with the world any more. Most of the time it's too much trouble to reach out.

Storycrafter, you have expressed so well how I feel.  I would imagine many of the caregivers can identify with what you have expressed.

Iris L.

storycrafter` wrote:

Does the stress of grief mean I'm not accepting what is? How can I relax into it better?

I don't feel engaged with the world any more. Most of the time it's too much trouble to reach out. Everyone at church seems so happy and I am just "dull" inside, not relating to anyone. A small women's group I've gone to for years seems to have lost its focus, trivia prevails and bores me to tears. My creative hobbies languish untouched.

Hello storycrafter.  

--not engaged with the world

--too much trouble to do anything

--feeling dull and empty inside

--not relating to others

--everything is boring

This is indeed depression.  I have been there.  In fact, I called it a deep depression.  This occurred when I was told by a geriatrician that I had to accept that I had dementia, in 2009. It lasted about nine months.  I only got out of the deep depression by reading the posts and messages from members here.  That's a fact.  The members gave me the impetus to begin to take steps.  Otherwise my life was at a standstill. 

Bit by bit I took little steps and they gradually coalesced and became bigger results.  Until one day I made a decision.  Then the depression lifted.  Not all at once.  I just began to notice I began to feel again.

I can't remember all the details.  But I did realize I felt a little stronger after I had gone outside in the daylight.  I stopped eating only cookies and juice.  I put on clothes, not sweats or pj's all day and night.  I took deep breaths.  I did a lot of small other things.  I think I spoke to a Care Consultant on the Helpline once or twice.

I believe you can get out of this.  It will happen for you.  Connect with me if you want, I may be able to tell you more.  Seek competent help.  Don't accept that you have to feel like this!

(((((( storycrafter ))))))

Iris

 

ElaineD

You articulate your grief so well, and the reasons you're living with it.   I could feel your pain and exhaustion, storycrafter.    My guess is that you're a writer, as well. 

Grief makes me stand in a corner, staring only at hopelessness...when there is an entire world if only I turn around.

I've lived with grief all my life.  I'm not sure about befriending grief, but I know that acceptance helps.  And an enormous amount of effort is involved in denying/fighting grief, that's for sure.

Acceptance for me often means really facing my grief, feeling it, naming it.  I fight that so hard.

This is my 'arsenal', my toolkit....I'm using them all now.

1.  Medication.  I put this first because it works (when you find the right one), AND an amazing number of people fear and reject medication.  Medication often gives me enough breathing room to use the rest of my tools.

2. Counseling.  Talking with a compassionate, professional counselor helps me get out of the 'squirrel cage' in my mind.  Sometimes I just need to say it, hear it, to begin to see alternatives.  Most counselors set up a 'limited number of visits', at which time you can reconsider what to do next. Just having someone nonjudgemental to talk with, who has no agenda, is a relief.

3. Exercise.  Exercise should be number one, really.  I just came back from half an hour in the pool. I really didn't want to go....I wear braces and walk with a wheelchair, I have to use the 'lift' to get in and out.  And then I'm wet!  However, exercise in the pool soothes my soul.

I also exercise on the Nu-Step in the fitness center. Easier cause I don't have to struggle into my bathing suit.

4. Meditation/Prayer.  Time spent quietly breathing, clearing your mind, relaxing your body, all reduce stress.

5. Help Others.  Helping other people is a wonderful way to 'change the channel'.   I put it last because all of the other tools help me be ready for this one.

I cannot help others much, since I'm disabled.  I used to volunteer, and was active in a social/philanthropic club, but I can't do those things now.  I can't even drive.

I'm 79, live in an Independent Living Apartment with my husband who is 82, and who is slowly descending into the vascular dementia that runs in his family.  He is MY caretaker/helper!

So I am surrounded by professional staff, with Assisted Living and Memory Care Units on our campus.  I will not be able to provide any physical assistance to my husband, which is really a blessing.

I have no idea what will happen next.  We never know.  I hope you keep us posted, storycrafter.

Elaine

Rescue mom

This is breathtaking. So well  thought out and articulated.

CStrope

I think so many people think of grief only in the form of what happens after someone dies.  Alzheimer's grief is so different because we suffer some sort of loss continually.  Sometimes the losses are weekly, and sometimes we are grieving things almost hourly.  We grieve for the things in our lives we are losing, and those things about ourselves that are slowly slipping away.  I grieve for the life I used to live, for the friends I used to have, for the activities I used to engage in, and for the joy I used to experience.  But the only choice is to try to find a way to look to the future, to times when we will look to things that once again bring us joy.

Crushed

IMHO Grief is a little like Alzheimer's    There is the underlying pathology  and the symptoms we can see. 

 Pathology includes depression.    Depression is a very real neurological illness and needs medical treatment  

Social adjustment  is also an underlying pathology and responds to therapy

Helping others, exercise  etc treat the  symptoms They make you feel better while you are trying to heal

I have been on this road 11 years.  I see the "shell" of my lovely wonderful wife on a regular basis and do what I can to make her life better.  There is little I can do for her. But I try to do what I can for myself.

storycrafter

Thank you for your kind and heartfelt, wise responses.