So it begins..guardianship
Both my father's sisters spent time with Dad and my stepmother this weekend. I let the CELA know we wanted to pursue guardianship after their visit and the results or lack of. Unfortunately, a new scammer has hit my Dad and stepmother with both thinking we (his kids) are trying to revoke her citizenship thru some "firm" out of Queens, NY . Scammers found out stepmother had her green card and it blew up. We keep going down these rabbit holes with stepmother believing the worst and Dad being so very out of it. Both his blood sisters agree we should pursue guardianship and back us up. We also found out the Dad had alienated his oldest friend and former client last year, to the point where he cut ties for any of his employees having to deal with dad. We are still in legal limbo with his bank accounts. Although, I've applied to be his payee rep to at least redirect SSI to pay basic bills. We are having to use our own funds now at least temporarily/and will repay once I have access to his funds again and can separate out completely. It is nice to hear family and longtime friends, everyone, except for Dad and stepmother, being on the same page and willing to help if needed. Changing Dad's main phone line and his cell phone has become a priority. I can't seem to get a quick answer from the POA department at AT&T. They aren't responding to emails and not putting it in the notes for the stores. I currently have secondary access to the accounts. I've gone into their corporate stores 3 times about it. Any idea about getting any further with AT&T?
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The gloves are officially off. My aunts went again to visit Dad under friendly terms or so they thought. Today, Dad was embroiled in another scam, money laundering from Columbia. Apparently, with the looming scam, the visit didn't end well and both younger sisters that he had always doted on are now bitches.. He is definitely not himself....sigh... My stepsister chose to get a little nasty too. We have started the process to get guardianship. Stepmother has also came out now and said Dad is doing a new will which will muddy the waters more. Since I now have access to their cell records, I've been finding which attorney's offices they are calling and presenting them with DPOA and the capacity letter from his doctor that enacts it. I've asked them to contact only me concerning my father's affairs. This is exhausting. Since it looks like I finally have the AT&T tied down, I changed my dad's landline phone number and also all the remaining cell numbers on the account. I'm not sure where the scam calls are coming from. I put together a care package of simcards and instructions on how to update and left on the front porch. My childhood home is now locked up tighter than Fort Knox. I'm scared stepmother will do something to Dad at this point. I'd had a great relationship with her for 20 years... sigh.. Is there any more I can do? Beyond prepare for guardianship, get doctors scheduled, and maybe a locksmith to get in the house? Is it right to call adult protective services about the will issue and the limited access from his family? Stepmother is clearly trying to prevent any access to our dad. Frustrated Mikela0
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Regarding the capacity letter you mention, what does it say and when is it dated? Why not go back to this same doctor for the Certificate of Medical Exam?
You mentioned previously that your step-Mom only had your Dad sign a revocation of a previous POA but not that he had signed a new DPOA naming her. Which POA was revoked, the 20+ year old one done before they were married, or the one you did in April? If your Dad only revoked a POA and did not make a new one, is it possible there already was a new POA naming your step-Mom that was signed sometime in the last 20 years of their marriage? That's what I would want to know as this could be used to show the judge who your pre-dementia Dad would want to be his guardian. I would want a copy of the POA that was presented to the bank etc.
Where I live, Adult Protective Services wants evidence, or at least facts that strongly point towards possible elder abuse, before they will agree to investigate. I had to present APS with detailed proof and evidence, such as cancelled checks made out to thieves and detailed financial accountings, in order to get their attention. You need to back up what you say about your Dad being harmed in some way. For instance, how is step-Mom preventing access to your Dad if his sisters have visited twice in a few days? If your Dad says he is mad at you or doesn't want to see you, that could support step-Mom's position, not yours. Dad and step-Mom have an attorney and probably plenty of tall tales to tell about family members. What evidence do you have beyond he-said she-said family disputes about the will? If you say "I'm afraid step Mom will do something to hurt Dad" they will want to know what evidence leads you to think that.
Why do you need a locksmith to get into the house? What are you going to do once you are in there? I would be careful with this. Try not to make things any more acrimonious than they already are. What happened in April that you and your siblings suddenly woke up to your Dad's condition and got a POA signed and started going through his belongings? Did one of you just see him after a long time, or did he have a sudden decline, or was there some other event? I think it's relevant to know how this all started since it may be brought up in guardianship proceedings.
Am I understanding correctly that step-Mom believes these scams? Is she elderly or what is her issue? Is SHE incompetent? Did your Aunts have anything to say about your Dad's physical condition and the state of the house? Step-mom has had no job and no money of her own in the last 20 years? Her name isn't on their accounts? She has no money to pay their bills or buy groceries unless you or your siblings give it to her at this point? Has she or your Dad said what they want and what they are trying to accomplish with the attorney?
I don't blame you for being frustrated with this situation! I think I'd have trouble focusing on anything else.
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The capacity letter was done on 5/17/21when his stockbroker asked for a medical letter of capacity and we had his geriatric physician do some basic tests, including MOCA 14/30. The letter is summarized below and signed by the physician.
To Whom It May Concern: I am the primary care physician for the patient listed above. Mr. XXX is currently home bound and suffers from multiple medical conditions. The patient is unable to make his own medical and financial decisions due to Moderate Dementia with Behavioral Disturbance. He needs assistance with all of his activities of daily living and requires 24 hour care. Mr. XXX conditions are expected to worsen during his lifetime. Please feel free to contact me at XXXX if you have any further questions or concerns
I've been told the certificate of medical exam has to be done by a specialized psychologist (neuro preferred) along with a MRI and tests by a neurologist.
The only revocation I've seen and have a photo of is one revoking the DPOA from April 2021 specifically.
When I was still on good terms with stepmother, we both searched the house for any DPOAs or further documents. We both found a will, dpoa, health care poa and directives from 1999, but they didn't favor my stepmother as they were before she married Dad. We both have copies of them. I left one in the house and I took a set to scan and file.
I'd been going over weekends and nights to try to teach stepmother how to use a bank account and read bills etc. I know now I gave her more access than I should have. I was making sure all the bills got paid, including the bouncing property tax bill.
We started looking when I found out checks were bouncing and my brother who is an emergency contact on his retirement account was notified that we should look into Dad's behavior. I do have proof thru his financial accounts that there was no oversight and roughly $166k was scammed from their joint account which is funded with his SSI and retirement. I actually filled out the fraud affadavits and dealt with the credit union myself. I also filed the police report because the credit union failed to. In going thru the finances, I found multiple duplicate payments, duplicate car insurance policies paid two different companies, a property tax payment that kept bouncing, a phonelines never disconnected but not being used etc.. I am taking the brunt because I am safeguarding his accounts as DPOA right now and stepmother doesn't understand why I've changed logins etc. She just sees me playing games. I tried to keep her involved, but she lost my trust by submitting the revocation which basically put the main bank account that I'd help open at a larger, more secure bank in lockdown. I think honestly think the bank and his retirement broker are waiting on guardianship papers to proceed.
My dad's house has always been one were his kids come and go as we please. The back door is rarely locked and the garage door to the kitchen is rarely down.
His condition became more apparent when I went to visit and was told he had fallen several days before. My stepmother proceeded to show me pictures of him bloody and pale on the floor. His head had busted open a bathroom cabinet door. I was then told she'd had trouble moving him and never called for an ambulance, because he'd been yelling not too. That woke me up to his physical condition and I got a geriatric medical team in that would make housecalls and got him physical therapy to get him mobile again. After the capacity letter was issued, he with the help of stepmother has refused any medical appointments and medication. He has stage 4 kidney disease as well. We wanted to get home health care in a couple times a week to relive stepmother, but it was also refused.
My stepmother's native language is russian. She often is very literal in understanding English and misunderstands what she reads. She would basically cook and clean for my Dad, but deferred to Dad when finances or any other big decision was involved. She is 55 and not familiar with the nuance of lines to not be crossed when dealing with creditors. She has acted like me over the phone to 3 creditors when she wasn't authorized on the account and I had a DPOA on file. She is very mistrustful of government and of just about everything. The scammers play to her fears of losing her green card and losing her security in this country.
We have offered to help setup a trust for her to make sure she is taken care of as we've all been told this in the past by my Dad. She declined saying we were trying to control her. And then this spiraled out of control, she isn't in the will, dpoa and there is also a post-nup agreement in place. She does have a decent savings of her own and her own 35K limit credit card which my Dad setup for her. She'd been using several of my dad's now defunct business credit cards for her personal use and which only in my Dad's name and not hers. She'd also been using it to subsidize her daughter's DoorDash career by buying gas. The 38 year old daughter has been living off her mother and my father for 12 years without a job or goal to speak of until this past month with DoorDash.
I know they want his kids out of their business. I just want him safe and secure, but at this point reasoning with either one is difficult. I think she doesn't realize the revocation isn't a dpoa. Although, I tried explaining that but it wasn't understood either.
I know repairs around the house can go awhile to be fixed. Because Dad didn't think they are necessary. My aunt helped us get a contractor in the update his bathroom recently. Something we'd tried to get stepmother to help plan for several months. Her follow-thru is non-existent. My aunt M said she spent most of the day cleaning the bathroom because it hadn't been touched in a while. My aunt K spoke with Dad and Stepmother and tried to see what they wanted and how we could resolve this. They are concerned with his mental and physical decline, especially the being bedridden and the dementia and saying stuff that doesn't make sense.
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Yikes, Step-Mom is definitely not up to the challenge of guardianship/POA. I’m so sorry you are having to see your Dad in this vulnerable state knowing he was taken advantage of by scammers and not always receiving the medical care he needed. In my Dad’s case it was all greed of people that supposedly cared about him, but in your Dad’s case it seems more like the inmates running the asylum. Step-Mom sure has set a bad example for her daughter. It’s good to hear that his financial guy at least noticed the change in behavior and alerted someone before it got even worse. I hope you can fully take over very soon. With stage 4 liver disease plus the dementia you can probably get hospice on board for some extra help with home equipment, an aide for bathing, and an RN to check on him etc. That would be more people in the house reporting back to you. Hospice is not just for the very end of life and they can be released if/when his condition improves.0
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I would also suggest your aunt, the next time she goes over there, take pictures of the condition of the home AND bathroom before cleaning, as they will assist in documenting that she is not taking care of him in a hygienic way.0
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I think you have been given some excellent advice here. I agree wholeheartedly with Victoria, Star & Day2nite. I’m glad you have gotten the phone situation taken care of. I’ve been following your post and I’m sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Your step mother is still a young woman at 55. Is it possible she understands things better than you think? I bet she is scared to death and that’s a shame. I do have some sympathy for her but the 38 year old daughter would make me see RED. I admire you for taking this on. I can only imagine how stressful it is. You are a huge blessing to your Dad even if he can’t realize it because of his disease. I wish you the best.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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