How do I validate accusations without agreeing

Pam BH

My DH is again accusing me of infidelity.  How do I validate his feelings without admitting they're true? All his other delusions I can play along with, but not this one which makes him more insistent.  

A little background: It first began out of the blue in December and my emotions were raw each time it happened. Time has toughened my emotions and I well understand it's all paranoia from the AZ and VD. It does still get to me, though, realizing how much he must hurt believing it's true.  Memantine helped dull the accusations for several months. The accusations were still there, just made in passing remarks and not hateful sounding. Will see about increasing memantine or Zoloft. I just don't know what words to use when the accusations are so awful and his mind has concocted such horrendous detail. 

David J

Pam, the quick sad answer is that he will eventually forget his delusions. My wife was convinced that an ex-friend was stalking her, invading our house, and wanted money. Her delusions included me being present and participating in these fantasies. If I tried to convince her that these things didn’t happen, she would protest that I was there and witnessed the whole thing, and even chased the woman away. So denial doesn’t work. I ended up deflecting and diverting. I told my wife that I would call the woman the next day and warn her away. Another time I said I’d call an attorney or the police next time it happened. Then I would change the subject and offer an activity or food that she liked. I also spoke to her doctor and increased he anti-anxiety drugs. After a year or so the delusions just stopped. Now she doesn’t even know who that person is. 

M1

Pam, I would discuss changing his medication with his doctor(s).  An antipsychotic like Seroquel or Risperdal is going to be more effective at tamping down the delusions and paranoia than an antidepressant like Zoloft, and the memantine won't have any effect.  Unfortunately this is probably going to take medication to control, not something you can manage from any other standpoint.

Crushed

I guess I'm confused about what you mean about "validating his feelings".

We all accept that dementia patients are routinely delusional.  We accept that they have delusions.  We don't try to contradict them, since it's useless.  

I had an ultra religious relative  who constantly told people they would "burn in hell".

The only answer we used was "we shall see"   

  

Pam BH

David J - the details you mentioned of having "memories" of discussions I'd had with DH about my affair or that "my lover" had with DH are spot on.  It helps to know other people have experienced this, although I'm sorry they've had to.

Crushed - The only thing I tried before was to tell him I'm sorry he thinks that but I love him and will never leave him.

M1 - he definitely needs a medication change. Anosognosia makes it difficult to introduce another medication, especially since he monitors what each pill is. Another hurdle to get over!

Thanks everyone for your help. It's a lifeline.